Scared and need advice

[avermont]

Back to you again, LFA.

How does selling to him and moving elsewhere feel? You mentioned he moved to another city with OW. Are you selling the house to him? Or have you both agreed just to sell and start fresh?

That is really what I want. Neither of us gets the house, and we are both faced with packing up and making new choices.

My friend last night pointed out that X isn't having to deal with any of the "death" involved in this. I am facing the death of the R, the death of my living space, the death of my place in town. If he gets the house, he does not have to face the loss of anything. I don't know if he realizes yet how many friends he has lost.

But to be honest, his guy friends, once biking season starts up again, will just be guys and shrug it off as "life goes on." So he may never feel that pain, either.

How are you making the decisions on where to live? does your job keep you where you are? would you consider a whole new job, town, life? Do you talk these things over with friends, IC, family?

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver, thanks for the update. You sound better!

Well, let's see where to start.. Let me try to sum up my current sitch/state of mind, then we'll get back to yours.

So H left at end of March. At the time he was like, this is temporary, just for now, I need to get out of here, I can't stand seeing you upset, etc. Well here we are in Feb., almost at the 1-yr. mark!! The thing about our house is, for me, it's full of reminders, in fact it is itself a reminder of our life together. We bought it 10 yrs. ago, rehabbed it together, it took 3 yrs. We actually lived in the little garage apt. behind it for 5 yrs. (even after we bought the property as house needed so much work). My family, most of my friends, live on the other side of town, about 20 mi. away. Not terrible but, it's a half hr. on the freeway ea. way. Over 10+ mos, that's gotten old. The reason we moved there was it was a good in between city for both our jobs at the time (in 1996!)

So it's not like I'm in a completely different part of the state or anything but I like that side of town, I grew up there, it's close to downtown where I work, etc. Over this looooonnnnngggg time living in house by myself, I've decided I want to get out of here. After all this time, I still can't stand to spend a whole day in that house alone. It's just too much of a reminder of H, our M, and everything that's wrecked now. I want to move back where I lived before. It feels like home to me.

I'm pretty sure, but don't really know for sure since H hasn't admitted it, he is living in OW's house in another city also about half hr. away. Like you, I never, ever thought H would do anything like this. EVERYONE loved him, he was a great guy & why would I ever think he'd betray me? So denial was not just a river in Egypt (sorry!!) as I missed or denied all the red flags that things were going very wrong. To this day I can hardly watch TV in that house b/c that's what I did at night for mos. while he was out after work - 3, 4 5 times a week!!! I could just kick myself!! Anyway, back to your ? - I want to get out of there, yes, starting over, all that stuff. Seems like 11 mos. is enough time to know - if I was going to feel differently wouldn't I by now? Being there just ultimately depresses me.

When H & I "talked" in Nov., when he was all gung ho about the S agrmt., he wanted to know if I wanted the house etc. I told him then I didn't want to stay in it. He said he didn't want to sell it, we'd take a hit, a big one probably w the market so bad, & that he'd live there. Does it bother me that OW could be there? Oh yeah, that would make me totally ill. But, if I never see, never have to be over there then so be it. BTW she owns her own house, (she is/was married, H told me she separated this summer, was one of my puzzle pieces in putting this together) so not sure if she'd move there. It totally makes me ill. But I can't control what he does/doesn't do.

Yeah, I know your BF & my H are not having to deal w the ugly stuff here. No it's not fair. But they have to live w themselves for what they've done for the rest of their lives. We can't worry about what they think or feel. We can only control us, so don't worry about X's guilt or lack thereof. There's a good post about this somewhere, I'll find it & send you link.

"And this is the guy who ONE WEEK after informing me he was done with the R, was prepared to shove me into the other half of the duplex and have OW over--don't think they were thinking of living together at the time, but she would be here enough.

And I swear to all of you here, X was always known as the nicest, sweetest guy ever. How love/lust changes us!"

Yeah I know. Don't know if you saw on my thread how H was pushing hard to talk about D - on OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!! Let's see, the yr. before we were in DC celebrating our 10th anniv. What an incredible difference. More than almost anything, that complete disregard for my feelings has broken my heart most of all.

So enough about me. Ask away if I didn't answer something! So how did L meeting go today? Sorry I am bouncing from between your last 2 posts so my comments may not be in order!

"I hate hate hate that I have to go out swinging so hard and get so nasty so fast. NOT because I am "afraid" to drive him away. If I rolled over and said, "here, honey, here's the house, no worries", he wouldn't fall back in love with me instantly. Not that I want, expect, or even imagine that anymore."

I know, I know. But don't think about it as getting nasty. Think of it as self-preservation. You are NOT operating out of fear, you are doing what YOU need to do to protect yourself! You need to be in full protect yourself mode. Mentally, physically, financially, and legally. B/C your x is not thinking about your well being now. This was the hardest thing for me - to put aside my emotional turmoil & being forced to deal w the business/legal stuff. I remember walking to my 1st L appt. in August, sobbing the whole way there. It got better w ea. L I talked to though.

