di- What did you do that was so wrong? You tried to fix something that was devastating to your family. That is what most caring people would do. The unfortunate part is that the only person that can fix this is your H and, justifiably or not, he feels smothered and controlled by the M so he wants to get away from it. From what I have finally figured out, the LBS's continual efforts to fix things only make the MLCer want to run more and may prolong the crisis. So now if you get that, then from here on out, you have to accept that there is nothing YOU can say or do to change this situation. The only thing you can control in this equation is YOU. So start making changes for yourself and the first one being acceptance of the fact that you can't fix this.
You want to know what has made me realize that my H's crisis is not about me. My H fully admits that when he left me, his anger was directed at me. As time passed, he began to realize that his anger was misdirected although he never could tell me what his anger was about. As more time passed and he partially reconnected with me, I could see his anxiety would increase if he felt like he was getting too close. Since my H can admit he loves me, wants to be with me, can't imagine spending the rest of his life without me (and doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life), many of his happiest times in the last 3 years have been with me, etc., yet still can't make that step forward to recommit to the M, it makes it perfectly clear that this is not an issue about the M or me...this is all him. Last week my H even sent me a text telling me he misses me but he still can't recommit to the M. This does not make sense to any rational person? Absolutely not.
I have seen as clear as day how my H backs away when I push. Your H is doing the same thing every time you send him an emotional email or have a talk. He can't handle it and in his mind it gives him more justification for what he is doing. You have to let him go to figure this out on his own. I know it isn't what you want and it hurts like he11 but until he understands what is going on with him, he cannot be the happy and healthy man you need him to be.
