What to do when H doesn't contact?

[25yearsmlc]

Everything that H said was said to D13, H doesn't call or anything for me. He goes through D13 which her C said is NO good. This was just yesterday. But there is nothing I can do about it. I tried time and time again to get him not to get her in the middle of things but he does it anyway.
I was dependent as far as my panic attacks go with H.

I don't want to give into this so that's why I'm going to C and have been since H walked out.

You are doing the right things then. Good for you. Do NOT Give in. This is YOUR life and you are in charge of it. Don't you dare let that take over your life. Do not surrender! Do you pray? Come up with a short mantra that helps you through so you can say it out loud and talk YOURSELF down from the attacks. IF you don't pray, I'll send some to you...(but you may want to start!)

Keep up the work, and it IS work. But that's life. And it's worth it.
j-

PS as far as d13 being dragged into all this, why does he do that? What is he afraid of when talking to you? That you'll fall apart? And the c has told HIM this to his face? Hmmmm. Well Don't fuel that fear of his or you'll get nowhere AND your d13 will keep getting sucked in. Can you tell her to refer her father to you and then handle it? Think about that. If you can do it, please by all means do so. For all concerned.

[Goodfight]

I do pray but if you can send some prayers to me I would greatly appreciate it!

As far as D13 being dragged into all this she had told him a couple of times just tell mom and sometimes he did listen. But I will have to remind her to do it again. The C told him that over a year ago. He doesn't go anymore because in court he didn't like being told what he was doing wrong with D13. Not seeing her on Easter, drinking and driving, etc. The C had to give the court a report on our D and how she was feeling about everything. So he lost visitation and didn't even contact her for over 3 months. Now he sees her if I allow it and I usually do if she wants to go with him.

[25yearsmlc]

I do pray but if you can send some prayers to me I would greatly appreciate it!

As far as D13 being dragged into all this she had told him a couple of times just tell mom and sometimes he did listen. But I will have to remind her to do it again. The C told him that over a year ago. .... So he lost visitation and didn't even contact her for over 3 months. Now he sees her if I allow it and I usually do if she wants to go with him.

Then there have been consequences and like many WAS's and little boys, he needs repetition for it to sink in. Let your d off the hook by repeating to her, to repeat it to her dad so it sinks in & even if he keeps trying to fob stuff onto her, just by her expressing the statement that he should be talking to you directly, should empower her some and eventually get to him. The loss of visitation says a lot.

This makes me wonder....I want to ask you some questions and have you really ponder them or "go with me" a bit. Are you sure you are missing him, vs missing having someone around or are you simply not coping well with rejection? I mean, NONE of us do too well with rejection from our life partners, even if its in the form of their depression, indecision or whatever. But this man does not sound like he has been a great guy for quite some time.

Imagine for just a minute that my next assessment is accurate, just for a minute.

If you were reading this for another woman, and objectively speaking, you came to see her h had been pretty lousy to her, or at best mediocre, you'd probably wonder wth she saw in him...

OR whether her self esteem was so down that it colored how she saw the world herself, and that her own depression was making the "camera lens" she viewed with world with, a more dismal frightening view...You'd wonder if she thought he was the best she'd ever do, OR if she'd rather have a negative energy around her than no energy, etc....

AND at some point you'd want to tell her that "as he is now, you are better off without this sworling vortex of negativity sucking out your will to live...." and you'd be right. Until if and when your h gets better and treats you better, what's to miss? I'm seriously asking, not meaning to offend...

I don't know all the history. A few generalized comments about "once upon a time" but nothing terribly impressive. Don't feel defensive please, b/c this is NOT a criticism and besides, who's to say what goes on between a man and a woman over years in the dark? None of us can judge.

But at the same time, often we let the rejection color our memory and we start feeling a loss that isn't real. It's a loss of what we wish we had had or created with our spouses but did not. We think "well now we NEVER will create that if he goes..." and that's more likely true with the spouse leaving. But let's not forget that what we actually had, was NOT what we wanted or needed. So when the loss hits us, at least let it be the real loss and not the imagined one...make sense?

Who's to say you can't actually get what you want someday, when you are ready, from someone able to give it? Your h may not be what or whom you need and the d you have, God bless her, may have been the "purpose" of your m....or God's will isn't winning here at all b/c your h has free will & can choose never to return, let alone as a better man....and IF THAT IS so, then pray to know God's will for YOU, to learn it, to be given the strength to follow it, and to leave the results up to Him...if this sounds familiar it should, I posted it to you recently I think. I don't mind repeating them as long as you process them.

