My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

[nsw1222]

Thank you for responding CityGirl...and for being open and honest.

You have not even mastered the basic skill set of validation, listening, no pursuit and setting boundaries. You are still highly reactive.

I've heard of validation before...what exactly is that?

You are furious your WAS is being so resistant. In a way you are doing the same thing. You are being resistant to the only path available to you to create a better man, parent and life.

I am furious at her...and I am being resistant.

Detaching from your WAS and being a good co-parent are two very different things. No matter what, you need to detach from your WAS and your old marriage. That does not mean you cannot co-parent with your W. The R of co-parent and spouse are very different.

I guess I'm confused then...what exactly does co-parenting involve? What are the limits of co-parenting that I can enforce to protect myself emotionally? I would like to be a good co-parent to my daughter without enabling my ex to cake eat or ease any guilt about what she did to me and our family. After the way last week turned out I refuse to do any sort of family events with my ex if its going beyond being a co-parent.

You must remove your W from the equation. Until you do you will spinning and spinning and your life will become a stagnant cycle of anger, hurt, frustration and pain.

I actually met with my IC today and we discussed some of this. I told him that I couldnt keep doing this...crying, blaming, hurting, etc. I said that in 3 months time if I was still like this it would be unbearable.

He suggested two options. The first I rejected because it was pursuing and would be ultimately be building false hope...it was what I had already came up with of spending time with her (as a family) and being there for her as a friend and whatnot in an attempt to let her de-villainize me/see me as the better option.

The other which I think all of you would agree is what my only true option is, is just to stay busy (GAL) and only have interaction with my ex when she comes to pick up or drop off our daughter or if theres a medical issue. No chit-chat or anything.

For the past day or so I've pretty much done that. It was a little hard and I'm still not sure I'm not being an ass...as I have a hard time looking at my ex when she or I are saying anything, if I say anything. Maybe that will get better with time but for now just looking at her knowing what happend and what is happening disgusts me and makes me angry.

It was interesting...my IC brought up that when I went over to my ex's last friday night, and she gave that big speech about how "i might have had a chance but after what I did I blew it" is a lot like a parent disciplining a child who's acting up. The parent might say "well I was gonna buy you this toy, but since you've been so bad you're not getting it now." And while I cant know what my ex is thinking...or believe anything she will ever admit to given all the lies and deception, that might be how she sees this situation: She's punishing me for what she didnt like about our relationship. Meanwhile...I wasnt made aware that she really was unhappy until she left...and even though I was willing to do whatever it took on my part then to fix things...she didnt want to do any of the work on her part to fix it...she just chose the easy way out.

So now its just me...working on me...hoping to find some peace.