I have said this before.. make sure you have some EVIDENCE... your say so that you saw a kiss isn't enough.
Your husband is as predicted in denial phase... you need to collect emails, phne calls, get friends to follow them.. HIRE a private investigator if you have to.
The problem is now that you confronted him, he knows you're watching so he will be extra careful.
We all know he's lying about the "friend kiss", but that's not going to wash.
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You need to stop trying to do Family Therapy with him. By this I mean, if you challenge him about staying away from OW, its NOT going to work, he's going to just challenge you as being controlling.
if a FT tells him to do it, it will carry a LOT more weight.
Did you buy those books yet?
As far as being controlling, that's just a cop out in my opinion. Control is good thing, the opposite is OUT of control which is the state of many marriages... keeping them IN control would keep them from ending up in divorce.
In my opinion NOT enough control is put into a marriage which is why they end up in the gutter... This "You're too controlling" thing is just BS... don't accept that.
Spouses having affairs play that
"you're too controlling"
card all the time. What they MEAN is
I want the perrogative to come and go as I please and do whtatever I want in secret, even if it does damage to your marriage and your self-esteem.
Accusing a spouse as being too controlling is equivalent of someone demanding more freedom passive-aggressively.
I would tell him "Don't try that passive-aggressive finger-pointing on me please" it's not constructive.
If a family is in trouble they attend Family Therapy. It may take several sessions to find a FT who works for everyone in the family, but its the most constructive route. Finger pointing just does DAMAGE.
Don't try to negotiate with him. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. We have warned you about him BAITNG you into arguments. He's USING the bait to PROOVE to himself that his hopelessness is well founded.
His thinking goes along these lines :
1. I feel hopeless. I should give up on my marriage 2. My wife doen'st agree and wants to work on our marriage. 3. I will tell her what I think and she will criticize me. <you let him bait you into an argument - this is the point for you to break the cycle> 4. I feel criticized and want out.
This CYCLE will go on endlessly until YOU break it.
You ned to STOP letting him TEST you. He's expecting an argument. When you give him one he gets what he wants... a REASON to keep having an AFFAIR. Stop giving him what he wants and he will STOP CHEATING.
I am NOT teling you to be NICE. I am telling you to NOT argue. You can protest an affair without arguing with him. Ghandi drove BRITAIN out of INDIA without firing a shot.. but he PROTESTED to ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN. If Ghandi can get Britain out of India you can get this woman out of your home.
How do you protest without arguing ?
1. Collect proof of an affair 2. Go to Family Therapy ALONE 3. Expose the affair to friends and family 4. Expose the affair to OWH 5. Buy books on infidelity and leave them lying around the house.
NONE of this involves INTERACTING with your HUSBAND at ALL. But it sends a clear message to him that
1. You want your marriage healed 2. The OW is an interference 3. You will NOT tolerate an affair taking place in your marriage 4. You aren't a critical person (since you aren't attacking him at all)
THIS is how to fight an affair effectively. EXPOSURE and PROOF of infidelity.
Do NOT ENGAGE him in talk, he will bait you into being critical and validate his affair. It's a TRAP you keep falling for.
When you talk and be nice in order to proove to him you can fall in love again you are letting HIM LEAD the MARRIAGE repair efforts and he has NO IDEA HOW TO REPAIR A MARRIAGE
Would you let your auto mechanic repair your marriage? Of course not, he has no idea what he's doing. Do NOT let your Husband lead marriage repair efforts.
Tell him outright. I am NOT going to interact with you while you are in contact with that woman. your contact with her is DISRESPECTFUL to me and our children. Do NOT CONTACT me. She is hurting YOU, ME, and YOUR CHILDREN.
Don't even give him an ultimatim. Just tell him he's hurting you and his children and go to Family Therapy without him.
Each time I hit this forum and you post you have talked to him again DON'T DO THAT! OKAY?
SHUT HIM OUT. Tell him he's hurting you by contacting the OW. Dont' even mention the affair. He's just going to bait you into arguing for proof of his infidelity. It's a TRAP.
You tell him he's having an affair He' denies it.
You argue a case to proove it. He rejects your claims
You BOTH end up MISERABLE and in conflict.
BREAK THE CYCLE - Dont' TALK to him.
Find an Intermediary who can handle him visiting the kids etc.
Get a GOOD Family Therapist and hand HIM her business card. THAT will show him
1. You want the marriage 2. You are seeking professional help not inexperienced people (ie OW) 3. You acknowledging you need to work too 4. Marriages CAN be repaired they are repaired all the time 5. There IS HOPE
All of this AGAIN is done withOUT interacting with him. Just HAND him the card with HER note on the back inviting him to make an appointment and LEAVE... or just LEAVE the card where he will find it and send him an email telling him you dropped off the card.
You need to STOP trying to FIX your marriage by TALKING to HIM. That will NOT REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE.
DON'T DO THAT! OKAY?