My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Wow, am I beyond frustrated. Where do I begin...My husband and I have been married 7 years. In September 09 my husband told me he hasn't been happy for two years...I know this is true & have noticed him being unhappy...How could he not be unhappy, his father (He had a very strong connection/relationship with him) passed away 2.5 years ago & he has become increasingly frustrated with feeling like he hasn't accomplished a career and is a failure in general. He really has little or no self-esteem. So September 09 rolls around & he tells me he is unhappy & we have "nothing in common" and we should maybe be divorced. Ouch. He left & ended up staying with a friend. He was gone about two & half weeks & we were in contact during that time but I did all of the usual wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. I asked if there was someone else & he said "no". When I did see him he was just uncomfortable & agitated most of the time & it was for just short periods. He did come home after the initial two weeks & he confessed that he did love me & he was wrong & home for good. Great! Well, less that two weeks later he was in and out of the house at weird times and staying out late. I really sensed he was seeing someone...he denied it. He did eventually go stay at his Mom's house. We were in contact but he always seemed irritated w/me and I still suspected he was talking to another woman. He admitted talking to another woman but that she was a friend and she knows he is married. I talked with his Mom around this time & she said that she didn't know what was wrong with him & that she told him to not make any rash desisions or say something he might regret, but she thought he might have depression/anxiety (she is a nurse after all & it runs in the family) Pretty good Mom advice I thought.
In the beginning of November he asks me to come over to his Mom's because he is "having a hard day". I arrived & he was overly emotional and sobbing. He was upset at himself for acting the way he was and wasn't sure why he was trying to ruin our marriage. He came back to our house & was "depressed" for the next week or so. He did tell me that the OW I suspected was correct & that he wasn't sure how he let her weasle her way into his life. He said that it wasn't a physical relationship. He did ask me to block her number on his cell phone. A week later he unblocked it and was calling her again. He began staying at his Mom's & talking/texting w/her continually through early December. Until again he breaks down sobbing & is all emotional & isn't sure what is happening, he thinks maybe he is depressed but he isn't sure again why he is acting or doing what he is doing or what he is feeling. He stays home again for a few days & then he is back at his Mom's, calling/texting and seeing the OW He did come home a few days before Christmas and stayed until Christmas Day night, he left again after texting with the OW....he then stays at his mom's house again until early January. He comes home in early January and asks if I can ever forgive him and that he is upset at himself for ruining my Christmas, New Years and Christmas break. But... you guessed it. Three days later he left again and stayed at his Mom's until the end of January. During this crazy time when he does come home and appologize, physical contact (ie: kissing, hugging, sex) is ok. But when he leaves and is talking/texting the other woman that behavior all of a sudden wasn't good and was misleading and wrong and shouldn't have happened.

In the middle of January I found Michelle's Dbing website and I set up a session with a coach and was very motiviated after my session. I read most of Divorce Remedy and I feel like my husband is going through some depression/anxiety but most likely a really early MLC. He is only 33, but the way he is acting and the fact that he is so upset with himself and loosing his father, I just can't help but think it is a MLC. I am by far not perfect, but I think this is mostly about him and not me. He has told me that it isn't me, it is him. He has told me that I am perfect and that he married "up" and he is holding me back becasue he feels like he is a looser. He is also acting like a WAS...actually he is just so confusing. His reasons and excuses have changed many times.

He did tell me on Jan 19th (Tuesday) that he thought he should file for divorce. I told him that I thought if he needed to he should. I couldn't stop or tell him what to do. I told him my life would be great with or without him, hopefully with him though. I think that got him thinking... I went "dark" for the next four days and only responded if he initiated a text message. He was in contact all of those days..and he asked how I was doing and I told him I was "fine" and I think he was confused by my response. We spent time together on Sunday and had sex... I asked later if he felt that it shouldn't of happened and if he had guilty feelings as he had before. He said "no"...hmm, things seem different. Two days later I was at a movie and he stopped by the house (he texted wanting to know where I was)...again different behavior from him. Two days later again he comes by after work unannounced. He fell asleep on the couch and came to our bed at 2 in the morning and cuddled with me instead of sleeping on the edge of his side. He stayed three nights and then one at his moms and now the last two at our house. Things have definately changed. I believe he is still in contact with the OW but it seems to be that it is limited contact, I think she has pushed him away. I know from past text, emails that I have seen, he is pushing her to be in a relationship and she is feeling pressured...The whole thing seems pretty high school plus the OW is 10 years younger and is leaving for school on the opposite side of the country in 3 months. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a long distance relationship with a divorcee who is 10 years older. It is almost like my husband is addicted to the feeling of hanging around her or talking to her and again from the stuff I have seen it is a complete infactuation he has of her..... I was out last night when he called to say he was coming home (I did not expect him to come home, I was shocked that this could happen again). He was upset and irritated and said he was going to his mom's. I told him I was on my way home and he should come to our house. He did come home, but he was cranky and just plain tired from working...He slept in our bed but wasn't at home when I called at lunch. He was again cranky sounding. I think he is seeing the OW today. He took money out of the bank (which he does so i don't know where he spends money) and it is pretty typical of him to act cranky at me if he is meeting her and not respond to the text I sent him. He really isn't very sneaky and good at hiding things and shouldn't be a secret agent. I still love him though and I just want him to come out of this fog/emotional affair infatuation....Oh just last week he sent her some stupid flower practically begging her to forgive him and that he was sorry. I'm not sure what he did, but again, very high school sounding if you ask me. I think she just enjoys hanging out with him (because he is a fun person)and he buys her dinner.

I would love words of advice or thoughts if someone has the time or desire. Mostly I am just venting as I have been on this roller coaster for four months and really feel like the communication between him and the other woman has decreased drastically...yet I am pretty sure he is meeting her today. The saying "two steps forward one step back" really applys here!

M 33
H 33
Together 13 years
Married 7 years
No kids
1 dog