She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

Probably 93%
Anyway, no intention to guilt trip you or anything.

Ha! why not 93.3%

The guilt trip is my own. I'm just sorting through my own stuff here. I've come to terms with a lot of my contributions to the failure of my M. I guess this one is just on my mind right now because of this up coming trip.

The other stuff I'm fairly certain where my fault lies; this one I'm not as sure of. Your comments certainly help.

[Gardener]

I've got some true GAL coming up for valentine's weekend. I'm performing in NY, with my favorite musicians. We have a deep bond, it's friendship but also something a little unique among musicians. It's a true joy for me.

Performing? Just jamming together or a venue? I'd love to go down to NYC or nearby NYS in my area for some good live GALing music.

[Awoken]

(I just posted in your thread Gardner; how nice to come over to mine and find you here)

Performing? Just jamming together or a venue? I'd love to go down to NYC or nearby NYS in my area for some good live GALing music.

I'm playing at a venue, 4 nights feb 11-14.

Hmm, I'll have to find a way to drop some hints about where.

[Awoken]

I took S13 out for some food tonight(D17 stayed home with way too much homework) He's been unusually tense for the past couple of days. I've been gently probing, seeing if he wanted to talk. Of course he gets mad if I ask "what's wrong", so I've been avoiding that.

Tonight, he finally opened up to me. We talked for over an hour, with us both trying to hold back tears the entire time. Me trying to be the good dad, and him trying to be the good son. He's been acting like everything was ok, and that he was handling everything, but I knew he was having a really hard time. He told me so many things, and I could tell he was really telling me the truth, not the equivocation that teenagers often provide. I'm so thankful for him!

Much of it was hard to hear. He's very depressed, and has a hard time coming home. He has a hard time sleeping. He says he has lost all hope. He said that he is so tired of his friends telling him that everything would be ok, and to remain positive.
Then he said something I've read here in the forums: "I have to remain positive, because I have no choice."

I talked to him about maybe seeing someone to talk to outside his family and friends (IC). He was dead set against it. But, as it often is with teenagers, I'll wait and see how he feels in a few days after he's thought about it so more. At least I've had the chance to plant that seed.

[January girl]

Tonight, he finally opened up to me.

I'm so happy for you that this dinner happened. His opening up is so incredible! Just keep walking the walk and talking the talk....you are strong! Good thinking on planting the seed about IC. I think not pushing was great thinking!
-JG

[givingitmyall]

Tonight, he finally opened up to me.

I'm so happy for you that this dinner happened. His opening up is so incredible! Just keep walking the walk and talking the talk....you are strong! Good thinking on planting the seed about IC. I think not pushing was great thinking!
-JG

Yep. THIS.

[Awoken]

I received a copy of my lawyers answer to my W's D filing.

My wife asked for basically everything: CS, spousal support, full custody, the house, and for me to pay her legal fees.

Our answer basically asks for exactly the same thing. I know this is so that we can a position to bargain from, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

My instincts are to sit down and just say what I want, what is equitable. But I know that's not how this process works.

[Sister]

My instincts are to sit down and just say what I want, what is equitable. But I know that's not how this process works.

If only it were as easy as this.

Just curious. Have you asked/talked to your lawyer about this? I know how you feel about letting go of all the game playing and just doing what's right. But then again, when you consider how your W will react - regardless of what you counter with - she's going to have a negative reaction, right? (I know, I know, not supposed to think about her reactions...) But if she's gonna get mad anyway, at least give yourself some negotiating room with this?

[Gardener]

Awoken,

Tonight, he finally opened up to me. We talked for over an hour, with us both trying to hold back tears the entire time. Me trying to be the good dad, and him trying to be the good son. He's been acting like everything was ok, and that he was handling everything, but I knew he was having a really hard time. He told me so many things, and I could tell he was really telling me the truth, not the equivocation that teenagers often provide. I'm so thankful for him!

Thank God!
At the same age, S13, left my apartment years ago (I had gotten one within walking distance of our house) Got 20 or 30 feet, turned around crying and running back to me. We sat on my big Adirondack chair, I held him tight on my lap. We talked a lot. At the end, I looked him in the eyes, smiled and assured him, "You will be alright! I will be alright! You and I will be alright. Always."
This summer, at age 31 - eighteen years later - he told me about that moment in that chair and how everything did get better after that and that he never forgot that moment. Gardener, of course, cried.

Awoken, be strong and do your utmost best - at all times - with S13 like you're doing now. Not just for the hurting boy but for the man you're forming and building.

I talked to him about maybe seeing someone to talk to outside his family and friends (IC). He was dead set against it. But, as it often is with teenagers, I'll wait and see how he feels in a few days after he's thought about it so more. At least I've had the chance to plant that seed.

Firmly insist. Or give it the old "just try it a couple of times. That's all I ask." Find a family counselor and talk to him/her alone first to get advice on how best to overcome your son's reticence. Go with him, even if just in the beginning (leave that up to the counselor) don't send him. I did it with both my boys and it did the three of us much good.

Also, Awoken, it's your sitch and marriage and pain, too. Open up to him more. Express some hurt, fear, doubt, regret. It will help him open up more and likely cause him to pitch in to comfort you (while he's unknowingly comforting himself -and growing in his own eyes - at the same time).

Peace,

[Gardener]

Awoken,

I received a copy of my lawyers answer to my W's D filing.
My wife asked for basically everything: CS, spousal support, full custody, the house, and for me to pay her legal fees.

Opening Salvo. Lawyers sizing each other up. It means nothing and won't even remotely resemble the final result.

Our answer basically asks for exactly the same thing.

Yep. I've always thought it's the lawyers' equivalent of the crude street slang,"Eff me? Eff you!"

My instincts are to sit down and just say what I want, what is equitable. But I know that's not how this process works.

Your instincts are like mine were and like most men's are. Equitable. Noble. Want to be remembered always as having done the right thing. This will only get you penniless, screwed, and a lawyer whose p!ssed and frustrated at you. Obey your lawyer. If in the process anything really goes against the kind of man you are, put your foot down. My lawyer insisted I go after half my wife's pension. No way. No sir. Ain't gonna do that. And we didn't.

The opinion of my lawyer and a couple of my friends (including one or two on this board) is I was stupid. My opinion is I was true to myself. I sleep well at night. Put your foot down if you must towards the end on specifics - whether on her side or your side . For now, let the lawyers do their dance and try to realize you're paying him so you don't have to do it and so you don't even have to think about it (much). It's being handled.