Re-read those posts you found helpful or you'll backslide again and again. Don't do that. Keep the progress you make even if you stall some, don't backslide. Keep on keeping on and this will get better. It does pass. It does improve. You will be happy again and you and you alone determine when that is...BELIEVE THIS...make it so.
(( ))
j-

[Goodfight]

25, I'm missing him, he was a great guy. I'm missing what we had together. I don't know who he turned into, this is not the old H that I had. And I do understand what you are saying because I do miss having someone around also, I have never been alone before. I was either dating or in serious relationships and yes, I'm lonely.

But it is him and our life that we had together that I miss. It wasn't perfect trust me but it was good. H only seems to remember the bad times.

I see what you mean as far as me reading my sitch from another woman. I don't miss him calling and yelling and this person he is now though. So I get that point. I just pray he gets better and that he starts to contact me in a good way.

My self esteem is shot due to the fact I lost 20lbs. and couldn't afford to lose 5lbs. since this began. Maybe that is one of my problems also, see when I would get sick or have a surgery he always took care of me and always told me how beautiful I was, and was always afraid of losing me to someone better than he was. His self esteem to me seemed low from the day I met him but I would always tell him how good looking he was and how much he meant to me and the family. Also, when he would put weight on he would always be down and I always told him I loved him just as much etc. But now from what I hear he thinks he is the MAN.

[dday101798]

Hi GF,

I found the easiest thing to do and it actually felt right on for the times, I simply said to myself that (x)W was dead. Which in her own right, she was. As with your H, no longer the person he once was. Treat him as such and you will feel better about things. Trust me.

As far his self asteem, yeah, (x)W was always very self conscious of herself. She was in fact always a plus size woman, but proportionate and I never had a qualm with it (aside from certain wore drobe choices and hair does, that were well, just tacky).

As the M fell apart, she lost weight dramatically. I think that's what also hepled fueled the OM, they knew each other for years so perhaps she returned to a figure he was obsessed with in high school or something, who knows. Then her conscience started getting the best of her during the D and after and she started to fill back in to her usual frame and OM didn't like it. Heh, guess that also helped remind her of who loved her no matter what.

[jasper67]

He feels like he is the man b/c you feel broken by his abscence. Perhaps he is enjoying a life considering himself single- sure that prob feels pretty good, but the grass is not always greener. I know my W considers herself single- she is open to getting numbers, accepting compliments, and feeling adored- I neglected her in a lot of ways- mostly due to stagnancy and routine.

I have little interest in chasing tail or being w/ someone diff all the time- I know what I want and that is a healthy M.

Forget about him for now- he's not who you want at this moment- work on yourself and start to tend to your own needs and see what happens.

This is what I am telling myself- this is wahat I need to hear.

hang in there (())

[Goodfight]

Thanks DDay for dropping by. I haven't heard from you in a long time. I will try to pretend he is dead. That's why I went completely dark now. But I'm not going to lie, when I hear our D13 on the phone with him my heart aches.

May, thanks for dropping in, I see you are just at the beginning and you are so right. Ok, will try really hard to forget about him for now and work on myself.

I'm just afraid as time goes on and the longer the separation maybe he will come and find someone else or just forget about me and the kids forever and not want to return. I'm not looking for anyone either. All I ever wanted since I was a child was a healthy M. I was M once before and it was a horrible experience towards the end. H got hooked on drugs, was physical and emotional abusive. I got over that one real quick, but I was also a lot younger and was only dealing with one child.

My first H treated me terrible whereas this one treated me like a queen most of the time. When his depression would set in he would be ok, but not himself and this time when he stopped taking meds he went off the deep end it seems.

I just wish I could get over this H the way I did with the first.

[dday101798]

Thanks DDay for dropping by. I haven't heard from you in a long time.

Sorry, I often time feel guilty that I have things going the way they are for me.

And, even more so, I'm really bad at remembering what threads I pop in to from time to time until I see a persons name and think to myself, "oh crap, that's right what happened there", lol.

[Goodfight]

Dday, do you think it's to late for me to Dbust my D? It has been over 14 months now since the separation?

[25yearsmlc]

Dday, do you think it's to late for me to Dbust my D? It has been over 14 months now since the separation?

Did you read my post about my relatives who were apart for years before they remarried, or are you taking a poll?

not to be snotty , but I wrote a LOT and I think you are wallowing too much. Come on now, Snap out of it. You are justifying your depression by skimming over his behavior the past 14 months and his behavior while M, whenever he was depressed, so the times he was good to you are the only thing you focus on and the description YOU give of the R you two had, sounds very co-dependent. You would be sick or have surgery and he'd take care of you b/c he was afraid of being alone, and then you'd reassure him and boost his low self esteem, and blah blah blah. NOT healthy!

Just think a bit on that and TRY TO visualize yourself without him in the future, BUT STILL HAPPY....what does that look like? Be detailed & specific, please.
j-