well, i guess that's what we're all here for, isn't it? to give each other insight and perspective?
i have to say, i was REALLY hesitant about the motorcycle. first of all, it's $7k we could have spent on something else (i.e. paying off debts, or saving towards a trip somewhere). secondly, i am a big NINNY BABY and was terrified at the thought of being on the back of that thing. but he took the safety class and got his license and i've never once felt afraid when i was riding with him. we've actually taken some really amazing rides out to the wine country around where we live, and i always loved seeing him pull up in front of our building on it. so, in a way, it was never MY dream, but by accepting his and allowing him to fulfill it, it became something we could do together and something that actually brought us closer (well...until now!).
i can't imagine that your wife doesn't have ANY dreams. everyone has dreams. they may not be wild, they may be something as simple as having a family and a loving home. i've told my H about my dreams to travel with him, to go to italy together, or even a road trip to yosemite...but like i said, they get put on the back burner because he's starting a new business or we've spent outside our budget that month. he's just not as interested in traveling as i am, but i'm pretty sure i can say that i straight up TELL HIM about those dreams.
maybe her dream has been to be a mother. i know that's all my mom ever wanted out of her life. i can tell you this much, though...being married to someone with ADHD, especially someone who has such big goals and aspirations, has very often in the past left me feeling like i'm not exciting enough or interesting enough for my H. like he's bigger than life, so how on earth could i possibly hold his interest for very long when the next big thing is always just around the corner? i can't say that your W feels that way, i'm just saying how i've felt in my own M. i'm definitely insecure and have self esteem issues...not because he's made me FEEL unimportant or anything, just because i think, how on earth could i EVER be enough for this man?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
He's just not as interested in traveling as i am, but i'm pretty sure i can say that i straight up TELL HIM about those dreams.
Could it be that he thinks taking you out of city was meeting your dream? I guess what I'm saying is that I've often thought I considered what my W wants, but then I sometimes get the slap in the face that tells me I've really missed the mark. I wonder if I need to spend more time with her to find out?
To be honest, I worry that her dream is just being a mother. She has fought to avoid babysitters & daycare except my S, so alone time has always been almost never. I tried taking her out a few times anyways, but she was in such a rush to go home or only talked about the kids. Maybe that is her dream, but it is hard for me when I want a friend, not just co-parents.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
like he's bigger than life, so how on earth could i possibly hold his interest for very long when the next big thing is always just around the corner? i can't say that your W feels that way, i'm just saying how i've felt in my own M. i'm definitely insecure and have self esteem issues...not because he's made me FEEL unimportant or anything, just because i think, how on earth could i EVER be enough for this man?
Or me for her. My W wants to sit on the sofa. I want to go do things together. With the TV on, I want to 'get' the show - I need to focus. TV off...it is a lot of pressure to sit and wait for a topic. How can either of us be really meeting our emotional needs when she wants a warm home and I want to do more?
hmmmm...i'm thinking about your last post and when you said you worry that her dream is "just being a mother." i'm assuming that when you said that you meant that it was her only dream, not that her dream was not a big one - using the word "just" in there could read 2 ways. of course, no one wants to be married to someone who ONLY sees themselves as a mother and cannot or will not play any other role (wife, friend, partner, lover, or even just woman), but at the same time, it sounds like she puts a lot of effort into taking care of the children that you've had together. does she feel acknowledged for that? when you take her out, do you do things she wants to do or has talked about doing? sometimes women get so focused in being "mom" that she feels like that's all she is to anyone - maybe even including you. have you tried the approach, "wife, you have worked so hard this week, getting the kids to school and making dinners, lunches, taking kids here there and everywhere...i'm so lucky to have a wife who is so devoted to her family, and i'd love to take you on a date so you can relax for an evening and we can spend some time alone"?
my H and i have that same problem, i'm more of a home body than he is, and when we ARE home, i complain if we just sit around and watch tv and don't talk. what about family game nights, or a mom and dad movie night at home where your oldest keeps the younger ones out of your hair while you watch a movie together or have friends over? my H loves social interaction and i've noticed on so many ocassions that he lights up in these settings and situations in a way he never does when we have dinner, just the two of us, or when we spend time alone, one on one. i assumed it was because he liked going out more than he liked spending time with me. but my DB coach has made me see that's not really the case - but obviously, in a situation when there is more than one stimulant (i.e., other people), his focus will tend to circle around the room (which often leaves me feeling neglected in this situations - is it possible your wife doesn't want to be out with you because she feels that way, too?).
