the difference between the letter he left me when he moved out on saturday and this email is night and day. and i don't know what that means.
On Saturday, he was collecting things covered with memories of you. He also got a note from you that may have reminded him of the consequences of his decision.
Side note - in my last post I wanted to clarify I think understanding him makes sense and is admirable. Trying to see what can be done is super, too. You aren't a year into a seperation, just a few days. Just don't make it your life.
H isn't on any meds. other than weed and alcohol...but since i no longer live with him, i no longer am aware of how much he's consuming.
went out tonight...had a GREAT time with my sister. actually ended up running into a guy i dated briefly but REALLY liked a few years ago. he was at the event i was at with my sister, but with his girlfriend. i did say hello, but...still weird.
i'm back home, no word from the H, watching the snow fall from the beautiful picture windows of our (well...now MY) apartment, trying to feel lonely but not alone and it's not working out so well. i miss him so much.
will mull over a response to his email tomorrow. probably just something quick...i know he doesn't want to write me an emotional email at his new job, 2 days in, only to end up crying at his desk.
interesting how trying to GAL can make me feel more lonely than ever...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
TTA, DO NOT reply to his email - NO GOOD WILL COME OF THAT. There is no need and you need to separate yourself emotionally and protect you a little bit right now. I KNOW it feels wrong to ignore him - but that's what you need to do. You have GOT to find a way to only focus on you. PLEASE READ CAREFULLY... LET HIM GO AND FOCUS ON YOU... please re-read that sentence. NOTHING you do is going to help him decide right now if its directed AT him. The only thing you can do to help your marriage is to FOCUS ON YOU... do you see the running theme here?
Try thinking about things that you want. A good goal might be to be alone but not feel lonely... whether or not you and H work things out you need to find away to be happy with just you. You are no where near that - THAT needs to be your focus. You will find that dark/ no contact will actually feel better for this.
How did your support group go? Did you find comfort in it?
Its good you went out with your sis - do more of that!
I want you to think... Is there anything you have always wanted to do but never made the time to do??? List them for us.
Hang in there - be strong.... NO EMAILS ....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
You will find that dark/ no contact will actually feel better for this.
Isn't going 'dark' a last resort? They've only just become separated. Yes, she needs to focus on herself and be strong - both of which can help her and her M. Being alone can drive her H to other women just as much as it can drive him toward her.
Just think, TTA, while it felt weird, you are starting to see other men differently. Wouldn't your H do that too if he feels that you have written him out of your life?
Side note - in my last post I wanted to clarify I think understanding him makes sense and is admirable. Trying to see what can be done is super, too. You aren't a year into a seperation, just a few days. Just don't make it your life.
OTM- do you mean don't try to make understanding him my life? or don't make separation my life? i guess the answer is probably both.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
shouldn't i be working the last resort method now anyway, since my H no longer lives with me? i don't want to ignore the sound advice of anyone here, but it does feel awfully strange to me to completely ignore and not respond to an email from my H letting me know that he's set up his paycheck to direct deposit into our joint account so i can continue paying my bills and expenses. it doesn't feel like an issue i need to "drop the rope" on, because we are at a phase where we do still have joint financial responsibilities and ignoring him on that front seems...i don't know, i guess kind of cold. i wasn't going to write him some weepy email, just a thanks for setting that up kind of response.
and while it did make me think some "what if" kind of stuff last night, seeing that guy i'd dated really only left me missing my H even more.
talia, i signed up for acro-yoga classes! that's YOGA + ACROBATICS!!! i could not be any more excited. i've fallen away from my yoga practice in the last year and am so eager to get back into it...my first class is tonight and i'm starting with a simple flow yoga to find some zen and remind my body of what it's been missing! i am also planning to go on a week-long trip down to new orleans in march to do some volunteer community rebuilding work through my church - another thing i've been wanting to do for YEARS but have never found the time.
the support group was the MOST DEPRESSING THING ON EARTH. everyone else there was dealing with dividing major assets (like houses) and had awful, traumatic stories like not seeing their spouses for 4 years (but still not divorced), restraining orders placed that kept people from seeing their children, affairs, marriages crumbling in less than a year...it actually made me feel worse than better. and i was the only person in there who didn't WANT a divorce. but it was at least helpful to gain some legal knowledge, i suppose. but still. talk about a room full of debbie downers! everyone's story is different, i know, but not one single person was interested in saving their marriage...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
OTM, That's a really good question - and a very valid one. In my case that's exactly what I thought. By pursuing H and trying to get him to see how all the things he thought about me were wrong - that course of action made everything worse.
