What to do when H doesn't contact?

[25yearsmlc]

I do pray but if you can send some prayers to me I would greatly appreciate it!

As far as D13 being dragged into all this she had told him a couple of times just tell mom and sometimes he did listen. But I will have to remind her to do it again. The C told him that over a year ago. .... So he lost visitation and didn't even contact her for over 3 months. Now he sees her if I allow it and I usually do if she wants to go with him.

Then there have been consequences and like many WAS's and little boys, he needs repetition for it to sink in. Let your d off the hook by repeating to her, to repeat it to her dad so it sinks in & even if he keeps trying to fob stuff onto her, just by her expressing the statement that he should be talking to you directly, should empower her some and eventually get to him. The loss of visitation says a lot.

This makes me wonder....I want to ask you some questions and have you really ponder them or "go with me" a bit. Are you sure you are missing him, vs missing having someone around or are you simply not coping well with rejection? I mean, NONE of us do too well with rejection from our life partners, even if its in the form of their depression, indecision or whatever. But this man does not sound like he has been a great guy for quite some time.

Imagine for just a minute that my next assessment is accurate, just for a minute.

If you were reading this for another woman, and objectively speaking, you came to see her h had been pretty lousy to her, or at best mediocre, you'd probably wonder wth she saw in him...

OR whether her self esteem was so down that it colored how she saw the world herself, and that her own depression was making the "camera lens" she viewed with world with, a more dismal frightening view...You'd wonder if she thought he was the best she'd ever do, OR if she'd rather have a negative energy around her than no energy, etc....

AND at some point you'd want to tell her that "as he is now, you are better off without this sworling vortex of negativity sucking out your will to live...." and you'd be right. Until if and when your h gets better and treats you better, what's to miss? I'm seriously asking, not meaning to offend...

I don't know all the history. A few generalized comments about "once upon a time" but nothing terribly impressive. Don't feel defensive please, b/c this is NOT a criticism and besides, who's to say what goes on between a man and a woman over years in the dark? None of us can judge.

But at the same time, often we let the rejection color our memory and we start feeling a loss that isn't real. It's a loss of what we wish we had had or created with our spouses but did not. We think "well now we NEVER will create that if he goes..." and that's more likely true with the spouse leaving. But let's not forget that what we actually had, was NOT what we wanted or needed. So when the loss hits us, at least let it be the real loss and not the imagined one...make sense?

Who's to say you can't actually get what you want someday, when you are ready, from someone able to give it? Your h may not be what or whom you need and the d you have, God bless her, may have been the "purpose" of your m....or God's will isn't winning here at all b/c your h has free will & can choose never to return, let alone as a better man....and IF THAT IS so, then pray to know God's will for YOU, to learn it, to be given the strength to follow it, and to leave the results up to Him...if this sounds familiar it should, I posted it to you recently I think. I don't mind repeating them as long as you process them.

Re-read those posts you found helpful or you'll backslide again and again. Don't do that. Keep the progress you make even if you stall some, don't backslide. Keep on keeping on and this will get better. It does pass. It does improve. You will be happy again and you and you alone determine when that is...BELIEVE THIS...make it so.
(( ))
j-