I'm sorry you are having to deal with this in your life. The MLC group I believe will one day have to face the pain they have caused and they will feel it for themselves and know how miserable it is.
As far as how to make it stop? Hurting yourself does NOT make it stop, it would just cause others enormous pain. those that need you.
I know how you feel. From the first time over 15 years ago, to the 2nd time 30 months ago. It leaves a hole in your heart and a emptiness in your soul that just seems it will never go away or get filled up-ever. But it does, and it will.
As sure as there is a miserable cold winter, there will be a wonderful green, warm spring. We'd all like to just fast forward down the road a few years and get to a better place. Reality is-as much as that would be nice, that is just not how it works.
Try to live for you as others have said, and your kids. I know from experience that not having that person there who you thought you could always count on is tough, but...YOU CAN DO IT! YOU MUST DO IT! YOU WILL DO IT!
Learn what you can learn. Don't let anger rule your thoughts or decisions, but look out for you. Be kind, but not weak. There will come a day things will improve and you will feel better about you, with or without your H. It will just take some time, so find something that brings you some peace and fun and go do it with folks you like to be with. Hang in there!
(((di))) I am sorry you are hurting so badly again. dbs is absolutely right that the pain will go away someday. This is why you have to continue to focus on yourself and your kids.
My D has been having trouble with her BF. She was heartbroken and inconsolable. I was trying figure out what to tell her to help her feel better but there was very little. It reminded of where I was not all that long ago but I have come a long way since then. Even when my H decided not to move home a month ago, I was hurt but I feel like I pulled out of it quicker this time. What has helped me immensely is having more understanding that what my H is dealing with is not about me. My H has to go off and fight whatever demons he has and maybe he will come back and maybe he won't. Whatever the outcome, right now I am determined that I will be fine and I am going to do my best to be as determined everyday from here on out. I suspect there will be down days and when they come along, I will pick myself up and remind myself that I will be fine.
Yes, this is all painful and it sucks big time but try to remember that your H is in pain too. He is trying to find ways to his pain stop however he is looking in the wrong place for the source of his pain. Please remind yourself that your H's pain is not about you or your M. Hopefully someday he will figure that out but in the meantime, live your life and do your best to be happy without him. It can be done.
What has helped me immensely is having more understanding that what my H is dealing with is not about me.
How do you get to this point? I know that I believe that this is all on him. My brain tells me this is true, but my heart can't let go of the fact that he's able to turn his back on me and walk away from what we had for so many years. It is hard to believe that this isn't about me. Given the fact that I've failed miserably with DB, I believe more and more that my failure with this makes this my fault.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Given the fact that I've failed miserably with DB, I believe more and more that my failure with this makes this my fault.
Your level of success shouldn't be based on whether or not your marriage is restored. That is out of your control. It take two for that to happen, not just you.
This has to be about you, your growth and your changes make you a success.
di- What did you do that was so wrong? You tried to fix something that was devastating to your family. That is what most caring people would do. The unfortunate part is that the only person that can fix this is your H and, justifiably or not, he feels smothered and controlled by the M so he wants to get away from it. From what I have finally figured out, the LBS's continual efforts to fix things only make the MLCer want to run more and may prolong the crisis. So now if you get that, then from here on out, you have to accept that there is nothing YOU can say or do to change this situation. The only thing you can control in this equation is YOU. So start making changes for yourself and the first one being acceptance of the fact that you can't fix this.
You want to know what has made me realize that my H's crisis is not about me. My H fully admits that when he left me, his anger was directed at me. As time passed, he began to realize that his anger was misdirected although he never could tell me what his anger was about. As more time passed and he partially reconnected with me, I could see his anxiety would increase if he felt like he was getting too close. Since my H can admit he loves me, wants to be with me, can't imagine spending the rest of his life without me (and doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life), many of his happiest times in the last 3 years have been with me, etc., yet still can't make that step forward to recommit to the M, it makes it perfectly clear that this is not an issue about the M or me...this is all him. Last week my H even sent me a text telling me he misses me but he still can't recommit to the M. This does not make sense to any rational person? Absolutely not.
I have seen as clear as day how my H backs away when I push. Your H is doing the same thing every time you send him an emotional email or have a talk. He can't handle it and in his mind it gives him more justification for what he is doing. You have to let him go to figure this out on his own. I know it isn't what you want and it hurts like he11 but until he understands what is going on with him, he cannot be the happy and healthy man you need him to be.
I think I understand this. However, I haven't pushed----in a long time. I sent emotional e-mails in response to his recent request that I hire a lawyer for a divorce. I don't think you can describe the last mini conversation I had with him in(October), as pushing, unless face to face conversation is pushing in itself----which it apparently is for him.
His recent e-mail telling me that what he is doing/has done is "right in his mind" makes me just think this is all my problem. I don't know. I still just don't get it. THIS is not the man I grew up with and thought I knew so well.
What I do know is that going through the process of divorce will most definitely make him resent me/be more angry with me and ultimately have more fuel to blame me for all of his problems. I know this, because I will ask for what I deserve. I will protect myself and my future and I see no way to come out of this without him truly hating me. I know that this will be the end, and I really don't know that I can handle it.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
My parents divorced when I was 15. It took over 7 years to finally reach a property settlement and both of them felt like they got screwed. It was as ugly as it gets. But now, talking to them, they both realize what a mistake they made and how life would have been so much different if they had stayed together. Time does heal all wounds...or at least most of them.
You do have to protect yourself and hopefully someday your H will understand that you did what you had to do. Try to be fair and reasonable. What more could he expect from you?
What I do know is that going through the process of divorce will most definitely make him resent me/be more angry with me and ultimately have more fuel to blame me for all of his problems.
You don't KNOW this.
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
I know this, because I will ask for what I deserve. I will protect myself and my future and I see no way to come out of this without him truly hating me.
He just might respect you for this. Some day ...
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
I know that this will be the end, and I really don't know that I can handle it.
You can handle it.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
That's the funny thing. It is my nature to be fair and reasonable. If it weren't ---- I would have taken out an ad in the local newspaper, branded him as an adulterer and taken him for all he/we have 2 years ago. Well, fair and reasonable ---- and still in love with him.
H has accused me many times of doing/saying/thinking things that I haven't. I am sure he will agree to anything I ask for to be done. He responded to one of those emotional e-mails two weeks ago by telling me that he still cared for me, just doesn't want to be married to me----and that he would prove to me that he still cares. I asked if he thought he would be proving that to me in the form of a finanicial settlement----as if that was what I wanted?? But I am sure in the end he will be totally convinced that I am unfair and unreasonable. I am also sure the only way he would be happy with me is if I weren't breathing.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
