Next steps

[chatterbug]

I agree 100% with DbD.

What he wants may not be what she wants.

[avermont]

I don't think this woman has enough character to be haunted.

Remember--she gave this house address to the bank! So--making this up in my own head, the scenario went something like this:

X: here, honey, here's the local bank to set up your account.
OW: what address should I give?
X: I told Avermont to move to the apartment half of the house. I'm sure she will, and we'll be all moved in by the end of October. Just use the house address!
OW: Sounds great!

No, I do not credit her with having enough sensitivity to be haunted.

This woman "fake makes out" (as I have described) with a married man--the friends she was staying with, in FRONT of her lover (my X) and his partner (me). Not once, but twice.

So I don't think we should credit her with the moral compass of a grape.

kiss kiss hug hug

[avermont]

Sorry--rant:

SHE WAS PLANNING AND COUNTING ON MOVING IN HERE ASAP!!

THAT'S WHY SHE GAVE THIS ADDRESS TO THE BANK!

Sorry.

Pearl, can you steer me to a general time frame in your posts when your 'switch' flipped, as you put it? I started to read back through your posts, but there's an awful lot of 'em!

thanks all.

[avermont]

Update on the Lawyer:

It doesn't look good for old Avermont.

In 2002 the VT supreme court ruled that in Partitionship cases they REALLY prefer that one party or another be awarded the property, not have it sold to a third party.

The court would order some "commissioners" to inspect the property and see if there is any way it could be subdivided. (It couldn't)

Failing that, the commissioners will look for any compelling reason that one party should have it over the other.

The woodshop/barn would be prime example of why X should have the house. We built the woodshop specifically so X could have his father's woodworking tools, and start doing woodworking for a hobby.

It also became necessary storage space for us and the tenants. But the whole downstairs is the woodshop.

I have the woodshop at the school where I work and teach theatre whenever I have a home project or community theatre project to work on.

While we will both claim sweat equity, X has a lot more time/energy into fixing up the house, and he knows that I know it.

So my chances of getting the house are quite a bit less than 50/50. I would have to reframe my arguement about why I should get the house. Unfortunately, being a distraught, jilted, my-man-done-me-wrong woman doesn't cut it in the eyes of the law.

Had this convo with L while waiting at doc's office to get higher dose of anti-a. I am in pretty bad shape this past week. Cried a ton at the doc's office; what a drag. She did up my prescription, which hopefully will help.

This morning, before talking with L, I decided I should start the exercise of packing my things up in boxes. Just in case the unthinkable happens...I will have started, little by little, doing the most painful thing.

I would love to treat myself to those nice moving boxes! Rather than scrounging up icky grocery store boxes!

Came back from doc's; took some meds; lay on the floor (gee,what a productive day at work!) Decided to sell the bedroom furniture. In X's proposal, he generously ceeded me the bed set. What a great guy. Rather than trying to lug a huge painful memory to where-ever I might go, I would rather sell it. Buy a new bed when I get to where-ever I go. Guess I can sleep on my camp cot for a few months.

So I think I am trying to slowly back my way into contemplating the inevitable, and the awful.

I just wish I had a vision of new, happy, single life, the way that pearl posted in her early posts. I just see---single 45 year old woman, in a state crawling with women just like me--attractive, lots of hobbies, smart, good job, good community connections. There just ain't a lot of single men around here.

And then--assuming I start working with the worst case scenario--where to move to? what do do with my life?

Sigh.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver,

It is just so sad to be in a place where I am going to lawyers and talking trash about my X--talking about OW, and affairs, and moving into apts. out of vengeance! When did my perfectly quiet, respectable, decent, moral life become a trailer trash soap opera? This is so not us. So not me.

Yeah I know. It wasn't our choice but here we are, lives upside down. You are doing the right thing though. If you weren't standing up to him imagine how much worse your sitch would be.

I found an email H sent on Mon. in my spam folder, he wants to "Get together & talk this weekend!" That really sends me into the scary zone. After all this time too. Amazing the thought of talking affects me so badly still. And makes me feel naseous. If you're up to it A, feel free to stop by & weigh in. But no worries if not. Keep taking care of yourself. (((((hugs))))))

[Gardener]

Avermont,
Found you.(actually, Serenity found your thread and gave it to me.) I will catch up soon and join in if/when I think I can contribute.
Thanks again.

[Wholeagain]

((( Aver )))

I can sympathize being in limbo regarding your house.
Talk to couple more lawyers. There can be special considerations for common law cases.

[Wholeagain]

If anything, don't agree that it's his workshop with his tools. He would have to prove that in court, might as well be easier to let you buy him out and move the tools with him.

[pearlharbr]

Sucks about the house news. If it looks like H will have more claim to the house then discuss options with your L. I would think that you could ask for significantly more than the paltry $5K "extra" he has offered to keep things out of court. If he wants you to go easily then he should be willing to pay for it.

I understand about pouring your heart into a renovation. All the more reason I think you should let the house go and relocate. If you end up with the house you will constantly be reminded of X. And I don't think you should run away from your town because X and OW "won," I just think this is a great opportunity for you to start over fresh and sometimes a new place is good.

If what you really want is to be in another relationship, then you have to consider going to where the men are. That has nothing to do with tucking your tail between your legs and slinking away. That's about knowing what you want and taking steps to achieve it. [P.S. I still vote for Vancouver because it's such a fabulous city and then I'll know someone there to crash on the sofa! ]

Trust me, I was in the dumps plenty in the beginning. Thought I was too old to start over, no men would want me, I would end up being the crazy cat lady and dying alone. But I had friends who said that was just crazy talk. And I started going out and was getting chatted up by men wherever I went. So I realized that, if I wanted another R, I could have it.

You asked about when the switch flipped. Just to be clear, when I talk about that I mean the moment I decided that I was simply finished with BF and would be moving on without him. I was no longer interested in saving the R because I was disgusted and tired of all the crap. It was on 1/23/09. Not sure if I posted that night but here's the recap:

I saw an email from OW to BF in which she talked about my cat W. I was enraged. How dare she talk about my baby; he is MY cat, MY family. If I recall correctly, I thought if she wanted to take my BF, fine, have the cheating bastard, but there was no way in HELL I would stand having her around my cat. I know, it's kind of crazy, but that's what went through my mind. So I called my BFF, told her what happened, and while I was on the phone with her I got BF's suitcase out and packed him some clothes. I kicked him out that night and took his house key.

That's why I always say I was terrible at detachment. I never managed "loving detachment" because I just kicked his ass out and moved on.

[newmama]

I just see---single 45 year old woman, in a state crawling with women just like me--attractive, lots of hobbies, smart, good job, good community connections.

Avermont, if your real life personality is anything like your online one, then there are not lots of women just like you! You are one of a kind!
Sorry that I'm not a man telling you this!

There just ain't a lot of single men around here.

How far are you willing to drive to date someone? And are you open to older men? (sorry, can't remember how old X is)