Just for completion sake I will toss one into this forum as well
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Holes in the Roof
Penny R. Tupy June 2004
I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open models in the upscale developments around the area. During my thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses. And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws, money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof? No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching, no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete. Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time, patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage torn apart by an affair.
I feel like such a fool!!!! I feel like I’m doing all the work. H is defiantly not committed to working on M yet. He just wants to spend some fun time together to see if he can fall back in love with me, I hate this!!!!
He is still talking with OW, and still claims they are just friends, and the kiss they had was not passionate, just a friend kiss. What a bunch of BS.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. A good friend of his told me that if I show him we can have fun and be happy, he will have no reason to talk to this OW anymore. I’ve been told by several people, including my H about how controlling I am (which is true, I’ve learned that about myself through this whole ordeal). And the friends tell me if I tell H to drop all contact with OW, it will come across as controlling and push my H further away.
According to DB’ing I’m supposed to make me out to be the better choice. However this is so hard, how do I be all upbeat and happy when I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth.
I ended up not being able to talk to OWH on Monday, so now I have to wait until next Monday. I hope with him knowing more details that will help my sitch.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The rejection from my H is what is so hard. For 16 years he had always been the caring, I love you, touchy feely person in our M. I was always the cold; don't have time, not now wife. Now the tables have turned, and I know how he has felt for so many years. However, I feel like I'm being so desperate and emotional, which is not me that was always him. So some of my 180's are to be more affectionate, but I think that is coming across as pursing him. This whole thing just sucks!!!!!!
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I can RELATE- in a big way. The affection is a 180, but if its unwanted, its a no-no. Then fun times are hard to have b/c you're focused on OW- that means you have fun for a bit, then open your mouth about something- then backslidesville. I guess the main thing to focus on is you. If the M doesn't last or never comes to be- you are left w/ you. H knows how you feel, and isn't there yet. I guess having fun times w/ you and talking to OW is some cake-eating. Any R talk, rationalizing, etc is percieved as controlling or manipulations- imagine logic and rational thought being manipulative- WTF?!?!
maynard2121, Thank you so much, what you said about trying to have fun and then me opening up my mouth is exactly what I have been doing. H does know how I feel, he has heard it from me a million times (one of my big problems, I talk to much, and not enough listening). I'm going to try to focus on me being happy for me, especially when H is around, and hope he notices. This trust/jealous monster is just so ugly and takes control over me.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28, Get back on track girl!!! It is easy to let your emotions take over. PMA, you are going to SUCCEED, remember???? But this is going to take a while. PATIENCE is required for this recepie to work. You have had some good advice from some of the best people on the boards.
You need to let OWH know, why do you have to wait? This is important, make time, do it. If you are afraid of making your husband mad then there is the problem. Face your fear of losing him, I know it is easier said than done but you need to do this. You can still be positive and have fun with him, in fact you may feel even better once you let the OWH know. I know it would put me in a good mood.
You have so many positive things going on here they are too numerous to list, but it doesn't mean the hard work is done. The hard work is just beginning, and I think you are finding that out. You are doing great and you have come so far in a short amount of time, but this is not going to be quick, you know that. Continue to come here to vent, get advice, and suupport from people who understand you and respect you for your decision to FIGHT for your marriage! You will SUCCEED!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
