#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[motherof3]

Hi Flowmom -

I am a silent reader on your thread. But decided to chime in.

IMO - You get what you pay for.

Mo3

[rr22]

He IS, as you say, treating you like a piece of s--- on the bottom of his shoe. You are right about that. That's why you have to try to avoid him as much as possible and keep it light and pleasant until he cools down. Mine grumbles about money constantly. They do not realize or care that it hurts your feelings. They only see their own stress. Especially if they are depressed. If you ever make it back to MC, you can bring up these issues. If he's verbally abusive, draw the line in the sand. Otherwise it is best to ignore the moanings and groanings even though they hurt a lot. Lost Rabbit and Hope4Luv have a lot of information about depression and anxiety related moaning and groaning and rudeness on their threads. Good luck. Just shorten the contact when he acts too terribly. They get the message that they have to act civil or have no contact.

[rr22]

He is either trying to bait you or stuck reliving the pattern of your old relationship. You are moving to a new relationship. Either a better one with him or one alone. You never have to "go there" with him again. It's your choice. He can stomp his foot and go there alone.

[rr22]

Are you phoning him? I noticed that you want him to stop avoiding you. Stop phoning him if you are phoning him and it could help in the long run. Perhaps you are giving him the opportunity to avoid you and getting your feelings hurt.

Minimize the necessary communication about the kids. Do it by email when possible.

[flowmom]

He IS, as you say, treating you like a piece of s--- on the bottom of his shoe. You are right about that. That's why you have to try to avoid him as much as possible and keep it light and pleasant until he cools down.

Yeah, I've been doing that. I think it really just got to me that day. I think he might have worked himself up about the bed issue (and got grumpy as a result), which he addressed yesterday by taking our bed and giving me a new one. That's a pattern: he has to get really worked up and grumpy in order to ask for what he wants in this R.

Mine grumbles about money constantly. They do not realize or care that it hurts your feelings. They only see their own stress.

I'm sorry you're going through that too. I see what you mean. I hate being financially dependent on H. It's been a huge trust issue to be in this situation (due to parenting responsibilities and choices) and my trust has been violated (ie I never would have allowed myself to become financially dependent if I thought that our M was on such shaky ground).

If he's verbally abusive, draw the line in the sand.

He's not verbally abusive and I believe that he's trying as hard as he can to behave properly around me (for the kids). But he's always stressed and sleep-deprived (and has been for years) so the impulse control isn't always there.

Lost Rabbit and Hope4Luv have a lot of information about depression and anxiety related moaning and groaning and rudeness on their threads.

Thanks, I will check their threads out. It's hard to find/keep track of everyone's thread though!

Are you phoning him?

I never phone him. I email him about parenting issues only, and I try to limit that too.

I noticed that you want him to stop avoiding you.

I just think it wouldn't kill him to occasionally say something to me that isn't strictly necessary. There's a certain grim-ness in our interactions, and my efforts to be cheerful and lighten things are really hard going. I want our children to see us as friends, at least.

[CityGirl]

You really must stop putting so much focus on your H. Plain and simple. Every post you make is all about your H, his issues, his problems and why you feel he behaves a certain way.

If he is stressed, financially crippled, sleep deprived or any other "thing" there isn't a thing you can do about it nor should you try.

You must drop ALL expectations you have with your H. You are correct, it most probably would not kill him to say something nice to you but chances are at this time he will not. He is stuck in his own bubble of issues, confusion and a host of other things you may not even know about (or ever know about).

If you hate being financially dependant on your H then change it. You have options... initiate legalities to dissolve your marriage and see what sort of support he will be required to provide for you and the children OR go back to work full time and provide for yourself OR accept it without hate or the "what ifs".

While you might feel furniture is just a "thing" I would really suggest you adjust your mindset. I agree that fighting over certain things (furniture) is not worth it you are under no obligation to consent to the removal of items from the marital home in order to make your H more comfortable in his bachelor pad. If your H was able to purchase you a bed in order to take the bed the two of you own then he could have easily purchased his own bed. I certainly would not be so accommodating to him. And, I would highly suggest you NOT refer to any jointly owned property as "thing" in e-mail or verbally to your H. Should you divorce that may come back to bite you when you divide things up.

IMO you are still accommodating your H's issues but you are simply doing it another way. Stop. No matter what you do you can't make his issues go away and it blocks you from addressing your own issues and future.

[flowmom]

So it's been one month since H moved out. The reality is very gradually sinking in that our M will likely end in D . I feel so helpless and sad. I miss H so much and I miss the cozy circle of our family life.

My GAL goals for the next month:

• spending more time doing billable work in my available time
• get a doctor's appointment to find out if I have ADHD (I've self-diagnosed inattentive ADHD...it's been a major marriage issue and cause of procrastination and low earning)
• attend 2 social events in the evening
• continue with weight maintenance/loss
• start doing some exercise
• spend more time in nature with my children
• do The Work regularly
• identify goals for IC
• find a good IC
• find a good L and get an initial consult
• continue to work on S's diagnosis process

I feel exhausted writing that out.

[CityGirl]

That is a very good initial list. Now you need to break down each bullet point with very specific particulars to hold yourself accountable.

How will you create available time to up your billable hours? How many hours per week are you striving to create to focus on increasing your income?

How do you plan to continue weight loss and exercise? What exercises will you do and when?

What specific activities will you do with your children in nature? When will you do these things?

What resources will you use to find a good C and good L? What resources will you use for your son?

While this seems nit picky I feel it is essential for ALL of us to really breakdown each goal with specific actions and time frames. It helps with the exhaustion and feeling of being overwhelmed. And it will give you a very goo sense of control in your own life along with keeping you focused on you and not your H.

[CityGirl]

I also wanted to add that it is a real slap in the face when reality sets in. Feel what you need to feel. Grieving is an essential part of this process and IMO a very necessary one.

It is okay to miss your H and the family life the two of you once shared. You are a human being, not a robot!

You are NOT helpless though. You are helping yourself therefore you may *feel* helpless but you certainly are not. It is very important you remember that.

In one month you have adjusted to being a single parent with flying colors, took proactive steps to increase your income, began socially networking to help rediscover business contacts and help yourself GAL as an ADULT (not a mom or wife), have been paramount in the diagnosis for your son AND realized where you need to focus your attention (setting boundaries, detaching and all that good stuff). Not bad for a mere 5 weeks!

[rr22]

FM SAID: I'm sorry you're going through that too. I see what you mean. I hate being financially dependent on H. It's been a huge trust issue to be in this situation (due to parenting responsibilities and choices) and my trust has been violated (ie I never would have allowed myself to become financially dependent if I thought that our M was on such shaky ground).


YES!!! THIS is what they don't get. The trust violation that has occurred in relation to the financial entanglement has HUGE consequences for the LBS.