Is my wife a WAW or is this a MLC? thx2brs

[seeking answers]

I've been following your thread and my heart goes out to you as I very much understand your pain. I do have a couple questions for you. Do you truly want to try and save your marriage? If you do, why then do you keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different outcome?

I'm not talking about the issues with the children, they have to be addressed. I might consider changing the tactics you use though to get that done.

You have managed to get some of from what I can see from visiting the board the wisest people trying to help you out, yet you continually go against the advice you've been given. I understand you're a fixer, but you have to understand, YOU can't fix your wife in this situation. The MLC has to play out for her and all you're doing is prolonging it by trying to reason and fix her. You don't even give her time to miss you because you seem to be in almost constant contact. By your posts it seems that you react to almost everything. Stop it, and get zero expectations. Don't jump on everything you interpret as a positive sign from her as a chance to further your cause and will upon her. Let it go. By not detaching you are letting this consume you. You have to control yourself and emotions before you can logically get a plan to handle this. I know how much it hurts. My MLCer lives with the OW. It is not an easy thing to watch as the person you wanted to spend your life with self destructs. The message I have gotten through to myself is that if there is any chance to build something new from this, I have to let it go. It has to run its course. I have stepped back. I am trying not to let anything I do or say create a stronger bond between my H and the OW as to give them something to unite them against me. Is this easy? No way! It goes against everything I want to do or say. If I think about it too much it drives me insane. GAL has come in to rescue me. Use this time to take your own journey and get to know yourself. On the other side of this you will not be the same two people that you were going in. Stop trying to hold on to the old you and her and let them go, because when you think about it that old ones didn't work out so well.

Please believe me, I know what you're going through. I do understand what this feels like, and I know that you just want your family back. I do too. It's just not going to be the same as before MLC and you can't deal with the problems like you did before. This is a whole new ballgame with different rules and if you continue to play by the old ones, you may lose. There are no guarantees, we may lose anyway, but at the very least you can say you gave it your all and have learned some valuable lessons that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

I only wish you peace. I wish that for all of us. Truly hand it over to God, He'll take care of it as He sees fit.

SA

[rr22]

I would move forward with the divorce as quickly as possible. I would not see her alone at your house anymore if possible. Meet her in public. She is unbalanced and dangerous. It doesn't matter if you feel sorry for her. She needs a lot of psychological help. You can't change her and you should not take her back if she comes begging. Sorry to sound harsh, but the way in which she attacked you was calculated in its cruelty. Time to let her go and move on to a better life.

Her opinion of your ADD is irrelevant. A lot of people have ADD. It's not a big deal. She's using the topic to try to shame you. Stop talking to her and stop texting her and stop meeting her in private unless you want something else bad to happen. Sorry if this sounds like a 2X4, but it's time for your denial to end.

[fisherman]

Seeking Answers,

You are two for two

Another wonderful post!

[fisherman]

I just wasn't going to be intimidated. Why can't I be that way with wife?

Seriously?

Got to thinking on this divorce, I've let my wife know alittle too much,now any day now she's going to get the motion on selling the house, which between us, I'll live in a tent before the kids loose the house, even though that might get wife away from the om (neighbor):)

I've given her bits and pieces on what's in the motion.Why don't others see it?

Think all you want, we all have told you numerous times to stop being so open with her about this. When will YOUR thoughts match YOUR actions??
Why don't others see it?

I'd be more worried about what you need to fix for you.

do you really think I plan to be impulsive?

Do you really want the answer to this?

It's funny when your successful no one gives a dang how you act, be crushed and they pile on, like I didn't already feel bad enough about myself.

All depends on how a person defines success. Feeling bad will not change a thing.

Texted wife too many times today

OK.

Told her we can get Divorce final we have court next week, she didn't know anything about it.

Told her I had filed a motion, did not mention the house part and yes I bold faced lied on some of what was in the motion.
Told her motion included parenting,counseling,communication between us. She told me to save the money, that we communicate fine, my gut told me she and D are nervous.

Your words just a moment ago....

Got to thinking on this divorce, I've let my wife know alittle too much

What's going on here?

ALL THIS BS I've been typing, boils down to this, I want to stay married, I love my wife, I want to take all the pain away and if she was sane we wouldn't be in this boat.

This isn't all about her ya know.

[Lostforwords]

Ayk,

Success is only an illusion of ones importance to others...happiness with your inner self is much more powerful and truly the only thing you can control.

You have become super focused on your wife again....try to deny it, but it so obvious on here. Currently you are the one making the situation worse...not the neighbor, not your wife, and not your kids. You have been give the advice to give her space, but you still are not heeding that advice and instead are driving her away more and more. I really thought when you started posting that there was a good chance that you would fix yourself and with that possibly save your marriage.....but you have continued to focus on your wife with only small steps towards working on yourself....and we can all see how well that is working....as Albert Einstein said "Insanity".

Leave her alone, drop the bible, and look into your soul....that is where the path starts to finding your solutions....only there...no place else...and nobody can help you do it...you have to want to do it for yourself and do it yourself....that is how it works!

Please refrain from any mention of your daughter as a slut or drug addict. Remember that she cannot begin to respect herself until you give her some respect..focusing on her past issues only causes them to happen again...a self fulfilling prophecy. She is a good kid who loves you deeply.....return the same with respect and you will be surprised at the results.

[are you kidding]

I can see the dance.

Think she gets to missing me and texts.

I told her 2 wks ago don't email me, now she thinks it's because she made a threat, i let her know on monday, no was tired of the attacks.

