Next steps

[pearlharbr]

This is the avermont I like hearing about--calm, rational, getting her ducks in a row.

While you're getting all the business taken care of don't forget to take some time to figure out what you want your future to look like.

[avermont]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, PH.

As to what I want my future to look like: this is why the house stuff is so hard, because it has repercussions on the rest of my future.

do I want to stay in this same tiny town as him?
in time, I won't care if I see him out with half a dozen OW. But right now, I am still carefully gaugeing where I might run into him/her.

What if I took advantage of this crisis to make a big career move--rescue, nursing, international first aid, women's clinics--that sort of thing?
Then I could always sell or rent the house.

If the house goes to a 3rd party, I feel much more free.
Would still have to decide whether or not to buy a house in this town.
Would buy a nice tiny house without all the work of the big old house.

What DO I want my future to look like?

At the moment, I am being as Bhuddist as I can:

"I liked my old life! whine! whine! I don't want it to change! whine! whine!"

ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS, GRASSHOPPER. AND REACT WITH INTEGRITY AND HONESTY.

It's just so frickin hard. In case you didn't know that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It is just so sad to be in a place where I am going to lawyers and talking trash about my X--talking about OW, and affairs, and moving into apts. out of vengeance! When did my perfectly quiet, respectable, decent, moral life become a trailer trash soap opera? This is so not us. So not me.

Av,

I don't post to you much, but I wanted to respond to this, because I can TOTALLY relate to these kinds of feelings. The day I had to meet with my credit union's branch manager, and explain why I needed a new account set up, with my direct-deposit going into it, and my wife was NOT to have access to it . . .

Or the day I had to have my doctor stick a SWAB UP MY c*ck, to test me for STDs, because my wife refused to have the tests done. My doctor is a FEMALE, btw.

Or when I told my parents. Or when I told HER parents.

But I wanted to say, this ISN'T "you." Your X's affair doesn't define YOU. You are Avermont, and all that entails. This SITUATION doesn't define you, but how you RESPOND to it . . . will.

Respond wisely, with strength and character and honor.

You'll be fine.

Puppy

[chatterbug]

Puppy beautiful.

[pearlharbr]

I know it's hard. Heck, I still don't know what I want my life to look like. But I know I need to figure it out.

Personally I think selling to a 3rd party would be best for you. That way you don't feel like either you or X won or lost and it gives you the freedom to decide if you want to stay put or move. Either way you can start fresh in a new home that won't be tainted by good or bad memories.

This SITUATION doesn't define you, but how you RESPOND to it . . . will.

Amen.

[avermont]

Hey,Puppy, thanks for stopping by. Those words were good to hear.

LFA--I'll try to keep my posts about "next steps" "house" over here, rather than in your "scared, need advice" thread. If I have to guess, I guess you are no longer so scared, anyhow!

And thanks so much for your detailed update, LFA. It really helps.

OK. Met with top lawyer today.

This case would be decided as a Vermont Partition Case. More of a Business Partnership being divided, as we were not married.

Of course the (3) options of he buys me out; I buy him out; sell to 3rd party.

It would be best, as PH and LFA say, and I agree, if the house went to a 3rd party. Then I don't have the psychic pain of X and OW living there, or feelings of lost/won.

He will NEVER agree to my buying him out.

L suggested I respond to his proposal with a counter-proposal: I offer you the same terms. If we can't agree, I suggest we sell to 3rd party.

If it goes to court, or 3rd party, it will be tons of $. It will become sort of like the US/USSR arms race--who goes bankrupt first?

L counseled me to think about asking X for a lot more $: said it would hurt in the short term, but in the long term I would be laughing my way to the bank.

The b**ch of it is, my main issue with him having the house is OW. With time, I will heal, disengage, etc, but I am not there yet.

The second issue is the fear I have already mentioned, that X will move into an apt as soon as it is available.

With PH's prodding to remember PDT's advice:imagine the worst and how would you handle it? I have thought:

If he does that, I will have to move out of the main house. He will then move into main house with OW, and our current sitch will be reversed.

But, there would be no reason I couldn't still continue the case in court.

So the final outcome would still be decided the same way. I would just have the heartache and inconvenience of finding an apt. to live in.

Fortunately, had an appt. with C right after L. Cried a lot. She did support the idea I had of calling an intervention.

What do people hear think about my contacting some of our mutual guy friends, and asking them to talk to X? Beat some compassion into him? He respects these guys, and certainly hasn't seen them socially since this all went down.

I would ask them to ask him to consider backing off on the house; giving me more time. I know he won't consider selling to me or to a 3rd party without a court order. MAYBE his friends could convince him to start a new life with a new house with the new babe if the house went to a 3rd party. But I doubt it.

Either X is massively clueless, or horribly cruel. If he is clueless, perhaps friends could clue him in. If he is cruel..well, he is not the guy we all thought we knew.

