No Kerry, has no clue of LLs. When I tried to introduce him to the concept, I thought my #1 LL was time, so if he remembered that, he has the wrong idea, in the meantime I realised it isnt... (and MC told us it inst time I am looking for, btw, she said it is shared experiences/connection that can be achieved with very little time if necessary)...
I never honestly thought he is not CAPABLE of giving me what I want, most of it at least. I am hurt and disappointed he chooses not to. He feels I am confident he cant. I say, feel, he wont.
He misses the fact that when I get upset and insist on what I need it is because he has given it to me before. I know he could.
Have you said this to him? These precise words?
IMO I would write back or tell him this simply and clearly, and then let him go in his cave and think about it. If he's using a cop out, he won't do anything with the info. BUt if he is really struggling with wanting to know how to love you and make you happy, then positive support may encourage him. But let him make the choice.
I don't know your sitch well enough to know where your H is coming from. Just trust your intuition on this.
One thing I read from one of the books over the past six months is something along the lines that without taking a risk you can't find love. Taking this off of you a bit. After all you have been through, you have a tough exterior and because of your experiences, you first response is to protect yourself, which is completely understandable, however, unless you are willing to open up a little, he won't open up. He sees you as a strong woman, which you are in order to stick with him, but now you need to start giving back some control to him and help him to succeed. This isn't playing a game, but rebuilding confidence for him and you. Something as small as asking him to make the next MC appointment. Don't demand, but let him know you are busy and would appreciate him taking the time to make the next MC appointment. Just sit back and wait for him to do it, or it could be some other small task. You really need to make a plan now to get back to each other. You both have walls built, and it may be that until you show that you are willing to open up and let the vulnerability show, he won't be able to take the next step to be the man.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Hey M, so I just showed bf the letter and asked him,as a reformed WAS, what he thought, this is what he said...
"WOW, wow. God, thats from the soul. He's really baring his soul here. And its desperate, he sounds, just, desperate. I mean he just.. hates himself. He really hates himself (gets tears in his eyes).. I know myself how that feels and you just get into this negative mindset and beat yourself up and the more you feel you are useless and no good to those who love you, the more worthless and useless you feel. And you get trapped by your thinking and its just a viscious circle, a viscious circle.. and yes he says here *reads out*...
I feel helpless. Like a paraplegic....I am useless. An [censored].. I realise that now. But since I dont know how or I cant offer you what you need...But then what? The end? How? And on and on and on in my head. The same vicious circle. With no end and no beginning. 24 hours a day. With no solution.
..with no end and no begiinning, on and on in my head...
Wow. The trouble is, he has put her through so much, he knows he cant expect her to help him out and he isnt even asking her to is he. God, it reminds me of BMF (the one who cant express himself, that also has depression and nearly left his W and D recently..) theres just this wall, this brick wall, they just cant open up and say whats inside. He needs help. He desperately needs help, its not about M..
Me - Yes, he went for MC and spoke to the C and just ended up crying
Well thats a start then, its a start right, thats a good sign that he could do that and crack but its not a quick fix and its going to take time. I know that when I was where he was, you have to get help, but the initiative has to come from him.
Gosh, its sad, I have completely changed my mind about him now, I know I've been saying the past few weeks, he is an idiot, but I dont think that now. I think he needs help, badly and that he has bared his soul here and clearly loves her. Its a start at least."
...So there you go chiquittita! Love Al xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Had alot of reading to do to catch up, Hi Maria, the only additional comment I have other than what has been said is that the thought occurred to me, is what he did before that made you happy enough for the person you are now? from posts I have read he was always busy, you had little time together etc.. were you truly happy then with what you had, the life and marriage you had? I mean pre A and subsequent discoveries plus "other" life changing events. People change with or without afairs or MLC. We all do with life experiences,we hope,we think that those we love are changing along the same lines as we are and that we will still be the same people.
One of the biggest mistakes in peicing I read is that you can't just pick up where you left off and put the past behind you because by its very nature the old marriage has gone. You both are different people now.
So is the man you loved then and the things he did that made you happy, enough for the Maria you became/are now ? I know that is a really hard question and not one I would care to have to answer but neds thinking on I fear.((((((())))))))
I'm amazed and pleased by how you had your "crucible moment," and how it gave you direction! Mine also made me reconsider exactly what I wanted my life & any future M to look like. During that crucible day, I looked deep into myself to determine whether I still loved my H (it was 3 years into his MLC and I really thought I didn't any more), to discover that I did, which made the rest possible. But I get the feeling that whether/not you love your H is not a question you can answer yet?
As for his letter, he seems to list all the key points for depression: the depressed person feels that nothing will get better and that he's powerless to make improvements; feels too exhausted to tackle or accomplish change; feels guilty, worthless and self-critical; can't focus, make decisions or remember things. Which is pretty much the hell your H describes.
I think the fact that your H was even able to give you this window into how he feels is amazing--it took a lot just to write the letter. And he did it for YOU--I'm sure he never revealed a fraction of himself to OW like that. I hope he will be able to do IC, for both your sakes, to learn to move past this depression. Many depressed men used work as the crutch which keeps them functioning--resolving the depression might also allow him to create a better family/work balance.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I didnt respond to his letter last night. I left a note on the table saying "thanks for writing to me. I know how difficult that is for you and I appreciate it very much, very much".
Time for some answers- to myself ...
I do love my H. I do. It's not the love I had for him. But it is there. I dont know how it survived since he did all he could to push me away. But it is there. I am not in love with him, I am not feeling the feeling you get when you first meet someone, I can see him clearly for what he is. I can live without him if I have to.
naej, H was spending little time with us even before all this happened. But he would be home around 9-10 every night, a schedule I knew form the first day I met him.
But he would bring me flowers, tell me he loved me, made love to me and whisper "you are my woman", bought me thoughtful gifts, send me little notes with "I am sorry" when we had fights... He would act jealous, be really nice and loving to the people I loved (my family and friends), was a dedicated father, etc..etc.
All that gradually changed a year after his mom died. 2005. Right when I started feeling I was so damn tired. 2006 he met her. I dont know if it has anything to do with that, but that is the timeline. Overall I believe, he failed to grow up. I believe he dodged. (In the end it doesnt matter what I believe anymore).
My BFF who knows us well, told me last night that this is what she has been telling me all along:she had suggested I keep going to MC because she thought H wont go to IC by himself, he needs me there, with him. She has told me, to try and figure out if I have the strength to pull the cart a little bit more, just enough to get him out of this hole. She believes he cant do it on his own. That he needs me.
I was very affected by the email. I want to stop his pain. But I am wondering what the right balance is between stepping in and allowing him to sort it out for himself... K
