Well, now that you got all the legal BS out of the way (or at least have a better idea of what went on as far as papers go) you can better focus on you!
It's NOT easy to separate the legal and emotional side of dissolving a marriage. Quite frankly it is a huge drag but necessary. Anyhow, good luck!
Now, I'm behind [as usual]. Got hell of a headache.
Need to relax, work on my 'wish list' started by Gno. Get my head to stop spining, outline a plan that makes sense, is workable. 1st one, wow, when I looked at it later, sounded more like a war plan for revenge. Was to angry at the time. Right outline, but not filled in with right colors. Gno would have switched the 2x4's to a sledge hammer.
Dale, I've been out all day and just got in. I see that you've been quite busy. I haven't read all of CG's posts to you, but as you can see, she is quite clued up on the legal side of things.
So, your W hasn't filed. That's good. This is all you needed to know. I'm glad to see you have a business attorney and that you have been familiarizing yourself with the legalities involved. However it is always advisable to get a L who is completely familiar with D in your state so you will know what you can/not do.
From what I have seen in your posts of today is that you are letting paranoia and fear creep in. E.g. Your D calling. You need to reign that in. You should not be living in a state of anxiety every time the phone rings. You have been busy -- and that is a valid excuse. Use the following rule of thumb: If you are busy, you do not need to answer the phone. If your children call, by all means answer. If they try to talk about your W or your relationship, you can listen and validate. You do not need to share information with them as to what it is you are thinking. That is between yourself and W. The kids should not be involved.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I am only clued in to legal things because I was stuck in court for two years and my H's attny was a snake! LOL!
I really just sort of do what my attny taught me to do... pick out "red flags" that we need to address on the legal side of things. Sadly, I have become a very good picker
Congratulations on not answering your phone when in an angry state. All your interactions with your W until this crisis is over should be the 4C's. An emotional state of mind leads to knee-jerk reactions and often makes things worse.
Haven't totally caught up, but this stood out and I wanted to comment on it:
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Need to relax, work on my 'wish list' started by Gno. Get my head to stop spining, outline a plan that makes sense, is workable. 1st one, wow, when I looked at it later, sounded more like a war plan for revenge. Was to angry at the time. Right outline, but not filled in with right colors. Gno would have switched the 2x4's to a sledge hammer.
1) You're right, you need to relax.
You feel you are operating under pressure of a deadline of Feb 11th.. set by your W. Here's the truth: That deadline is imaginary. It's in your head. If you feel you need more space then you can do that very easily with the following words:
"W, a lot has changed in these past few months and I've been thinking. I need some space to process these thoughts to decide what I want and what is best for me. I don't believe your returning on Feb 11th will serve either of us well at this point in time. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to stay with grandson's mother and assist her while I resolve my thoughts."
Or something similar to the above. She WILL ask you what you're thinking about. Point out that you are still sorting things out... and do not wish to discuss them until you are ready. This will buy you the time you need.
I know you're thinking that this may push her away... so I'll ask you this question: If a simple request like that does push her away, then will show you how serious she ever was. Another thing that may happen is that she will feel threatened and show up on your doorstep sooner than the 11th.
2) Your plan
Some will call it a war plan, others a strategy etc. The purpose of your plan will be to threefold: a) identify your boundaries and consequences b) identify your non-negotiable requirements for reconciliation c) a road map to winning her back (including counter-intuitive methods) with fallback routes.
You're right about one thing... if I thought your plan was about revenge then I would stop helping you. Revenge is a waste of energy that build hatred and bitterness. DB'ing is about finding a way to live your life happily (regardless of the outcome) If you are looking for revenge... then the best revenge you will ever be able to have is to live your life in peace, tranquility and joy.
With that being said, you are right in recognizing this will be a long process. This is why you have your plan -- think of it as a schedule. You will need to refer to it constantly to remind yourself of the purpose.
One of the things that will take time will be your W's grief that her dreams have been shattered. Do not think that the sudden turnaround or 'epiphany' she's had are permanent. She will need time to get out of that fog. Some people also call this withdrawal from the affair. Some WAW's do not return from that and immediately seek out a new affair. I'm telling you this so you can be prepared for it should it happen.
So.. if I you have to choose with her staying where she is now or having her living nearby (not in the home) I would choose the latter. You don't know how or why the EA fell apart, and it could re-ignite at any moment. These are unknowns.
Puppy Dog Tails had a good post on OnceBurdened's thread about the stages of remorse. There are four stage's ... and so far your W has not demonstrated any yet. Please read that thread in it's entirety. OB's W is showing promising signs of having returned.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Hey, Dale. What? You can't run a company, AND post on DB? LoL
I'm ok. We're at a turning point here... As you've read, DB'ing was highly effective in stopping a divorce (only a slight threat to begin with...) and creating a "calm and peaceful" home, but this process has also paralyzed my ability to speak (up). (You'd be shocked if you met me, and knew this...) It's affecting me emotionally, and now, physically. Its also made me realize that i need to stop feeding my H attention w/very little return.
I think it's truly time to start DB'ing now. Well, just as soon as I get these sick kids back in school!!!
Be good. Look forward to the update!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
