Question

[awest1217]

I have been thinking a lot today because I feel unsatisfied and I am not sure why. I really feel one week ago, H and I finally got over a huge hump and things have been uphill since, but I think my biggest thing is the trust. I can't trust H. I don't want to tell him that, but at the same time, I don't want to just say, I trust you completely either because I know that is just lying to myself. I have been dealing with OW on an EA side for 10 years. I really don't want that life anymore, but I can't really tell H how I am feeling because it has only been a week and I don't want him to think I don't appreciate what he has been doing.

What I think is really setting me off, is the fact that H has only come over once this week. I have been busy, but at the same time, he talks about wanting to come home and missing us...so why not come over more? I don't want to get back to us seeing him twice a week, texting and that is it. Like I said it is just the first week and I need to be patient, but what is going through my head is "is he still with OW?" is OW spending the night", "has he told OW yet why he isn't talking to her?" as of the last conversation on AIM i read, he only said he was playing with S and never mentioned me (see previous posts for more). Now that way the day after our talk, but still. Has he told her yet? We had a good texting conversation after work and he actually asked about my day, which is a first in a while, once again progress. About an hour after the last text, he texts me and says "just a reminder...i love you :*" He has been sending stuff like that a lot since last week so I want to believe he is doing this to reassure me, which I have asked for. I really want to believe that, but I just can't. I know trusting will take a long time, but I don't want to sell him short on what he is doing to help. I always smile when he does stuff like that. It always makes me feel better...it is just trusting.

The progress that has been made in a week is awesome. I mean really climbing the mountain. I think I am just scared of what is around the corner. Is this really the truth or is he just doing this for now so he can keep me and OW? I believe he understands I mean business about changing the OW part and I have been assuring him about other talents he has so that I am affirming him, which is where I lacked and OW picked up the slack.

Maybe it is just that one year ago this weekend, is the first weekend H lied to me about hanging out with OW. He was supposed to go to this youth conference I am going to this year, with S and I last year. He cancelled last minute to get work done...come to find out, OW was here Friday night for Chinese and Saturday to help pick out his glasses, and on top of that OW2 that popped up again right before Christmas. It was one year ago this weekend, that she called H because he was trying to contact her to make amends without me knowing. I listened on the stairs to his conversation and come to find out, he did have feelings for her and the OW at the time were all to fill the void that was left when I forced him to let her go. I heard all of this and text him to just leave and be with her. He right away hung up the phone and came running upstairs to say he was just resolving feelings, but he loved me. They didn't talk again until right around Christmas where they started IMing and texting. It was one year ago the earthquake of my life started....and now thinking back it really hurts to still be wondering.

A little weak tonight, but will be better tomorrow.