how do i keep my hope alive?

[talia]

OTM,
That's a really good question - and a very valid one. In my case that's exactly what I thought. By pursuing H and trying to get him to see how all the things he thought about me were wrong - that course of action made everything worse.

OTM - Here is the flaw in your question. (I'm not up on your specific situation - but I'm assuming that this question is as much for you as TTA) Your question assumes that ANY action by the left behind spouse will make the WAS do anything. Thats a wrong assumption. There is no cause and affect relationship with a WAS. WAS spouses live in a made up crazy land where somewhere in the twisted purple sky what they are doing is either best for them and screw everyone else OR its the best thing they can do for their LBS. NONE of that is logical. REMEMBER - BELIEVE NOTHING THAT THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO.

TTA - in your case he SAYS he's not sure - BUT he moved out. What do his actions say? If you went dark what more damage could it do - he's already gone... If H wanted you in every part of his life- if he felt comfortable enough with that he wouldn't have left. Part of this is respecting HIS boundaries too. He clearly needs space.. so give it to him.

DR is pretty clear - once you are not in the same house the most effective thing you can do is be lovingly detached, go dark and implement the LRT.

If there is OP than NOTHING the LBS does will advance or end that relationship. Its totally on the WAS to cross those boundaries. By pursuing - which is exactly what you are doing when you email something like "If you want to discuss over dinner sometime" - You reduce the respect factor. No wants to be chased by someone who they no longer want in their lives. Stepping back and focusing on you - going dark - shows you don't NEED that person. Remember - its human nature to WANT what we can no longer have. Going dark gives you a protected safe place from WAS's craziness. You CANNOT interpret letters that say ILY one day and cold emails the next. Engaging in that only feeds the mental craziness all LBS's go through. You are reading into every word, response, timing, etc. If you only respond when you have to - there are less interactions in general and you have less fuel for the LBS obsessing fire. We all do it - ready my post from this morning....

All the DBing aside - going dark gave me personally a chance to get my head screwed on straight. I didn't have the option of worrying about H - I sort of put him out of my mind. That left enough space to sort through my own issues. I've realized that I can't possibly try to help H (assuming he wanted me to) with his issues when I haven't sorted out mine. Getting right with myself mentally right away put me in a position of understanding early on.

Be YOUR OWN PERSON - read the threads here.... the advice is the same. Let go - drop the rope - and focus only on your PMA. DR is very clear - this MAY NOT save your marriage - but that's not really what DBing is about. Its about making YOU the best YOU possible and by doing THAT you may be able to save your marriage.

Just remember - the only thing you can control is YOU. Your actions will never push anyone to do something they weren't going to do anyway. Stop worrying about what your actions will push your H to do - he's doing them not matter what happens with you - worry about whether or not your actions are the BEST THING FOR YOU. H will see that and respect it and THAT's the foundation for re-building.

Hope this helped and isn't too all over the place..

T