So sorry to hear about the dog GW its heart breaking when you have had a furry person in your life so long, they do become almost human. Hope it isnt too hard to tell the girls the bad news tomorrow.
Good to see you are rethinking about how far YOU have come and what else you can do proactive is always good.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
GW, I feel you brother about the dog. We(no me) lost the pet cockatiel just a few weeks ago and my STBXW acted the same as yours. WTF? Keep GAL, and PMA. I am doing my best also, I know it is hard sometimes. Got to work on ourselves.
My heartfelt condolences, too. When it rains it pours, indeed.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
With all due respect it is nothing more than a tremendous waste of energy. IMO the more clues you search for the less you will find. Things become very clear when you take a step back.
Excellent, CG. And so true. Heed this, GW.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks for all the kind words. It is actually today we are going to tell the kids and then have him put down on Fri. W and I just had another discussion about what we were going to do, very friendly/warm. I did have to tell her that I was going to be present for all this, not because she needed any help, but becuase I WANTED to be there...she seemed to on a path of making all the arrangements without checking on my availability. When I told her this, she was very pleasant and understanding and asked when I wanted to have all this scheduled. No resistance.
Right now, to be honest, I can't think about what I need to do for myself. I just need to get my kids thru this and get this behind us. I know the older daughter is going to be devastated. While W was on her trip and the dog started limping again, I already dealth with the daughter in tears because she didn't want the do to die.
Yes all this has me thinking too much about the W, but I realize that isn't going to change for a couple of days. I'll get past that stage, but not today. I'm just being realistic, not looking for a 2x4.
It is so odd, the dynamic I see over and over...it is something about our house. When we are not in the house, I get a much warmer, friendlier, happy to be with me W. In the house, cold and distant with a very high/strong wall around her. Just experienced it again, talking about the dog and how she felt and her sharing what she has gone thru today. I am fairly confident that today, here at work, I could have reached to hold her (in private) and she wouldn't have resisted. But I didn't...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks for all the kind words. It is actually today we are going to tell the kids and then have him put down on Fri. W and I just had another discussion about what we were going to do, very friendly/warm. I did have to tell her that I was going to be present for all this, not because she needed any help, but becuase I WANTED to be there.
Just a thought: Have you considered putting beloved pet down at home? There are vets that do This. And maybe do it with the kids present. We did this once and it was comforting and peaceful and just felt right to all.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I think it is a great idea to prioritize due to the situation with your dog. Sometimes we just have to focus on one thing at a time and right now your precious family pet is what is important.
I think many times a WAS is much friendlier and more open outside of the home as the home reminds them of the hard times and how badly they were feeling prior to the bomb. It is difficult to relax in a setting that is associated with strife, conflict, massive responsibility and hurt. In a way you are fortunate that you work with your W (or in the same building it seems) as you have the opportunity to interact with her on a different level than just at home or during family time.
I truly am so very sorry for the the pain you and your family have about ya'lls dog. Many good vibes being sent your way!
CG - Interesting perspective on the home and the WAS. My brain couldn't put those two and two together probably since my bad times were never anywhere near as bad as hers. We work in buildings right next to each other...can throw a rock and hit her building. Lots of meetings together...probably 4 a week that we have to attend to together and just the way the seating is, I normally sit right across from W.
I don't know if it is a pro or con interacting on this different level. She has told me more than once that we work together well and at work we are a good team, but in the M not so much at all. So in her mind they are distinct and separate. I think she respects the heck out of me in a work environment, many times even after the bomb, she has told me and others that she knows of no one better at what we do...but again, that doesn't necessarily mean she respects me as a H.
Because we work together and she sees me so often, I wonder if that adds to her normal routine of secluding herself somewhere in the house after the kids go to bed (normally in the basement or in our bedroom with door shut).
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Then you have made a good discovery. If she secludes herself at home then she needs space. Give it to her. Stop trying to find things to do together at home, stop trying to work in the LL's right now and let her be.
That being said the way you behave with her at work should also change. You would not be discussing personal issues with any other co-worker so stop discussing personal issues AT WORK with your W. If you want her to not cake eat, don't let her. If she wants a change at home she needs to see there will be changes at work as well. It is not a pick and choose type deal.
You can do all this with a smile and a firm stance and none of it involves being an A-HOLE. You are very lenient with your W and her crappy behavior. Since you can't control how crappy she behaves stop giving her the opportunity to pick and choose when she acts decent to you. She has a reputation to uphold at work so it is easier to be decent and still lean on you in the office when it suits her. Are you okay with that?
CG - gosh I can't believe what you just wrote - right under my nose and i didn't see it. You are right. Talking personal issues at work is a kind of recent/new development...didn't used to happen much at all (niether before nor after the bomb). I never really saw that and certainly didn't see it as cake eating. I changed that dynamic more so than she did, and now she has latched on. I can relflect I changed it b/c of jealousy about OM whom she was contacting non-stop at work. But all indications is that has stopped or slowed to an extreme deep cover crawl.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
If she wants a change at home she needs to see there will be changes at work as well. It is not a pick and choose type deal.
You are very lenient with your W and her crappy behavior.
I don't quite follow what you are saying here. And yes I have always been very lenient on crappy behavior, even when things were going ok with us.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
It is much easier for your W to "latch on" to the new dynamic you created at work (talking about personal issues at work) because work is a structured atmosphere. She is expected to behave a certain way and there are very clear ramifications if she does not. She has a reputation to uphold. All of those things most probably make it easier for her to act different towards you.
At home though she has no such ramifications for bad behavior. She knows when she pouts enough she will get her way and once she does get her way she has you right where she wants you. Do you think that would fly at work with another co-worker? No, it would not.
You changed the dynamic at work out of jealousy towards OM which is a form of fear IMO. Because of the "controlled atmosphere" of work your W has grown comfortable with the R you share at work. At home she has NOBODY to be accountable to and she has no reputation to uphold so she does what she wants. At home you seem to feel the situation is more controlled even though it is not.
You changed the dynamic at work yet you are very resistant to changing it at home IMO.