the issue of balance has been a big one for my H and i, especially since we found out about the ADHD. have you ever been to ADHD marriage? it's been helpful for me in terms of seeing both sides when dealing with ADHD.
but to answer your question, no i don't think my H thought taking me out of the city would fulfill my dream. on the one occassion that we rented a cabin for a weekend, he was calling friends to invite them to come stay with us as soon as we pulled into the driveway of the cabin. although, i guess i could say he had to have known that that would upset me, but i don't live in his head, so i supposed it's possible he also thinks he's considering what i want, only to get a slap in the face from me afterwards.
Last edited by trytryagain; 02/02/1008:21 PM.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
does she feel acknowledged for that? when you take her out, do you do things she wants to do or has talked about doing?
Is it fair to 'force' her to go out? I could try it as a surprise, but she gets so worried about the kids...I guess the pre-discussion would work for her, but it sure takes the fun out of it for me...balance I guess...
I love my kids as much as she does, but I value them becoming independent as I am, too. She can't detatch. That's probably why I feel upset about 'mom' being her (only) dream.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
is it possible your wife doesn't want to be out with you because she feels that way, too?).
Good point. Ya well, we never go out - one of my many compromises to appease her, but it might be because of me ignoring her. I'll chaulk that up!
I REALLY hope you get a chance to show off what you've learned about your H. It is odd for me, because I'm driving the D but also trying to stop it? Weird, eh?
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
but i don't live in his head, so i supposed it's possible he also thinks he's considering what i want, only to get a slap in the face from me afterwards.
He might be slapping himself, too. But then again, he might be oblivious.
i know it's been a big issue for me in the past with my H concerning going out socially with him that i feel ignored because he's so busy working the room. while i appreciate his charm and charisma and i know that he's constantly in "networking" mode, i also sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel if we're out with his buddies, or like i may as well not be there if he's scoping out potential clients if we are at a party or something. as the ignored partner, i can tell you, it's not fun to feel that way. and my H never considers it because, well, in his brain, working the room is what comes naturally to him. i'm a lot more introverted than he is (and it seems like your wife may be the same way), so while he can go to a bar and be BFFs with ten new people in 15 minutes, i'm uncomfortable in social situations where i don't know anyone else and my H is busy talking to other people. just try to put yourself in her shoes. maybe she likes to stay home because she feels like there she has a better chance at getting your attention?
when we do go out, just the two of us, i LOVE it when he leaves his phone at home or even in the car, so i feel like i have his full attention.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Wow. That hit the nail on the head. I think I've always resented that I had to give up on 'working the room' so that I wouldn't be fighting over it later that night.
Did you find that it was something that could be balanced - going out together vs 'networking', or do I just suck it up and accept the difference?
I'm finding a lot more baggage these days than I thought I had.
well, the balancing thing has always been a challenge for us. we decided that if he was going to "work" events where he knew he'd be looking for business contacts and doing a lot of networking, that i'd be better off to not go to those with him. he felt too much pressure to entertain me while simultaneously trying to drum up business and "working the room."
you both have to accept the differences and make more compromises if you want to get past the issue of spending time together. she needs to find the confidence within herself to realize that if you are in a social situation and not by her side all night, it doesn't necessarily mean she is not the most important person in the room to you. my H would do things like come over to check on me every now and then, or wink at me from across the room, or even send me a text that said he loved me or something small like that to make me feel like he cared. i also had to accept that it would be like trying to clip a bird's wings for me to expect him to stay by my side and dote on me all night.
it's a difficult balance for sure, and it does require a lot of work on both sides. she needs to accept you, you need to accept her. she needs to feel special and wanted, you need to feel that you have freedom within your M to spread your wings now and then.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
You could learn a lot about getting along together by attending a Retrouvaille weekend. They are listed on the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. You wouldn't believe how much can change when people who have reconciled themselves teach the two of you how to do it. It completely changed my marriage from an unhappy marriage where I thought I married the wrong person, to a very happy one, where we are good friends and lovers again.
