My H separated ten months ago. His anger is just starting to die down. I say this to let you know you may not get any reaction from him at all for quite a while. Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard. BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.
Going dark is for YOU, and not to get a reaction out of HIM. It's like building a little safety cuccoon around yourself. It's like hiding in a trench while the battle ensues overhead. Just wait it out, it sucks, but his ammo will be weakened when he can't hit the target - you. Keep walking away and calming yourself. DOn't y to get him to hear you. There will be time for that later. (Look at me - ten months later!)
And go to that IC. Even a free one is better than none. I pay $100 and it's more than I can afford, but it's worth it. Interview the free ones - try to find the gem. There are good and bad ICs in every price range IMO.
