See hope, want to get there

[Gnosis]

Haven't totally caught up, but this stood out and I wanted to comment on it:

Need to relax, work on my 'wish list' started by Gno. Get my head to stop spining, outline a plan that makes sense, is workable. 1st one, wow, when I looked at it later, sounded more like a war plan for revenge. Was to angry at the time. Right outline, but not filled in with right colors. Gno would have switched the 2x4's to a sledge hammer.

1) You're right, you need to relax.

You feel you are operating under pressure of a deadline of Feb 11th.. set by your W. Here's the truth: That deadline is imaginary. It's in your head. If you feel you need more space then you can do that very easily with the following words:

"W, a lot has changed in these past few months and I've been thinking. I need some space to process these thoughts to decide what I want and what is best for me. I don't believe your returning on Feb 11th will serve either of us well at this point in time. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to stay with grandson's mother and assist her while I resolve my thoughts."

Or something similar to the above. She WILL ask you what you're thinking about. Point out that you are still sorting things out... and do not wish to discuss them until you are ready. This will buy you the time you need.

I know you're thinking that this may push her away... so I'll ask you this question: If a simple request like that does push her away, then will show you how serious she ever was. Another thing that may happen is that she will feel threatened and show up on your doorstep sooner than the 11th.

2) Your plan

Some will call it a war plan, others a strategy etc. The purpose of your plan will be to threefold: a) identify your boundaries and consequences b) identify your non-negotiable requirements for reconciliation c) a road map to winning her back (including counter-intuitive methods) with fallback routes.

You're right about one thing... if I thought your plan was about revenge then I would stop helping you. Revenge is a waste of energy that build hatred and bitterness. DB'ing is about finding a way to live your life happily (regardless of the outcome) If you are looking for revenge... then the best revenge you will ever be able to have is to live your life in peace, tranquility and joy.

With that being said, you are right in recognizing this will be a long process. This is why you have your plan -- think of it as a schedule. You will need to refer to it constantly to remind yourself of the purpose.

One of the things that will take time will be your W's grief that her dreams have been shattered. Do not think that the sudden turnaround or 'epiphany' she's had are permanent. She will need time to get out of that fog. Some people also call this withdrawal from the affair. Some WAW's do not return from that and immediately seek out a new affair. I'm telling you this so you can be prepared for it should it happen.

So.. if I you have to choose with her staying where she is now or having her living nearby (not in the home) I would choose the latter. You don't know how or why the EA fell apart, and it could re-ignite at any moment. These are unknowns.

Puppy Dog Tails had a good post on OnceBurdened's thread about the stages of remorse. There are four stage's ... and so far your W has not demonstrated any yet. Please read that thread in it's entirety. OB's W is showing promising signs of having returned.