I can't answer your questions just from a "philosophical" standpoint. If it were me, and my wife had accused me of that (and I do remember your sitch, and I happen to disagree with her sincerity about how "traumatized" she claims to be), I wouldn't come within ten feet of her until she had either recanted the charges, or we had had some SERIOUS joint counseling with a qualified counselor to help us come to some sort of resolution on the issue.
Your wife seems to use sex as a weapon, both defensively and offensively. I think there are deeper issues there than "to DB or not to DB."
