Looking for Advice

[sandi2]

Well, I feel that my going on about your W and the possibilites has added to your stress level and for that I am sorry b/c I know you have enough to worry about.

I would like to suggest that you speak to her about getting a complete battery of blood tests before you mention anything about seeing a IC. She will probably protest, but you can express your concern for her radical mood swings. You might even find better words to use rather than mood swing. That usually implies "hormones" and some women just resist the idea. But if you put the words IC and doctor in the same sentence, I think she will acuse you of trying to "fix" her. Know what I mean? There are many women who feel that way when their H's suggest that to them. Somebody who is better at wording things might be more help than I am.

I suppose she knows your friend is aware of the EA and can observe her?

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - good points.

And no you haven't added to my worries - my friend is the one who first brough it up to me today.

And no my W has NO IDEA and never can about my friend. She would go nuts. My friend pulled it out of me because he had seen too much for too long and knew we weren't donig well and saw a lot in me that he had been thru before. He is sworn to secrecy. I can't even imagine the rage if she ever found out he knew about the EA.

[sandi2]

Okay, that's good b/c I thought if she knew about him that she would just go deeper under cover with her A so that he didn't catch her. Well, that sounds better. Maybe you can feel a bit more hope knowing that she isn't trying to hide it from him, anyway.

[Lost Rabbit]

sandi when you have got a minute would appreciate your advice on setting a boundary with H

TIA

Rabbit

[Coach]

I don't think I could possibly ever see madder than when I told her no more contact with OM and she moved out of the bedroom for two days. But like you said, she did respond to firmness.

Her responding to a boundary, earns respect.

Not many LBH's have success with trying to get their WAW's to go to a doctor about hormones, but since she responds to your firmness with her.....it just might be worth a shot. What's she going to do.....get mad?

This is you trying to fix her, if she has a problem let her fix it.

[gutwrenching]

Coach - thanks for stopping by.

Updates - when it rains, it pours, thats kind of how I'm feeling about life today. No PMA, won't even try to fake it. Last night, W takes our dog back to vet, still not getting better. Learn he has cancer in leg and bone is broke there. W calls upset and we decide to wait a day to tell the kids. I get the kids fed, in bed, W not showing up back home. A few texts and I find out that she needs a few minutes on her own. She comes home, has herself collected, wall is up and she wants no support from me and doesn't want to give any support to me. A couple of times she starts crying again and I try to comfort her, and she says she is fine and then says please - as in please back off. All of that hurt - hurt because I needed someone and hurt because she did too - but she is so intent on showing/feeling nothing, that even the dog dieing doesn't phase her.

When she came home, she told me she just went to a parking lot and cried. She couldn't come home when the girls were still awake because she would have lost it and we had decided we were going to leave work early the next day and tell them. She then says to me you can even look at my phone if you want...which I ignored...I really don't know how to react to those statements when she thinks I am wondering about contact with OM and then says something like that.

Woke up still in down mood and my shoulder/neck really sore/tight certainly from the added stress. We worked out together and shoulder was really bothering me, W could tell, and seemed annoyed. I guess she thought I was putting on act. At one point she even asked (not nicely) if I needed her to massage the shoulder. Based on the tone of the voice, I said no.

When in the shower, she did leave her phone out, and for the first time in a while, I snooped. No evidence of any contact with OM back thru Sunday...of course there are ways to cover it. Only thing that caught my eye was something she had told me about last night...something about looking up your name on this slang website and seeing what your name means. Guess what, she looked up three names: herself, me, and OM. What does that mean, who knows, she still thinks about him, no surprise there.

I'm just down. We've had the dog for 11 years, we got him together before we even had kids, now he is in pain and needs to be put down. This is the first time we've had to do something like this with the girls, this is not fun. I've got a WAW, losing the dog now...just feels like everything I've known is being yanked out from under me.

Got to press on from this...just needed to get that out of my system.

[gutwrenching]

Now for the odd thing of the night...seems like there is always something. She told me that she had finished her book while at the vet. I made some small talk about how was it, seemed you really liked it, etc. Her response was that it made her think about her father a lot. I asked how is that, in what way. She started to answer, then stopped and asked me if I was going to read the book. Shocked, I said you told me the other day that you didn't think I'd like it when I commented that since it was downloaded that I might read it. She replied that maybe I would like it. Shocked again, it is a romance story more than anything and I had decided I wasn't going to read it and she has never ever suggested I read a romance novel in the past. So I said ok, I'll read it, it'll give us something to talk about/discuss. She gave me a weird look, I let her know I was serious, and then much more friendly body language.

[sandi2]

Sorry, GW, I know that a pet is like family. I had to have my dog put down after ten years and it was very emotional. When it's added to stress that you are already carrying around, it does hurt. Unfortunately, your WAW does not want you to comfort her and you are correct in how she probably sees your physical muscle problems. It is simply cold-heartedness on the part of a WAW. Seems like everything about their LBH turns them off. So, while you are suffering from the loss of your beloved pet and from your shoulder, I think it would be to your advantage to just leave her alone. It's hard, I know. My H would never turn to me in times of sorrow and so I know how it feels, but you learn how to cope.

Instead of thinking of everything that is going sour in life right now, try to focus on just getting through this day and you'll take tomorrow when it comes.

I've had to face some sad times, as I'm sure you have also, but I've learned that we do get through it.....and that better times will come. Don't give up, friend. You are stronger than you give yourself credit. BTW, you can let your feelings be know to us anytime.

Take care.

[CityGirl]

I am so very, very sorry to hear about your dog.

What work have you done on you?

Each post you make is all about your W, what she does, what she doesn't do, possible reasons for her action or lack of action, what she might or might not be thinking and what any sort of movement could indicate.

With all due respect it is nothing more than a tremendous waste of energy. IMO the more clues you search for the less you will find. Things become very clear when you take a step back.

[gutwrenching]

Citygirl
All valid points. I have worked on me. I am 10x the father I used to be and in fact shoulder most of the load, I have gotten over many insecurities in dealing with R and emotions and things like that, and I have read more than a handful of self-help, R, etc kinds of books. I would like to start IC to see what is the next step, but need to see if I am going to be moving in a few weeks or if I have some time left here.

Have I concentrated a lot on me lately - no not in the last few days to a week - other than reading.