It's the first I love you I got. So far was in another email:dont think I dont love you.
I am not sure if it is true though. Because not being able to let go, is not the same with wanting to be with someone because you love them. Feeling in love with someone else for too long and trying to make this work, made me wonder the same thing about myself. Love is a decision. Maybe I have become a cold person, maybe I am just tired.
The truth is, there is a huge difference to what I have been telling him and what he hears/believes. I never honestly thought he is not CAPABLE of giving me what I want, most of it at least. I am hurt and disappointed he chooses not to. He feels I am confident he cant. I say, feel, he wont.
That letter made me cry mish. For a man as I have described him, that doesnt talk about his feelings, saying he feels that life is slipping away from him, that he is useless and an a$$hole for not being able to offer me what I need, saying that he loves me, did affect me.
The letter has no sign of defensiveness as he showed the last week or so. It is a surrender letter. He surrenders. To the end. To whatever I say that is.
Yes, again he throws it back at me. I was tempted to answer back immediately :if that's what you choose, it is fine by me. I didnt. He feels I am so cold and misses a BIG part of my personality and psyche:how damn "soft" I am, how emotional intensely I live my life. The last couple of years, a couple of times, I had noticed he believed I am strong and confused that with cold/hard/killer. That is as far form the truth as it can get. But it is also true, I rarely let him see that part of me because...guess what...I was protecting him from my emotions. A vicious circle. I think the first time he saw me cry was when he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was always in control...
He misses the fact that when I get upset and insist on what I need it is because he has given it to me before. I know he could. He wanted "a clean cut". He needed me to be strong and put this back together, I am the strong one, the one that is so realistic (btw, I live in my fantasy life), he was ready to follow, not to lead or at least contribute 50% to the process of healing. Because I need healing.
I dont know what to do. I am wondering if I should push harder, stick to my guns without the slightest hesitation or just open my arms to him and guide him to my heart again.
Leap of faith? Falling for a trick? Being fooled again? Who knows? I sure dont.
