A Choice

[patpat]

Hey Deep.... I guess I should explain W pursuing.....

It started when I thought I had finally had enough about three weeks ago.... I had been treating my W just as she had been treating me.... exactly!

This got her attention. Awhile back I actually thought W was DB'ing me because her LRT was so dammmmmm good.

Things got really quiet for a while. No contact was no contact. I am a mouth by nature....talk alot, center of the party most places and W knows I can not keep mouth shut to save a life. She started to call. I was short, business like and ended first leaving her to think I was extremely busy.

This also bothered her as I am somewhat of a home body.

W's crap got thick and I acted as if... and then just by chance found myself just not wanting this anymore... this the pain, this the wait, this the fear of her coming home and the could I really forgive.... I had just had enough.

I answered the phone one day and was initially short than asked her how she was.... she told me she would like to put our D on hold. I asked why. She said, she needed more time to figure us out and to see if the OM was really what she wanted.

This just got under my skin. I said to her (because I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
pissed yet in a calm voice.... I sure hope he is what you want because he is all you have right now. I WANT A D!

She started questioning why.... as if she did not already know.
I just realized that my life is not [censored]. I told her that. I told her that her life was [censored] and she stepped into it big time.... Good luck with that and hung up....

I went back to GAL'ing and that is how it has begun.

I don't journal much because I really can not type. This is taking me a long time....

But W has just shown up places where I am. Stating she wants to come home. Would consider counciling etc.... but I did not think she was real so I ignore.

I started telling her how good the OM was for her.... and telling her that since he is a younger man (and W has health problems) and that he will be stronger as she ages to carry and care for her. That after he gets to know her as I do over time.... he will truely have the opportunity to love everything that she has been hiding from him. This I think scares wife. Wcalls more often, states she thinks about us all the time. OM is no longer in her apartment.

I had dinner and went to a Christian concert with a friend.... opposite sex and W found out. Got very upset, telling me I was a married man and should not be out with other women. Tried to move back in, I was moving out. S18 told her that he did not want her back in the house.

W tring to fix herself... now in C, IC - wants to go to M workshops etc.... follows around, drives by house etc.... she is heading for a crash and that is what I need.

Sh!t.... I even ran into the OM the other day and he asked me for help... that she was becoming distant and talks about her relationship with me. OM has moved from honey to friend to out of the apartment and W is trying hard. I talk to her daily now.... she talks about R, so do I.... very constructive.

We have been able to back up 2 years of hurt on both parts, but agree that all started with her drug addiction. She apologizes.

Me.... Boundaries. W can give up OM. Me.... Boundaries..... W is having a hard time giving up our best friends of the last 15 years. These folks (our so called friends) let my W sleep with OM in their house. They (our friends) are a source and constent reminder of the pain I have been feeling. I do not want them in my life. I will not have that. She wants to keep them as friends. Can't reconcile this way. her sister and mother.... [censored] is deep. They too have allow this behavior. Me.... Boundaries. I do not want nor will I accept mother or sister in MY LIFE. W needs to choose. She thinks I am unfair. I told her she damaged these relationships when she chose OM and went 100% public with A. Now, she does not want it. What has changed for her, why does she want to come home... and if she wanted it that badly, she would agree to my boundaries and maybe over time... friendships and family would begin to heal.

But for now.... I am moving on and that is where I am at. Don't carry a pic of W anymore, she is in my face daily. That is the pursuit I speak of and there is also more but fingers going numb ( only use 2 to type ya know.... I suck at puters).

I do not want to D. I want and choose my M. But W need to prove to me that she does also. She needs to meet my conditions and then we can talk the hard walk. We can do this I know. I love my MIL and SIL very much. We were all very close. But these relationship aere going to take time to heal. This will not come until after MR has reconciled. W does not understand, as I believe she is not serious about what she thinks ahe wants.....

I am preparing for the end (death of the M). I am ok with this. I want W back. But I will not be the doormat.

And I got time. Hell, I am Gal'ing having fun, living and laughing.... sometimes even with W. It is a long road (as all here have stated) and either way, whatever the end result... sad as it often seems.... I am fine!

She is pursuing and I like it. I think it is helping her to come back. She slowly is becoming the girl I met many years ago. Back then, she would have disregarded everyone just to be in the same room with me. It will in time, maybe, get there again.

It is not control for me. Just me knowing how I want this to come about. She knows what she needs to do. She needs to win my heart; after it heals. To prove herself commited to the R and the hard work it will take to fix. And to set boundaries for herself and respect mine. When this happens, we will be fine and on the road to healing our M....

Thats it I think....


Thanks Deep...