feel like giving up - talk to me!

[robx]

I so agree with you! He doesn't love himself right now...and I can't expect for him to love me either. I've been praying constantly for him. He needs an awakening.

[luvless]

I so agree with you! He doesn't love himself right now...and I can't expect for him to love me either. I've been praying constantly for him. He needs an awakening.

right....

[robx]

Robx - thank you and you are exactly right.

I really can't take this anymore and I'm done and I've had it! I'm sure he won't care if I throw him out so I don't even worry about that part.

I do know I have to do this and do it right. He will leave if I ask him so that's how it will go. I just have been avoiding being the one to "kick him out" so he can just blame me like he's been doing for everything!

I'm going to take your advice and will not mess this up. I owe it to myself after all this anguish.

Thank you for taking the time to post that detailed response.

You see that attitude about not taking this anymore and "I'm done", that's the attitude.

He may not care initially if you throw him out, and actually I would hope that is the case. Here's the reasoning, he believes he still has the upper hand here. This is where sticking to your guns makes the difference, he'll leave for a weekend, few days, a week, maybe more and then he'll come back and think that everything's ok and that's when you stick to your guns (and I mean stick to your guns, no half assed effort!) and you tell him in a calm way without being angry but being serious and you look at him and tell him "I was serious, I'm done, I don't want this anymore, I want something better in my life and I've been wasting my life with someone like you. You don't know what you had, you took me for granted all this time and if I took you back, you would be nice for a bit and then go back to your old ways. Life is too precious to waste, its time for me to heal from this and then maybe find someone else when I'm ready, I want good things for you too, one day you'll see this was for the best...", short, sweet, to the point and not being angry about it. Showing you're angry is really just showing you're still emotionally invested in him and your relationship, being indifferent shows him something he hasn't seen before, no emotion, no reaction.

Alot of people will tell you, a relationship requires lots of hard work, maybe they're right or maybe they just don't know that people should reciprocate love, caring & tenderness - you should be loved the way you want to be loved, if you don't get love like that from your partner you will always be unsatisfied and you will always feel like you're settling and then you will feel resentful and I don't care who you are, you can hold in those feelings of resentment for so long until you explode.

If he wants to love you he'll learn how to do it the right way, if he leaves and never comes back, you've found out now instead of wasting years of your life investing in a person who had no intention of loving you the way want to be loved.

[robx]

here's the catch,
alot of people will try this but they will back pedal as soon as their spouse shows some interest and the spouse will be like "well that wasn't difficult, they werent serious about giving up after all, this isn't exciting, this is boring, I guess I'll go back to my old ways..."

Crisis, fear of loss motivates people to change in these situations.

[robx]

you sound like you're ready to start doing things that work,
remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over & over again, expecting different results and we all know that doesn't work.

Do something different, do what works.

[mindfull]

I'm w/you, too, Luv.

[luvless]

If he wants to love you he'll learn how to do it the right way, if he leaves and never comes back, you've found out now instead of wasting years of your life investing in a person who had no intention of loving you the way want to be loved.

AMEN to this

[robx]

take into account this isn't resentment or anger talking during these recent posts, this is just a realization of your current reality, instead of fighting reality which you've been doing all of this time (arguing with him, explaining your feelings to him, asking him to change, telling him what he's doing is wrong, him willfully and knowingly doing things that hurt & anger you and show you he doesn't value you or the relationship he has with you), you don't fight reality - you can't fight reality, you accept it, when you don't accept it, you get nowhere and still complain that life isn't fair. Life is fair, it's been showing you the way the whole time, we just didn't like the way originally because we thought it would bring us away from what we wanted but we've proven that fighting against the facts of reality, we don't get what we want. So what do we do, we accept it, we accept that spouse isn't going to change because he has no reason to change, we let them go, it's their choice to live their lives like this but we also learn that we have a choice as well, we can follow them, try to change them, try to force them to be with us and to treat us properly or we accept reality and let go.

The funny thing is this, accepting reality actually brings us closer to getting what we want.

When we let them go, we stop fighting with them, we stop pressuring them, they can be whoever they want to be, however we remove ourselves as an option in their lives - as long as you are an "option", you will be something that can be used or discarded as they see fit, removing the option gives them fear of loss, something they haven't experienced, we're no longer around to be used, our value increases, we become something to be sought after, something that someone should work hard for, that shouldn't be taken for granted.

We always want what we don't have, we don't appreciate things we have easily in our lives.

Remove yourself as an option, move in the opposite direction of your spouse:

"I've had enough of this, I don't want this anymore, it's time for something better in my life and you aren't it, it's time for you to go away."

[motherof3]

(((Luv)))

[luvless]

I'm up early as usual..really wish I could sleep in one of these days but H has to get up at 5. Last night was mellow. He came in and got dinner that was left on the stove. He hasn't sat and ate at the table in a long time. We were all here in the room just talking. He didn't seem as distant as usual...well to me he is but he was at least engaging.

We all sat on the couch and watched some tv. I went to bed and he soon came in after. We go to sleep early cuz we get up so dang early.

This morning I asked him about his friends from office and superbowl he said yeah everyone we invited is coming. I text him yesterday about our boat being ready (it was getting a tune up and I can't haul it) and he didn't even respond...he doesn't call or doesn't respond to anything. No I am not expecting I'm just saying.

He left saying, "see you when I get home." I don't get the kiss goodbye anymore or the phone call coming home. Two more things that show me he is trying.

Anyway guys not much to update all is quiet here at the Luv household.

Today for Me...

1 - going to the bookstore for some reads and coffee
2 - getting a facial while D is getting her haircut
3- booty on treadmill

Rob - your posts last night really helped me

Luv