Sheesh. Nuts. W apparently contacted her lawyer twice today - once to say, proceed with the court date, and again to say, no, hold off.
I was at the house tonight to watch the kids, and, she's a mess. Hasn't been sleeping. Saying that she's considered checking herself into a hospital. She's completely overwhelmed with the situation, saying she just wants to pull the trigger so that we're out of limbo. She can't function. She's forgetting to brush her teeth in the morning. (I actually know what that feels like...) Forgetting to wash her hair.
Says she doesn't care about what she feels anymore, she just wants to get out of this limbo hell, and if we're meant to be together, explore that after divorce.
She said that she feels so needy, that she can't set boundaries. And I'm still really the only one there for her.
Told her that we don't have to make any decisions while being so emotional, let's just take a break from it, for a day, a week, whatever. Things are fine now, things are going to be fine.
She said later, when she got home from the movie, that things seem clear to her and then she gets around me, and she's not so sure.
Crazy.
I'm kind of reaching the "why should I put up with this" point again. I did tell her, well, then, we need to do the work of coming up with a support agreement, move forward, all that jazz.
I'd say I'm tired of being jerked around, but it's more of the same. I'm actually feeling kind of numb to it.
The kids are commenting that mom is wigging out. I need to take them more.
I think your wife is headed for a nervous breakdown. She needs you but she doesn't want to need you. Women like her shouldn't have affairs. It's too hard to juggle. The fun isn't worth the pain. I have no solutions for you. She needs to figure out what she wants and go with it. You are certainly a nice guy to give her all this time.
Dear Bill, Just a thought - since this is route I'm going down-I was told you can do a S agrmt., which can be the basis for a dissolution (& maybe a D) -It spells out the terms for who lives where, finances etc. but if you decide to get back together can be voided. I THINK. Check with your L to see if this might be an option given your current sitch. It spells out the terms for who lives where, finances etc. Since your W seems uncertain about D, it may be a less "permanent" route while you both sort it out. But going from my memory, so ask your L.
I am sorry you're going through such a tough time. Wanted to send you my support & hugs. ((())))
Lotus - yeah, sometimes it seems that way. She's better today, having gotten some sleep. I've got the boys at the apartment tonight.
Not sure I've given her time - CA has 6 months mandatory period for divorce, and the lawyers haven't really done much.
LFA - that's more or less what we were talking about doing, but now that W said she wants out ASAP (and I really don't know which end of the spectrum she's going to stick to), not sure. Anyway, she asked if we can sit down on Sunday and work out specifics - the stuff the lawyers haven't done.
Thanks for the support. It's good to know you guys are out there.
I wish to spend more time on other threads here, but right now I have internet access at work, and picking up an unsecured connection in my apartment sitting on the bathroom floor - that's where I get it - and it's intermittent.
Just journaling. Dropped the boys off at the house this morning. Not a lot of interaction with W and I. She seemed to be doing OK. Told her I didn't want to wait until next week to see them again, and she agreed we could do something.
She wants to meet Sunday to talk about settlement stuff. I sent her an email today expressing concern about college money for the boys - if we're splitting up assets, this is likely going to end up as a downpayment for someone. Asked if she'd consider part of the support payment going into a college fund.
Have band practice tonight. Considering doing an open mic tomorrow night.
Told W I wanted to see the kids, so went over there for dinner last night. She ran an errand while I played Wii with them. I guess we're both slipping into "spend time with the kids, not each other" mode.
She wants to get together sometime soon, and compare our proposed plans for everything - kids, assets, support. We need to do it. I guess I'm experiencing some hesitation.
I asked her, so where are you now with delaying vs. closing ASAP, and she said she's tending towards ASAP. Told her I'm asking just because I don't know what to expect day to day, and she acknowledged that.
Went and did an open mic with some friends last night, then went out to see another friend playing at a local place. Had a good time.
We're preparing for our yearly review process at work, and it's clear that while they're giving me some grace for the loss of focus over the last 6 months, there's an expectation to get back on track. Asked my manager if he perceives any current issues, and he said no - so that's good, I think my focus has returned. So back to work focus for 2010. Right now it would be easy to feel like a failure across all the aspects of my life, but there are ups and downs' aren't there... Still have a future to invest in, even if it's not the planned one. I guess all those emotional objections that come up (but I don't WANT to divide up finances! I don't WANT to spend less time with the boys! I don't WANT to give up my home) are giving way to, this is how it is, what to do next? Acceptance. Hopefully I'm in a healthier place now. I guess there's a part of me that on some level feels that giving up what "should" be is some sort of character flaw. Justifies carrying around the emotional weight, sort of like "can't you see that this is more important than anything else..." When in fact it seems like the character is the resilience, the ability to cope and to adjust. Maybe all that is obvious and I'm just rambling.
Anyway, the ways I'm spending my time seem to be increasingly less empty. I'm honestly not sure what I'm going to do this weekend though.
The relationship between the two of you is not currently healthy.
The good times raise your hopes and expectations. They also satisfy your wife's insecurity about being alone and unable to make it.
Someone else mentioned the pursuit dance. I think it's happening here, but not maliciously.
Thing is, someone has to stop that dance and it doesn't sound like your wife is capable.
Sure sounds to me like both of you still have a lot invested in each other emotionally. Getting divorced because the separation is hard is no different in my mind to getting divorced because the marriage is hard.
I hate to make you feel worse, but I have to say that my initial impression is that this is still a marriage that could be saved.
The relationship that was developing between the two of you PRIOR to actually verbalizing getting serious about each other again was a good one. I may be in the minority here, but even with your wife involved with another, the two of cooperating and doing things that make life more normal for the kids is a good thing, regardless of the eventual outcome.