So my next steps:
draft a counter proposal.
My L will talk to her partners and see if there is anecdotal stories of how VT Partition Cases have been decided.
I will ask my L cousin if he can research VT. Partition Cases for me, to save the cost of the L. My L here said that was OK to do.
Poll you guys on whether or not to talk to friends about intervening.
Try very hard to remember it is about what is best for me. Must finish this up with integrity. Must not be some horrible, vengeance-driven, court-case filing, person. Must find out what is the RIGHT thing to do, and do it.

And have a drink tonight after yoga.

Thanks, all!

[pearlharbr]

aver, I think until you detach and/or move away you're going to be hung up on X with OW no matter the outcome of the house. I know what it's like to cringe at the thought of having your partner move some OW into your life. I told BF that's what hurt the most, feeling like I was replaceable.

I started out DBing thinking that there was no way I was going to let some whore steal my man and my life. When the switch flipped I decided that if she wanted a cheating, lying coward then she was welcome to him because I deserve MUCH better than that. I love my house. I liked my life. But the house is just a thing and my future looked so much brighter on my own that I was willing to just walk away (not without fair compensation).

This is why it is important to figure out what you want your future to look like. Of course I think you should work to get the best possible financial outcome because honestly that's all that's left. Just make sure you're not holding onto a thing (house) for the wrong reasons. Yes, it's a slap in the face to move OW into your home. But if you're not there to experience it, is it really a slap?

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face (and all those other trite sayings). Focus on doing what is right and best for YOU.

My two cents on the intervention is that it would be a waste of time. I exposed BF's A to his best friend (S) and best friend's wife (A). S's response to BF was that it wasn't smart to screw someone at work because that could mess up his career. He said nothing about me which hurt a lot because S and I used to be coworkers and had a friendship independent of BF. A is a very outspoken and opinionated woman. I have never known her to hold back. She told me that she was going to read BF the riot act when he came to visit them and she would not forgive him for what he had done. Turns out she never said a peep to BF. She told me later that I seemed to be fine with it (at this time we had split up) so she didn't pursue it.

So even if you ask X's friends to talk to him (which is controlling others, not yourself) it may not have the results you want. Are you 100% certain they are on your side and would agree to talk to X on your behalf? They could tell X that you're sad, pathetic, begging for more time in order to win him back, etc.

The only way I see this working for you would be to able to slip into a conversation the fact that X was going back on his word to wait a year and that if he wants to play hardball then you're willing to do that to stand up for yourself.

But I will wait and see what others have to say on the subject.

[newmama]

Aver, you are making progress dealing with this house situation! Way to get the ball rolling. My opinions:

1) intervention would be waste of time...possibly make X defensive, resentful and fight harder for the house.

2)Do you REALLY want to waste tons of money, stress, and time going to court for the house? I know it would be horrible if OW moved in but I think when you detach you won't care. Honestly!

[avermont]

OK, newmama, pearl--

You are totally right that until I detach, I will be hung up on OW no matter what.

That takes time. Physical distance would help.

Even if I moved to another little town nearby, so that I was sleeping and driving to/from work from another place, I would presumably still want to be involved in activities in this town.

I'm on the rescue squad; board of the Opera House; active in the theatre group.

I have friends here; would presumably still meet them in the bar or restaurants.

I am working on getting new friends and new activities, but that takes time and has always been difficult ever since I moved to VT. Really, it is something everyone says--really hard to get into new friendships--takes a lot of time.

So unless I do a BIG move--new job, new state--I won't get good physical distance.

If I did do an intervention--which many signs are pointing to 'no', I am sure that the guys I would ask are on my side. I could be pretty darn clear that it wasn't a matter of hoping and begging for him.

Pearl, X and I worked on this house together. Not as much as LFA and her X, but a lot. Building, painting, building porch, re-siding, basement work--the house was improved immeasurably out of our love for each other and life together.

So to just hand it over to OW--it's killer. I know many people here have been through this, and survived.

It would be different if it were a little condo that all we ever did was put some new paint in the bathroom.

But goddarn it, for her to move her clothes into my closet that I built; brush her teeth in the bathroom that I helped design and put together--I just can't take that pain right now.

Do I just leverage for time? "I'll sell to you in 1 year?"

I had asked for a year to MAKE a decision on the house, not be done, bought out, and moved out by. And he gave me back the anniversary of Bomb Day to be moved out by.

Time, time, time, I need time.

[Day by Day]

Pearl, X and I worked on this house together. Not as much as LFA and her X, but a lot. Building, painting, building porch, re-siding, basement work--the house was improved immeasurably out of our love for each other and life together.

So to just hand it over to OW--it's killer. I know many people here have been through this, and survived.

But goddarn it, for her to move her clothes into my closet that I built; brush her teeth in the bathroom that I helped design and put together--I just can't take that pain right now.

Avermont,
Maybe think of it this way... if I were OW (god forbid!) I'd think that the house would be haunted of memories of you. Every part of the house has your touch on it, and memories of you in every corner. Wouldn't that be incredibly uncomfortable for her? She'd be competing with your memory.