Ok so last night may have been a frame shift. don't know. trying to stay grounded.
so as you all may or may not know I have been at least outwardly calm and consistent for one week with W. She has taken notice. I wrote the email two days ago that said how much I appreciated how she is trying to give me a chance, and how hard that must be given how I hurt her over the years. well, she said this was "a shift in the universe"
she has been consistent w me over the last few days too. the inconsistencies have been largely my own demons filling in the gaps.
she skyped me w the boys last night, she blew me a kiss, got misty and said, "this is hard... it wasn't hard seeing you before". she said she had some things she wanted to share w me later and could she call me back... of course I said... half expecting her not too..
so she did, and said for the first time she is feeling things she hasn't felt in a long long time. when I called in the morning she said her heart rate didn't go up with anxiety like it did before... she actually rushed to get the phone becuase she wanted to talk to me.
she said she was looking forward to me coming up this weekend (hadn't said that before).
we skyped and "hung out" and watched the lost premiere for an hour and a half.
so it was pretty amazing in some ways. she said she is still unsure if this is for real and half expects me to go back to being the way I was tomorrow... of course I will not.
is this the crack of daylight I have been waiting for? I don't know. for the first time I felt some real sincerity coming through there. I saw her old eyes. She said some things she hasn't said...
so I will stay grounded, stay cool... its interesting. I'm actually not jumping up and down with joy or anything because its like I am such a beat dog that I don't know how to feel that way yet. but the flicker of hope is a dangerous thing I feel in some ways...