The problem is that each time either of you begins to mentally move in the direction of "maybe trying again," one or the other freaks out and it gets bad again.
My suggestion would be to finalize the separation between the two of you. Make it legal, draw up the papers, settle the financials, sell the house, whatever. Continue moving in the direction of establishing your own lives. But don't resist the cooperation and kindness.
Your wife is afraid of being able to make it on her own. In her confusion, she then sees her fear of making it as financial control on your part. That sends her beck mentally to the bad side of your previous relationship, and makes her feel justified in believing that things are unsalvagable.
If you have any desire whatsoever to rebuild the marriage, you are going to have to show her that you are willing to not only let her go, but allow her to have a fighting chance to succeed on her own.
It's bothersome, because in ways you will feel as though you are providing for her OM relationship. In truth you are setting her completely free, allowing her to remove YOU from the equation of what's wrong inside. Maybe then she will begin to be able to figure out whether she really misses you, or just the security of the relationship.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you - you must have read through all my posts to get all that, and I think you've summed it up pretty well. And I pretty much agree.
First, I have some indication that the OM thing is pretty much at it's end, FWIW.
This past week, we've been much more separate. C reinforced this too. So, doing a better job with the boundaries. Both of us.
Yes, we do have a lot invested in each other. It's a strange situation.
It's funny, what you've said is pretty much what my W has said - that's she's willing to go through D to find out if we're supposed to be together. A lot of this is her needing to work out her issues I think - I hesitate to analyze, but I think she's got some self-esteem issues around needing to feel independent. Well, actually, she's said that, that she wants to evaluate the relationship after she's on "equal footing" - she keeps using that phrase. We've had different backgrounds, in her family her parents went through a number of divorces, and her mom pulled it through as a single parent - somehow, I think she sees the need to emulate that - strong and not dependent. I came from a traditional family, where my dad supported us and my mom stayed home. My point is, I've come to realize that we've got completely different viewpoints on our roles. The "equal footing" thing threw me a bit, because I kind of saw us as a team, yeah, I was bringing in the income, but she still saw it as her role to contribute to the family finances. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe just to say that through the marriage I don't think I completely understood this, and it's got to the point where she feels a need to be free. I think there's a component here that has nothing to do with me at all, rather her concept of herself.
At the same time - she SAYS that she loves being married, that she never wanted to put the kids through this, that there were good times, that she loves me. She's articulated a fear that she's going to be unhappy single as she was married.
I asked her recently, when has she felt happy, and she said when she's been on vacation with me. Also, through our marriage, she's always been obsessed with retirement, when we could spend all our time together. But the day-to-day living, I think that she's generally been unhappy - and I think that was true before our marriage too.
I do believe that the only thing to do now is move forward. We're separated, we need to formalize the schedule with the kids, and the support, and the assets, just as a matter of necessity now. And I do suspect that finalizing the divorce will quickly follow. And honestly, I think there's nothing for it. I tend to agree - I need to walk away.
Thinking back on our history, us being together, there was an element of me "saving" her - yeah, she was unhappy, and I made her happy in the beginning. But in terms of her personal growth, I think I may have become a crutch, that really didn't work in the long run. She's been stressed out, overwhelmed for so long, and after awhile, you realize - you can't fix it. There was so long, I didn't know WHAT to do for her to make things better. And I tend to wonder, if she thinks I withdrew from her over time, if that's part of the reason why.
Anyway, things are really never that simple. But in terms of "the security of the relationship" - I imagine one of the reasons she was with me in the first place.
And that makes me wonder - and this is just idle thinking - did I somehow chose to marry a woman that just really needed me? Was that security for me too? Hmm.
There was a lot of good to our marriage, but I've tended to wonder about the fundamental basis of it. She's tended to want me to be everything for her, she hasn't had a lot of consistent or close friends. And I think that now she wants to be a stronger woman.
So - I think that there is a possibility that the relationship can be reconstructed. Really, a different relationship. But not tomorrow. I kind of have started to see us as maybe one of those couples that have a relationship throughout life, maybe coming back together later. There are couples that re-marry. But honestly, I won't hang my hopes on that, or carry that expectation. And I'm not really sure that's what I want either.
I think at this point, I'm more resistant to losing the married life than the marriage. Because, to be honest, I too am tired of a relationship that seems to suck the energy out of both of us. Kinds of takes me back to our C's paraphrasing: "I feel a connection and a bond to you but an unsure if I can live with you."
Lots of people in my life - family and friends - have observed that this marriage seems to have sucked the life out of me.
But despite all that - there's still a core bond that I think we both keep coming back to. Hopefully, that has more substance than co-dependence.
I'm really rambling now. Anyway, thank you Bill for your insights. Yeah, might just be that any future here will only be realized by putting "trying" out of the equation and see what happens.
Thanks for this post. Your stitch and my seem very similar and it was interesting to read your post and relate it to mine.
For some reason I dont think that my H and I are done. Like your W I think my H wants a D to see what the other side is like (you know grass is greener etc). Somehow (and I dont know why but I do think that we could remarry one day - however I am not sure I could forgive him for all the hurt.)
Sorry not sure how to put into words my thoughts right now, however your post has been insightful and given me some food for thought on my own stictch.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Sometimes I think I just ramble on this site, and don't participate in a helpful way on others' threads, but I don't trust that I've got particularly good advice.
Yeah, the whole "get together later" thing is such a different equation. We have to heal, move on, be whole in a new life. Maybe the dust settles and the clouds dissipate, and things become more clear... of course, what that clarity illuminates, who knows.
But it's the same old thing, isn't it - focus on self improvement.
