I just read your entire thread again and I think a few key points need to be addressed:

You are correct. No matter how hard you DB, no matter how much you detach, no matter how dark you go there is a good chance it will have no bearing on your WAS. My WAS was and still is as staunch as they come. He has been with OW for close to two years. He lost most of his assets due to his affair. None of that mattered to him and it still doesn't. My H decided how things would be and that was that. Not illness, financial ruin, exposure or legalities phased him a bit. BUT I am okay. Not perfect but very okay and far more okay than I ever have been. His inability to examine his own actions or take accountability for his behavior became painfully obvious to me and I decided to make a good life for me. It is a process. It is terrifying and difficult and humbling. It is also necessary.

Right now, your W views you as the obstacle to her happiness. She does not want to be with you and she wants OM. It is painful but reality. Maybe OM does make her happy or maybe she thinks OM makes her happy. Either way it is *her* reality at this time.

Last week my H told me via e-mail (the only way I will allow him to contact me) that the SAME problems we had our now cropping up in his R with OW. Seeing how I have been removed from his life for close to 2 years clearly his issues will continue to be a factor and it was not all me. He convinced himself it *was* all me and now, well, the cycle is repeating and he is finally grasping the idea that he is not quite as perfect as he thought.

The thing is, I knew all that a LONG time ago. I knew it before my H realized it but you can't force somebody to see or realize something until they are good and ready.

If you have false hope with your W you only have yourself to blame. False hope is something you have control over. The fact remains, as long as your W is with OM there is nothing for you and her to build on. And when somebody wants to be with somebody they will accept any loss or consequence on order to "be happy".

You must remove your W from the equation. Until you do you will spinning and spinning and your life will become a stagnant cycle of anger, hurt, frustration and pain.