Last Friday I called and after talking for a while asked her if she had thought about me coming home anymore she said she really did not want me to. I said "OK, I just needed to know because to get the prices we talked about, I need to book the flight before midnight".
I then told her that I wanted to respect her "space" while she decided what she wanted in the marriage, but told her that in the next few weeks I would be coming home to see the boys. I told her that if necessary I would book a hotel or spend the night on a buddy's couch and then spend the day with the boys, but that even if she did not want me home I was still going to be coming back to spend time with our children.
That turned into a R talk for about 45min. Towards the end I sensed she was ready to get off the phone so I said something "well we aren't going to solve this in one day so we don't have to talk about it any more. I can't wait forever, but I am still committed to giving you time to decide and not push you to make a decision now. The boys should be home from school soon so have a good time with them and I will talk to you later."
She called back 15min later and said "well I don't like how you told me you can't wait forever so if you aren't going to be patient with me why don't we just divorce." We went back and forth debating whether or not I gave her an ultimatum and then I finally said something like "Listen, I meant what I said when I told you that I would give you time and not pressure you. Obviously I am not going to wait for the rest of my life to make a decision. If you are convinced that you can not be happy married to me and are sure that you can't love me then do what you have to do. My life will suck for a while then I will get over it and move on. However, if you don't know what you are doing, then don't make a snap decision just because you don't like the way I said something."
From there we spoke for a while and in the process she finally offered up that she "had feelings" for someone else. I told her "I figured you did, because that is what happens." She was surprised and I used the opportunity to say that I thought she had feelings for a guy she had been speaking to on line when she decided that she did not love me last year. She was quiet and then said that she had, but it was innocent. I said nothing and she then said "well, we flirted mostly.......you know, he was sarcastic and would say things sometimes, but I would shut it down.......well maybe I responded in kind a bit.......I might have been inappropriate with him one time on the phone, but that's it."
Then she asked why I did not say anything about it then. I told her that when she decided to try to make things work, I was willing to forget it so why bring it up. She said oh. Shortly after that, she got off the phone.
We did not talk much on Sat because I was working, but then we had a long conversation about various problems we experienced in the past. I admitted a bunch of regrets and a bunch of "if I had known then what I know now" kind of stuff. It seemed good.
Then on Monday she told me that if I still wanted to, I should come home on the dates we had discussed. However she has seemed a little distant since then. Nothing I can put my finger on, but just a little weird.
My questions are:
How much longer should I allow the cake eating to go on?
When I go home, should I just be "perfect dad" and not bring up any R stuff?
How long should I wait before I bring up the OM again (if at all)?
My inclination is to be "perfect dad" on this visit, then be pleasant on the phone for the next several weeks after that before I visit again. She says I am the perfect husband but she is not in love with me like that any more. I know that is WAW BS, but how long do I wait before I begin to force the issue?
I would love to have the input of any WAS's on this. How long did you need with no pressure for the fog to lift?
Me 36 W 40 S 13, 9, 7 ILYBNILWY 2-08 Discovered EA 3-08 Reconciled 7-08 She says she's been faking it 11-09 She wants to separate 12-09
