Is there hope?

[jasper67]

Just got a text from W
"How r u?"
Very nice...I think I'll have her wait on this one...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DON'T ANSWER IT RIGHT AWAY.

Sometime this afternoon, reply with "Sorry, just saw this. Busy day! I'm great, thanks."

Puppy

[talia]

Maynard,
I'm just catching up with your sitch... I've seen some of you on other posts. Your getting the hang of this... Keep it up!! You've got great help here...

Talia

[jasper67]

Thanks Talia- it def helps looking in on other sitches- they are all so similar!!!

[chatterbug]

maynard. When you are in contact with GF. Make sure you speak to her in concept terms. Not actual actions that you are taking. You have to remember that she is in a state just like you. Anything that you do not want slipped out to your wife do not mention to her. She needs to fight her battle with her best interest in mind. Do not attempt to save both relationships. Only work on destroying the affair. Then you can attempt to work on the R.

I would keep these conversations to squeezing the Affair and grinding it to the light. You both have your own R's and remember that your goals may not always match hers. Think of you as Commonwealth nations and her as USSR. Its WW2. An uneasy alliance to attack Germany and Japan. ( I would have used USA instead of the Commonwealth nations but we gotta educate you Americans about ww2 ... )

Good to see you getting out to visit your neighbours. And I thank you again for offering your advice and questions to me. I respect your thoughts.

[Ready2Change]

DON'T ANSWER IT RIGHT AWAY.

Sometime this afternoon, reply with "Sorry, just saw this. Busy day! I'm great, thanks."

Puppy

Very wise advise.

It is very important to always delay your response. It is also important to keep it short and positive. It is also important to keep it vague. I would also consider leaving out the "Sorry, just saw this". No need to apologize or explain.

"Fantastic! TTYL"

[jasper67]

I give people credit for doing the best they can for so long. I find myself wondering if I even want to have this thing lingering anymore.
I know that if I detatch correctly, this thing won't matter, as I will be going on w/ my life w/o a care of my M's fate.
Maybe it's just the thought of W or whatever, but I feel hooked again here for the moment- my selfishness of wanting what I want

[OnceBurdened]

OM GF and I are in contact almost daily. It's funny that I actually give her advice on her R w/ OM. Letting her know what I've learned about boundaries, etc, etc.
She gave me some insight of OM. They met when she was involved w/ someone. She started to have doubts about her R- OM was there to listen and validate- assuring her that she deserved better...sound familiar?

Sounds real familiar to my sitch. I'm careful with the info derivered from OMW in my case and I'd advise you to do the same.

She is a great source of info for you but remember she is a liar and a cheater also. That skews her truth and outlook. I am in same sitch and I try to help OMW as much as possible- also- but just don't take her word to the bank.

I am feeling pretty good about things- I can visualize the end of the M, I can feel it as well. It's funny- I was developing a bit of an EA w/ a previous gf in GA- I nixed that the other day, letting her know I don't want to involve her in my issues and it's not fair to anyone. I'll tell you though, it did numb the pain talking to her, but it feels even better to do the right thing.
I actually feel OK by myself and w/ myself.

There are mixed feelings on the dating/relationship front as it pertains to the LBS. Although I started out against it the fact remained that my W was in the midst of a full blown PA with a buddy of mine. So what was I going to do that was so wrong by talking to OW?

Now I said - Talking. I do not feel generic talk about your life with someone else is an EA.I found that generic "She has chosen to do some things that I don't agree with" comments concerning my M status were good for me.Any further inquiries were met with a change of subject or "i don't wanna talk about it". The main thing I was doing, and I would also suggest to you, is to get out there and meet people and YES it will involve the opposite sex. It is invigorating, reinforcing, and can boost your ego. What is wrong with that?

YOU know when you cross a line. Sounds like you knew it and didn't. I think your doing fine.

Remember DBing isn't just about busting the divorce, it's about busting out of the ways that may have contributed to a divorce and becoming a better person in and out of all life's relationships.I have never seen any one suggest that you can change the other person. All you can do is change you. Than maybe by doing that the WAS will change their mind. Then it's up to you again.

By the way - You say you can visualize the end of the M. Is that what YOU want?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would also consider leaving out the "Sorry, just saw this". No need to apologize or explain.

I include that for two reasons. One, just as a general courtesy, the way one would say "please," "thank you," or "I'm sorry; that certainly wasn't my intention." Not to convey some real sense of REMORSE.

The other reason is to reinforce the "I'm just super busy" part.

Puppy

[OnceBurdened]

I give people credit for doing the best they can for so long. I find myself wondering if I even want to have this thing lingering anymore.

Have you read DB or DR. These are the thought's that need to have the STOP sign image burnt into your brain. That is if you want to save your marriage.Did you make a list of goals and boundaries?

I know that if I detatch correctly, this thing won't matter, as I will be going on w/ my life w/o a care of my M's fate.
Maybe it's just the thought of W or whatever, but I feel hooked again here for the moment- my selfishness of wanting what I want

I detached too far. It can be dangerous territory for sure, took a few weeks to get back, I mean everyday trying to get back. But it was never about not caring for my M's fate. It was because I stopped overemphasizing the status of my M. Make sense?

It ain't a marriage right now is it? It's a piece of paper, a marriage is not what you have right now. So do not obsess over it, don't talk about it, etc... It's tough but you can do it -Work on you.

You are doing better than I did and I give you props. It took me 15pgs or so into my first thread to Really " GET IT".