no idea what to do......

[Gardener]

gman, gman, gman,

small update...been a much improved person (in my eyes anyways), not letting the little things that used to annoy me get to me - i feel much better,

Good. Believe me, the challenge is being consistent in this regard.

W is in a dark place and makes me very upset to see her like this,

She's in a dark place BY CHOICE if it "makes" you very upset, detach! Do NOT let her feelings/emotions DICTATE yours.

kids are like a trigger to her lately, she just seems super stressed. I do try to occupy the kids when i get home from work but by then i think she is at her wits end.

Again: her problem. Her problem to deal with. There is NOTHING you can do about this and if you try, despite best intentions, you will be resented (or worse) for doing so.

also think that me working on me is kind of pissing her off at times, not to mention i do not take her verbal "bait" anymore.

Too damn bad. Everything about you pisses her off. It HAS to. You are wrong, evil, THE problem She thinks this way almost exclusively in order to justify her feelings and actions.

is it possible or the norm for the WAS to detest what she is seeing now?

It is possible, it is the norm, it is the SCRIPT, it is her raison de etre.

i have told her repeatedly when she trys to say something about the way things were - "i do not want to go back to the way things were, it is not fair to you or me. I can only work on the future and that i hope she will as well"

Good. Shorten it: "I choose not to dwell in the past. I'm working on me. For me. Now. Nothing else."

i still find that pursuing is a real bitch not to do - it is in my nature, i am a "physical" touch kind of love langue person.

How's that working out for you? Do what works! Drop what doesn't! Counterintuitive!

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."

Good luck.