Next steps

[avermont]

Geez, Pearl, I can totally see snapping on the cats!

One of the scenarios I played out today was having to move to an apt. temporarily, and it is really hard to find apts. that will take pets. But the thought of HER touching MY cats--no way! If I have to camp in the woods to keep them out of her grubby little hands, I will. Let her have X---here's a big secret--HE HAS BACKNE!!! sorry, is that TMI? The cats do not have acne. So there.

I also cannot get over your ovaries on kicking him out of the house, as you were in a non-salary earning sitch at the time. WOW!

A good friend just called and counseled and counseled against going to court. All she says, and many of you have said, is true: the house is a pile of dust now. I am not depressed here, like LFA is. I do pretty good here. I still like it here.

I think most of my friends are going to counsel against going to court, just to spare me more pain and the loss of $.

One very pragmatic friend wrote: $ lasts. Emotions don't. You have a support group for emotions, but sorry, no one has $ support to offer you. Take the $.

But chr**st, that just makes me feel like a money-grubber. Hey, whatever, trash my heart, $ makes up for it, no worries.

So--a lot of thinking to do.

The pragmatic friend also advised that if I sell the joint property bed, as X offered it to me in his proposal, it may look like I am willing to go with the rest of the proposal. So I can't necessarily divest myself of that particular piece of bad memory right off.

I will start the boxing up exercise. Pulled a few more books off the shelf tonight, to donate away. Have been doing that all along--pulling, tossing, burning. I want to lug away as little as possible.

Common law won't apply in this sitch. The court will look at it as a business partnership to be somehow fairly divided.

I will email more to the lawyers tomorrow. I will have some time sitting in the car dealership waiting for an oil change. (another fun thing! When I bought the Subu, X was all about how he would take it up to the dealership for work, as it is on his way to work! Now, another 3 hours of my life wasted in driving and waiting...all the little things that you planned on...)

Well--back to LFA and her to meet/not meet question.

[newmama]

think of it this way...the house= X. X=pain.
Free yourself of the house and you will free yourself of X and free yourself of pain.

[avermont]

Thank you for that, newmama.

The funny thing is, I don't, and haven't, actively missed X. Maybe I have been so buried in pain I can't actually feel anything else.

There have been just a couple of times/things. Like this morning, opening up his Dad's cedar chest (that I had specifically said-yes, let's take that, it's beautiful) which I keep my exercise weights in. And I wanted to cry because I love that chest. And it sat so nicely at the end of the bed.

So, yes, the house=X, but I think I can honestly say that I feel more anger that my work and effort in the house is automatically assumed by everyone--and I mean X, my family, my friends, you guys here--to be NOT worth the pain of fighting for or working through the pain of X. It seems to be the automatic thing that the LBS would leave the House of Pain.

I will really have to think about how much pain the house is causing me.

I have been sleeping on the couch, certainly. Which has to mean I can't bear to sleep in the bed, in the bedroom, under the skylight.

I will be hopefully getting a roomie this week, which means I will have to go back to the bedroom. I will see how I feel about that.

Thank you for the thoughts. I will really just have to see if my horrible crying and anxiety is as much tied to the house as anything else.

I will call a real estate agent and start visiting houses. For the mental exercise. To see how it feels.

[newmama]

The House of Pain...lol sadly! I know what you mean- why should we leave the house when we put joy, blood and tears into it. But we also put joy, blood and tears in your relationship with WS, too, and we didn't get a choice in keeping that relationship!

It isn't fair.

I guess it would be interesting to see if having a roomie will help you to enjoy your house again. If it doesn't maybe you will not want to put up a fight forkeeping the house....there are other houses out there.

Do you think there is a chance that if you put up a fight for the house that your X will just say "FINE! KEEP IT!" ???

[pearlharbr]

So, yes, the house=X, but I think I can honestly say that I feel more anger that my work and effort in the house is automatically assumed by everyone--and I mean X, my family, my friends, you guys here--to be NOT worth the pain of fighting for or working through the pain of X. It seems to be the automatic thing that the LBS would leave the House of Pain.

I don't assume that the house isn't worth fighting for. I question your motive for fighting. I just want you to be honest with yourself as to the true reason you want to fight for the house. Especially considering that the L has advised you that it will be a battle you will likely lose.

As CityGirl pointed out recently on another thread, divorce is comprised of both an emotional break and a legal break. You cannot let the emotions control you respond to the legal/business aspects. Your pragmatic friend is correct: people will offer you emotional support but not financial support. You aren't a money grubber, you are making the best of a bad situation. I tend to look at it this way--he screwed you over once, are you going to let him do it again?

If you really want the house and are willing to fight for it even if means losing thousands of dollars then go for it. Just make sure you understand that it is a decision that will have financial ramifications for your future.

[avermont]

Thanks, pearl and newmama.

There is a snowball's chance in hell that he would say 'fine, keep it!'. Let's see...snowball is snow...hell is hot. Not gonna happen.

Pearl, your advice is dead on. I am just in childish, reactive, I don't wanna! mode.
I want the house because I put work into it, too. I love the neighborhood.
But I also mainly don't want OW in it. So that is keeping the focus on OW and not on me.

Here is a truth I say all the time, that I should actually listen to:

I say to myself, since X isn't there to listen: X, if this had gone down any other way. If you had come to me 6 months ago, a year ago, whenever you realized how unhappy you were, and we had TALKED. And TRIED. And if I had had a chance to TRY. And if it didn't work out, after good faith effort on both our parts, I would gladly hand the house over to you. You put so much more into it than I did. Even though I know a lot of what you put into it was to make a loving home for US. Us didn't work out, despite our best efforts, so I can walk away.

So clearly, my response to the house is situational.

What does that mean, Dr. Freud??

[Wholeagain]

((( Aver )))

I can offer no advice because I thought the opposite of "$ lasts. Emotions don't." to be true.

I can see it from a point that LBS already have to deal with life changes in which they had no say so. It is about gaining control over your life back.

Maybe accept that you have equal claim to the house. OK, maybe you shouldn't read me any further, but what are they expecting? For you to move over? I don't think so!

[Wholeagain]

I say to myself, since X isn't there to listen: X, if this had gone down any other way. If you had come to me 6 months ago, a year ago, whenever you realized how unhappy you were, and we had TALKED. And TRIED. And if I had had a chance to TRY. And if it didn't work out, after good faith effort on both our parts, I would gladly hand the house over to you. You put so much more into it than I did. Even though I know a lot of what you put into it was to make a loving home for US. Us didn't work out, despite our best efforts, so I can walk away.

So clearly, my response to the house is situational.

What does that mean, Dr. Freud??

All these what ifs, it doesn't matter. My stbxh went to C twice, so he thinks he tried and put all the effort in saving M. lol

Think what is important for your future. If you are planning on moving and will be having a great life somewhere else, you won't be thinking much about your x keeping the house.

If I was planning on moving, I'd try to get as much $ for the house as possible.

[avermont]

That's my gut response, too! Oh, I should just roll over? meekly go away?

but I am trying hard to put it into context of what is GOOD FOR ME? to let go of what X and his new little babe think about me, and for me to think about me, right?

Curse curse swear swear.

[newmama]

yes, the house is representative of your (old) life w/ X. Do you see why Cutter wants to sell his house?

your new life will be a clean slate...


does X represent unresolved issues with your father? LOL I was trying to sound Freudian--NOT being serious!