#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[Butterfly1]

My H separated ten months ago. His anger is just starting to die down. I say this to let you know you may not get any reaction from him at all for quite a while. Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard. BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.

Going dark is for YOU, and not to get a reaction out of HIM. It's like building a little safety cuccoon around yourself. It's like hiding in a trench while the battle ensues overhead. Just wait it out, it sucks, but his ammo will be weakened when he can't hit the target - you. Keep walking away and calming yourself. DOn't y to get him to hear you. There will be time for that later. (Look at me - ten months later!)

And go to that IC. Even a free one is better than none. I pay $100 and it's more than I can afford, but it's worth it. Interview the free ones - try to find the gem. There are good and bad ICs in every price range IMO.

[flowmom]

I've made an appt with the expensive IC. I'm feeling really mad at H right now and I've decided that I'm not just doing billable work to pay for him to have his own apartment and life separate from our family. I am going to use our family resources to help myself and get to a place where I can deal with the reality of divorce and all the horrifying negotiations about custody and finances. The expensive IC has won many awards for his work, and has the recommendation of MWD herself. Maybe if I had done this a year ago, I wouldn't be in this awful place.

My H separated ten months ago. His anger is just starting to die down. I say this to let you know you may not get any reaction from him at all for quite a while.

It really helps to hear that from someone who is piecing. To know that things can shift once a lot of time has passed. I admire you so much for DBing that long.

Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard.

Yes, CG is getting a good workout from 2x4ing me about that. I think I need to make the connection that when I am thinking about him, I am neglecting myself. I am having trouble untangling the interdependence and maybe even the enmeshment of our lives. I know that being enmeshed with someone means avoiding one's own issues. And I have those. I hope that IC can help me with identifying the work that I need to do live my own life, for myself.

BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.

You know, I think that is good advice for me. H is super reactive and I don't think that he can hear anything from me.

Thanks so much for the replies, each and every one. I don't have any friends who have been through this, so your input means a lot to me.

[CityGirl]

Yes, when you are thinking about your H you are neglecting yourself AND you are wasting precious energy on something you cannot control or change (your H).

You have mentioned several times that I am constantly 2x4'ing you. My intent is not to hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are wrong. You have lots of personal power and I would very much like it if you didn't take as long as I did to realize it. Is there a way I can better support you so you don't feel I am here to simply 2x4 you?

[flowmom]

You have mentioned several times that I am constantly 2x4'ing you. My intent is not to hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are wrong. You have lots of personal power and I would very much like it if you didn't take as long as I did to realize it. Is there a way I can better support you so you don't feel I am here to simply 2x4 you?

Sorry if my comments didn't come off as joking, as was my intention. I guess I feel some discomfort at being challenged (hence the joking), but I also need and welcome the feedback. I do feel supported by the comments from you and others. I'm here to make changes and that's not always comfortable.

[CityGirl]

Thanks for the clarification.

Being challenged is never easy, I can really relate!

Making changes can be very uncomfortable BUT once you do make changes you will find a sense of comfort that you did not feel could exist before.

You are a strong woman but I think you know that already. Even the strongest ladies need some help from their friends from time to time.

Don't forget all the good things you have accomplished thus far!

I am a hard ass, I know My life was horrid for a long time until I learned to be a hard ass with MYSELF! You are doing great!

[flowmom]

I think I might be having a panic attack. My heart is pounding and I'm having trouble getting my breath. I emailed H 2 hours ago to ask him to confirm that we are in agreement that S will be homeschooled this fall because I need to start paperwork for Special Education funding. No reply yet. Freaking.

[trytryagain]

yikes! are you in panic mode because there's been no response yet, or just in general?? when do you have to have that paperwork in for your son's homeschooling? have you tried doing some meditative breathing to try and calm your heart? i've never had a full blown panic attack, so i can't say i know how you feel...but i am sorry you're feeling that way!

i haven't heard from my H all day and i emailed him in response to an email he sent me yesterday. i was just thinking about throwing myself a pity party.

breathe deep!

[flowmom]

There no emergency on the paperwork, but I do need to get the ball rolling on this and I realized that I need H's buy-in before I start the process. My greatest fear right now is that H will block me on homeschooling so I'm basically forcing the issue by asking him this.

[trytryagain]

has he been opposed to homeschooling in the past? why would he block or prevent you from doing this?

[flowmom]

has he been opposed to homeschooling in the past? why would he block or prevent you from doing this?

H has always been enthusiastic about homeschooling. But homeschooling means a LOT of childcare, making it harder for H to do and get 50% custody (50% custody = no child support), and making it hard for me to earn an income. He may be gunning for 50% custody so he can "get on with his life" without having any financial responsibility toward me, and justifying it to himself that "it's better for S".