So I know this is incredibly hard but keep that in front of your mind: I will protect myself in every way. You seem like a pretty strong independent gal from what I've read so I know under normal circumstances you'd be doing this in your sleep. But these are NOT NORMAL circumstances as you well know. So we have to talk ourselves through the trauma.

"Realized: it will go to court. The judge will decide one way or the other.
Question to sort out: What do I want to do with my life, time,future?
I'm only fighting for the house to
a) keep him from moving her in
b) give me some stability while I sort out what I want to do
c) the principle of it!"
Sounds like you are getting clearer & clearer on what you want, & why. This is good!!

The only thing about #1, is IF & this is worst case scenario, IF he gets house, I think it would be good to have a plan for what you will do. #1 is something that IF the courts make a mockery of justice & give house to him, you don't have control over what he'll do.

Coach or Puppy or someone once said, imagine the worst case scenario, and plan how you'd get through it. Once you know you can handle anything, fear begins to go away. I know you've been thinking a lot about this, & so to avoid obsessing, just give yourself a set time to think about it, so you're not thinking of it all the time. You were tossing some ideas around earlier, nursing school was it? A move to Vancouver?

Remember, you have time! All this legal stuff is going to take some time. With this time, you can think about your dreams & hopes in a way that's not driven by panic. (Believe me, I still have it too sometimes). It's always easier to look at someone else's sitch & be able to see options than it is in my own. I think that's the beauty of this board.

Aver, I hope at least some of this rambling is helpful. I'll keep checking in on you. Stay strong my friend. ((((Aver)))))

[flowmom]

My friend last night pointed out that X isn't having to deal with any of the "death" involved in this. I am facing the death of the R, the death of my living space, the death of my place in town. If he gets the house, he does not have to face the loss of anything.

Death is a blessing, because it makes room for (re-)birth.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Good point Flowmom. Thanks. Sending an SOS. Just got an email from H, again it went in spam, it's from Monday. He is saying he'll do the taxes, can I get my stuff together etc.

Then, he says he'd like to get together and talk, can we meet this weekend? Should I ask him about what? If it's S stuff, Ls should handle. What if it's about something else. Any advice appreciated! Thanks!!

[hhh]

Dear LFA,
Just checking in and saying hello and thinking of you Thanks for all of your kind words on my sitch last week. I'll let other chime in but my thoughts are that I'd probably agree to meet, but perhaps say something along lines of "Saturday works. Anything urgent you'd like to discuss?" So you're not caught off guard and you're setting time/place (if you want to). I too may be meeting w H this weekend (his idea) so I'm right there with you! Sending love, you can do this, hhh

[pearlharbr]

Got your SOS. First thing, deep breaths.

Good thing it went to the spam folder, that way you didn't have the temptation to respond immediately.

Ok, you do need to take care of the business stuff. Do you want to see him in person? I know that I had no desire to see BF at all so we handled all the business stuff via email.

Options are:
1. agree to meet this weekend
2. agree to meet at some other time
3. mail him copies of tax info and stick to virtual communication

Me, I'm a hard ass. I would reply to his email saying Sorry, I just saw your message in the spam folder. I will get copies of tax info to you by X and I would appreciate copies of the return by X. Let me know if you need anything else.

Then if he responds by saying he wants to talk you can tell him. I prefer to have anything regarding the separation handled by the attorneys. And as long as you are involved in an affair there is nothing personal to discuss.

Like I said, that's just me and what I did. If you want to meet up with him to give him a taste of what he's missing I think that could be good too, as long as you know that you can keep your emotions in check (I couldn't). In that case you can agree to meet this weekend but you only have time available at X due to other plans. Or better yet, you're already booked up this weekend but you're free at X next weekend.

[LookingFrAnswers]

H, Pearl, thanks guys for replying so fast! H, I know you've been grappling w this issue. Thanks for your input. I agree I need to ask what this is about before going.

Pearl, like you I really don't want to see H. It just hurts too much. And, since we both have Ls, what could he possibly want to talk to me about? So I like your example. I'm NOT a hard a$$, so I really appreciate your viewpoint. THAT would be a huge 180 for me.

When I agreed to meet in Nov., I think I did a pretty good job of holding my own, keeping upbeat, trying to look good & act calm. But I fell apart afterward. 3 mos. later, have I progressed past this? My reaction to this email tells me I haven't. Guess I'll find out what the heck it is he wants. And see if I can pull off the h.a. 180. Thanks my friends! I'll update you. And I'll check in on you both soon. ((((H)))) (((((Pearl))))))

[Coach]

So I like your example. I'm NOT a hard a$$, so I really appreciate your viewpoint. THAT would be a huge 180 for me.

View it as being assertive, confident and taking care of business. I agree this would be a great 180 for you and it is attractive. You can handle it.

[avermont]

LFA.

I'm on iPhone right now. Will respond more when I am back at computer

(((LFA)))

[LookingFrAnswers]

[/quote]

View it as being assertive, confident and taking care of business. I agree this would be a great 180 for you and it is attractive. You can handle it. [/quote]

Thanks Coach! That's a great way to look at it. I really respect your opinion, thanks so much for stopping in.