I've been following your thread and my heart goes out to you as I very much understand your pain. I do have a couple questions for you. Do you truly want to try and save your marriage? If you do, why then do you keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different outcome?
I'm not talking about the issues with the children, they have to be addressed. I might consider changing the tactics you use though to get that done.
You have managed to get some of from what I can see from visiting the board the wisest people trying to help you out, yet you continually go against the advice you've been given. I understand you're a fixer, but you have to understand, YOU can't fix your wife in this situation. The MLC has to play out for her and all you're doing is prolonging it by trying to reason and fix her. You don't even give her time to miss you because you seem to be in almost constant contact. By your posts it seems that you react to almost everything. Stop it, and get zero expectations. Don't jump on everything you interpret as a positive sign from her as a chance to further your cause and will upon her. Let it go. By not detaching you are letting this consume you. You have to control yourself and emotions before you can logically get a plan to handle this. I know how much it hurts. My MLCer lives with the OW. It is not an easy thing to watch as the person you wanted to spend your life with self destructs. The message I have gotten through to myself is that if there is any chance to build something new from this, I have to let it go. It has to run its course. I have stepped back. I am trying not to let anything I do or say create a stronger bond between my H and the OW as to give them something to unite them against me. Is this easy? No way! It goes against everything I want to do or say. If I think about it too much it drives me insane. GAL has come in to rescue me. Use this time to take your own journey and get to know yourself. On the other side of this you will not be the same two people that you were going in. Stop trying to hold on to the old you and her and let them go, because when you think about it that old ones didn't work out so well.
Please believe me, I know what you're going through. I do understand what this feels like, and I know that you just want your family back. I do too. It's just not going to be the same as before MLC and you can't deal with the problems like you did before. This is a whole new ballgame with different rules and if you continue to play by the old ones, you may lose. There are no guarantees, we may lose anyway, but at the very least you can say you gave it your all and have learned some valuable lessons that will serve you well for the rest of your life.
I only wish you peace. I wish that for all of us. Truly hand it over to God, He'll take care of it as He sees fit.
