flowmom - exactly! I reread some of my old journals and I kept saying "Why should I listen to him when he doesn't listen to me? Why should I own my own bad behavior when he won't look at his?"
I've been working on this a lot. I can only be responsible for my own behavior, not H's. If he doesn't reciprocate, then I have choices to keep trying or leave. But I'm trying really hard to listen to him, while at the same time in MC trying to be heard. I'm doing ok with the listening, not so much with the being heard. I have to acknowledge how much it hurts to be dismissed, but not demand to be heard. When I do the things you are describing above, I still don't get my need to be heard met. I had to realize that. So the MC is helping me stand up for myself with calm, clarity and persistence, and it's very hard.
I guess we can just see their defensiveness not as an attack on us, but as their own issues. It's tough when we have felt deprived of respect for so many years. But if they're not listening, we have to stop what we're doing to try to "get them" to listen. We can't make them.
Am I still piecing even though we don't live together? Seems like most people on piecing are living together and have more of a commitment. H is at the "on the fence" stage and working in MC with me...but no commitment yet. I put myself here because I do feel he and I are trying to work on our R, even if we end up not making it ...
