#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

I've made an appt with the expensive IC. I'm feeling really mad at H right now and I've decided that I'm not just doing billable work to pay for him to have his own apartment and life separate from our family. I am going to use our family resources to help myself and get to a place where I can deal with the reality of divorce and all the horrifying negotiations about custody and finances. The expensive IC has won many awards for his work, and has the recommendation of MWD herself. Maybe if I had done this a year ago, I wouldn't be in this awful place.

My H separated ten months ago. His anger is just starting to die down. I say this to let you know you may not get any reaction from him at all for quite a while.

It really helps to hear that from someone who is piecing. To know that things can shift once a lot of time has passed. I admire you so much for DBing that long.

Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard.

Yes, CG is getting a good workout from 2x4ing me about that. I think I need to make the connection that when I am thinking about him, I am neglecting myself. I am having trouble untangling the interdependence and maybe even the enmeshment of our lives. I know that being enmeshed with someone means avoiding one's own issues. And I have those. I hope that IC can help me with identifying the work that I need to do live my own life, for myself.

BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.

You know, I think that is good advice for me. H is super reactive and I don't think that he can hear anything from me.

Thanks so much for the replies, each and every one. I don't have any friends who have been through this, so your input means a lot to me.