Just like any other time in the past, when the end felt near, I feel what I always feel:like I am in a comma. I cant react, I cant talk. I feel as if life is slipping away from my fingers.
The end with M? The woman I loved so much, that I married, with whom I created 2 lovely cratures that I am so proud of? How?
The way you describe to me how you feel, your reality, what I write maybe of no interest to you. You have have always been a creature of actions, of reality, now even more so. Consequently everything that has no specific action towards any direction, to you may mean nothing, I dont know that. It's what I am thinking lately. You have come to believe that I cant offer you what you need and I feel the same way now. I believe it. The more you state it, the worse I feel. (I dont blame you, it's good that you share it, it's not your fault). I feel helpless. Like a paraplegic. Why cant I offer to you simple things? I am useless. An [censored]. The way things are stated, I realise that now. But since I dont know how or I cant offer you what you need, my inability to give what you need should not keep you in this sitch/limbo. I have no right to ask you that. But then what? The end? How? And on and on and on in my head. The same vicious circle. With no end and no beginning. 24 hours a day. With no solution.
M I love you. And no matter what happens I will always love you. And you are always the most important person in my life that means the world to me I told you about often : that I listen to, affects me, things you already know and I think you feel too, I dont have to describe them for you. It's so hard feeling I am loosing you...
If that is what H wrote to you, that is exactly what I always get. He doesn't want to lose you, but he is not willing to give you what you want. If you say D, then he gets extremely upset, but if you say you want to work on things, he won't try. It is just so hard to know what to do. At some point, I think you just have to say enough is enough, which from what I have read you have done, and he has to choose. I agree with previous people. Maybe try to give him a chance to say what he wants to change about himself because then he said it and there can be more accountability because he came up with it.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
K, we already knew that. He is under a lot of pressure from you, the C, himself, his family, work, etc etc etc. He doesn't act when he is under pressure - look at how long other steps took him.
I don't know about you, but none of that is news to me.
It's how he feels. It's real to him.
Is there a way you can show him that you are interested in him, that you really want to make things work without undoing some of the work you guys have done in MC?
Maybe phrasing is important. Instead of "I will not be making any more MC appts" instead "I want you to be in charge of making the MC appointments. I need you to be responsible for that part of our R."
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It's the first I love you I got. So far was in another email:dont think I dont love you.
I am not sure if it is true though. Because not being able to let go, is not the same with wanting to be with someone because you love them. Feeling in love with someone else for too long and trying to make this work, made me wonder the same thing about myself. Love is a decision. Maybe I have become a cold person, maybe I am just tired.
The truth is, there is a huge difference to what I have been telling him and what he hears/believes. I never honestly thought he is not CAPABLE of giving me what I want, most of it at least. I am hurt and disappointed he chooses not to. He feels I am confident he cant. I say, feel, he wont.
That letter made me cry mish. For a man as I have described him, that doesnt talk about his feelings, saying he feels that life is slipping away from him, that he is useless and an a$$hole for not being able to offer me what I need, saying that he loves me, did affect me.
The letter has no sign of defensiveness as he showed the last week or so. It is a surrender letter. He surrenders. To the end. To whatever I say that is.
Yes, again he throws it back at me. I was tempted to answer back immediately :if that's what you choose, it is fine by me. I didnt. He feels I am so cold and misses a BIG part of my personality and psyche:how damn "soft" I am, how emotional intensely I live my life. The last couple of years, a couple of times, I had noticed he believed I am strong and confused that with cold/hard/killer. That is as far form the truth as it can get. But it is also true, I rarely let him see that part of me because...guess what...I was protecting him from my emotions. A vicious circle. I think the first time he saw me cry was when he told me he didnt love me anymore. I was always in control...
He misses the fact that when I get upset and insist on what I need it is because he has given it to me before. I know he could. He wanted "a clean cut". He needed me to be strong and put this back together, I am the strong one, the one that is so realistic (btw, I live in my fantasy life), he was ready to follow, not to lead or at least contribute 50% to the process of healing. Because I need healing.
I dont know what to do. I am wondering if I should push harder, stick to my guns without the slightest hesitation or just open my arms to him and guide him to my heart again.
Leap of faith? Falling for a trick? Being fooled again? Who knows? I sure dont.
Michelle remembers correctly. 6 months after he left me, she started complaining. I guess that is textbook case with As. When secrecy is no longer there, you get to see clearly. Plus, she made him feel he COULD make her happy. What else does a man need?