OTM - Here is the flaw in your question. (I'm not up on your specific situation - but I'm assuming that this question is as much for you as TTA) Your question assumes that ANY action by the left behind spouse will make the WAS do anything. Thats a wrong assumption. There is no cause and affect relationship with a WAS. WAS spouses live in a made up crazy land where somewhere in the twisted purple sky what they are doing is either best for them and screw everyone else OR its the best thing they can do for their LBS. NONE of that is logical. REMEMBER - BELIEVE NOTHING THAT THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO.
TTA - in your case he SAYS he's not sure - BUT he moved out. What do his actions say? If you went dark what more damage could it do - he's already gone... If H wanted you in every part of his life- if he felt comfortable enough with that he wouldn't have left. Part of this is respecting HIS boundaries too. He clearly needs space.. so give it to him.
DR is pretty clear - once you are not in the same house the most effective thing you can do is be lovingly detached, go dark and implement the LRT.
If there is OP than NOTHING the LBS does will advance or end that relationship. Its totally on the WAS to cross those boundaries. By pursuing - which is exactly what you are doing when you email something like "If you want to discuss over dinner sometime" - You reduce the respect factor. No wants to be chased by someone who they no longer want in their lives. Stepping back and focusing on you - going dark - shows you don't NEED that person. Remember - its human nature to WANT what we can no longer have. Going dark gives you a protected safe place from WAS's craziness. You CANNOT interpret letters that say ILY one day and cold emails the next. Engaging in that only feeds the mental craziness all LBS's go through. You are reading into every word, response, timing, etc. If you only respond when you have to - there are less interactions in general and you have less fuel for the LBS obsessing fire. We all do it - ready my post from this morning....
All the DBing aside - going dark gave me personally a chance to get my head screwed on straight. I didn't have the option of worrying about H - I sort of put him out of my mind. That left enough space to sort through my own issues. I've realized that I can't possibly try to help H (assuming he wanted me to) with his issues when I haven't sorted out mine. Getting right with myself mentally right away put me in a position of understanding early on.
Be YOUR OWN PERSON - read the threads here.... the advice is the same. Let go - drop the rope - and focus only on your PMA. DR is very clear - this MAY NOT save your marriage - but that's not really what DBing is about. Its about making YOU the best YOU possible and by doing THAT you may be able to save your marriage.
Just remember - the only thing you can control is YOU. Your actions will never push anyone to do something they weren't going to do anyway. Stop worrying about what your actions will push your H to do - he's doing them not matter what happens with you - worry about whether or not your actions are the BEST THING FOR YOU. H will see that and respect it and THAT's the foundation for re-building.
Hope this helped and isn't too all over the place..
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
TTA, I just saw your post - we were posting at the same time! You are right - you do need to interact with H. Just only do it as necessary. There's no need to respond to that email. Maybe you wait until you have something to report back... say ... you paid a joint bill and THEN slip in at the end something like "OH - BTW - Thanks for taking care of the paycheck thing. You were always so good at making sure I'm provided for" and leave it at that. It shows gratitude, but on your terms, gives you a reason to slip in a compliment - which is what men need to feel like men - and you aren't readily jumping to respond to his very communication. You are acting... not reacting. That's how you want to handle it.
With shared finances you can't just ignore him. Just be the driver with your interactions, not the passenger in his... Make sense??? I'm a little foggy today.
OK ... TO GAL I'm so glad you are going back to YOGA! I loved doing Yoga - its so good for the mind! Keep filling your time with those things that you neglected previously - you will start to find it empowering. Sounds like the support group is a great big AVOID from now on... yuck. Sorry that was such a bad experience.
Remember - only a truly whole person can be a good partner to someone else. Can you be a good partner? IF NOT focus on getting yourself to that point as your #1 priority and the M stuff will fall into place.
I don't know if you are spiritual in any way.. but I believe you need to have faith that the things you need in your life will be there when you need them. Have faith things will come together as they should....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
in your case he SAYS he's not sure - BUT he moved out. What do his actions say?
I see your point. I think ADHD changes things, though. Giving space, not pursing, still excellent advice. Being open and letting him know the door in isn't going to shut right away, that you still feel a connection can be developed if he is willing...that is I think the key difference.