Anyway i have not gotten an email from her and I have not emailed her.

She texts me, I'm short and sweet, texts yesterday was D related.

I'm not focused on her too much.

Started my aderol.

For 7 months I have seen the deteriation of my kids and how our family is perceived.

Where ever i end up, I'm going to have a respected legacy and name, like before.

I'm the right person for her attacks because I do not take them personally.

But a couple pages ago Jack said when was I going to defend myself.

I am, not going to hurt her, I have a plan on the house.

But it's about time for lack of a better term she start to see what she is doing.

Guys I miss the past, what she's doing now, got enough knowledge to know they are half hearted attempts to feel good.

I realize she's been goading me into coming over, i know why she hit me, i was too comfortable, when d wouldn't come out of her mom's room, I sat on the couch and said haven't been here in awhile, think I'll enjoy the wkend here with you guys.

She responded to the fact I was calm and cool, even fixed myself a glass of water.

i had a smile on my face the whole time, that's what got her.

and when d acted up and sat next to mom, i got off the couch got on my knees and said to d i am going to fight for you, i am going to be your parent then your friend, then i sat back down on couch, about a minute later of quiet is when wife went ballastic. and i handled that calmly.

i was at the house monday, because she would not get my son shoes, the shoes he had were torn and we have snow on the ground.

she's upset i made arr's with d for counseling, thus she tried to one up me on something that has been set in motion.

I am a nice guy, that feels bad for how he's acted, but never did anything to hurt anyone.

when i handed her over to my friend saturday, it become about the kids and i, if i have a happy thought i smile or snap a rubber band, then i go on.

I want a better relationship, if that happens, it has to start with me.

you only see my posts, seen me on facebook much, no i'm galing or listening to audio books or doing my job and when i get my kids i am not more than 5 ft away.

AND I DO NOT TALK ABOUT THEIR MOM.

[Lostforwords]

Finally...some of the snot I like to see. So let her see what it going to be like with you gone. She likes to beat up on you, blame you for everything.....so don't give her the chance. Remember it takes two to fight....if one isn't present then there is no fight.

On the Aderol....be careful with that one. My son was on it for about to weeks and the moodiness was off the wall. He attacked my wife and myself....and he was 8. Taking him off was a trick to...so that is just a heads up. These is a new one out that my soon is on called intuniv that so far seems to be great for his focus and so far no mood swings. It is brand new (november '09) and it isn't a stimulant.....so if Aderol gives you fits it might be one to have the Dr research for you.

"and when d acted up and sat next to mom, i got off the couch got on my knees and said to d i am going to fight for you, i am going to be your parent then your friend, then i sat back down on couch, about a minute later of quiet is when wife went ballastic"-That explains the blow up though...I like what you said to your daughter...spot on. What sucks is that in your wife's state delivering it in front of her was more likely belittling in her mind....The old "I am going to be a parent because your mother isn't"....but I say what the heck because you did the right thing. Take care of that girl...give her a big hug because she is going through hell and we are all her for her in spirit.

[are you kidding]

Was going to type a whole bunch of stuff.

Am I the gate keeper for all the memories?

This deal with wife has so many dynamics, there isn't a darn thing I can do.

She's asked to be left alone.

I'll leave her alone.

I've been nice or been there for no reason.

She isn't going to like the motion, but it isn't going to be a shock and awe kind of deal.

I am going to fight for kids though. S and I have a lot of fun, I am enjoying showing him how to be a man.

Tonight I watched him hold the door for a family. Never saw him do that before, told him I was proud of him.

Son has been in a great mood tonight.

He wouldn't hold my hand, but he did put two mattress' on the living room floor, looks like I'm cuddling an 11 yr old.

D goes to ADD guy, I don't like him, he ticked me off, I let him know it to. Filled out a sheet and sent it to him so wouldn't be with wife and D. Asked him to keep my sheet close to his chest and he said something like I don't feel comfortable keeping secrets or something like that, I wasted no time hey a hole, a divorce has nothing to do with the fact D comes first, wanted u to keep my sheet to yourself, so you don't sway them one way or the other, TWO D feels picked on and don't want her to see what I put on the sheet and take it as a put down. I enjoyed hearing the silence on the other end of the line.

I didn't use to run into very rude people, get filed on and man they're everywhere:)

Bothers me cause I'm a nice guy looking for nice people.

[are you kidding]

TO ALL-

Wife called D those names not me, that's one of the reasons i'm so upset, she can call me any name she wants to. Kids keep them out of it.

Trapt shoot no, don't want a divorce, she accused me of stalling.

I emailed my atty again, slow the heck down, her atty is slow and lazy.

Why am I doing all the work on something I don't want?

Why am I spending all the money on motions for a divorce I don't want?

Called/emailed her Monday what's the plan for next wk?
In that email gave her the case # for when wife got me.

Nothing.

That's frustrating, see her husband left her and 5 kids after 22 yrs, didn't know that til already paid her.

So she about going on with life.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Why am I doing all the work on something I don't want?

???

I sure as sure don't know why man.

she accused me of stalling.

So?

She wants it let her do the work.

You drive me a bit nuts Kid.

Not many here are going to say you pushing the divorce is a good idea Kid. And if they do, you got to look deeper at why they would.

Doing all the leg work for the divorce to make her happy...is like:

Loading the guns and putting on your own blindfold before you march to the firing line to be shot, hoping that your 'helpfulness' will midigate some of the charges.