I asked him to take over my role of praying for my wife so I can let her go, I handed him the tatered prayer I have kept in my pocket since 7/14/09 and he gladly accepted.
I took my wedding ring off.I put it in a sealed envelope with a Thank You note written to God. I had written the note months ago and unsealed it briefly, didn't read what I had written, I can tell you, I don't remember what I had written, just dropped the ring in it and resealed the envelope. I don't care if you think it's corny, I know the Lord is in my life, the card is addressed to him.
You do whatever it takes to move forward and no this isn't corny.
Quote:
I slept in a bed last night for the first time since 7/13/09 and I slept until 1:10 this afternoon, I went to bed before midnight last night.I didn't sleep that long because of depression, guys I'm just tired, mentally, physically beat and those thumps in the chest and the pushing me to my car for all to see and not a thing i could do about it, just finished me, i have no respect, no trust, no feeling towards her right now.Nothing.
This tired, beat down feeling comes from getting caught up in her drama and not taking care of you. This is the first time you actually slept in your bed since July?
One way or another you have to accept that all you can do is take care of you. Place your focus on you and the kids. Forget your W for now, she isn't the same person.
Do you understand why we have all been telling you to focus on you now?
Quote:
She texted me last night to leave her alone, all i could text back is you are alone.
STOP RESPONDING TO THIS SH*T. She is pushing your buttons and YOU ARE LETTING HER.
What happened to moving forward? ....changing?
Sorry... this is the same.
Ignore this crap, only respond to her when you absolutely have to.
It's your job to be their shield from all of this.
As hard as it is, you can't let them see you down and suffering and if your children don't motivate you to change, then I have no idea what will.
If you stay on this path of constantly getting caught up in your w's drama you will continue you to feel beat down, drain and depressed. One way or another I hope you will learn.
Much of the advice that has been given to you seems to fall on deaf ears. I could have copied and pasted the same advice given to you months ago and it still would apply here.
When are you going to do something different?
I'm sorry if this upsets you, but I care enough about you that it pains me to see you struggle.
Hey the kids didn't see a beat up depressed guy, they saw me take it, not say anything and move on, took son to the bowling alley and d to taco bell.
my kids got a tough dad.
I'm good, don't wish me all the best, I'm not recreating anything, I'm creating something.
logged on to hear from you guys, just spent an hour reading pages and pages of things i had printed off, looked at every mistake i had made thru this.
I'm going to be a good man, no doubt about that, it's sunday at noon, son's happy, haven't texted D this wkend, she can come to me and no contact, hardly a thought about the nut.
i had been punishing myself, by not sleeping in a bed, felt like i didn't deserve it, was depressed, shoot i'm gaining my weight back and looking healthy.
looking out for kids brought the fight to her, she just doesn't know it, but like months ago, she needs to learn to pull her big girl pants on, i'm not a sugar daddy and there are consequences to what she is doing, just as there have been consequences for what i have done.
Months ago, i was not ready to listen, i had put my faith in an old spouse and what she had said, tricked myself and felt she would come around.
what choice do i have really, listen she was really in my mind and heart, i didn't need her to make me happy, but i needed her.
i have tried to fix things for her our entire marriage, i didn't do a good job listening and my heart was to broken i was too depressed and thought just like someone that files divorce, theirs will be different, i thought by showing her how much i care, etc i could be the magic pill.
i am in a much better place than i was in september, i am in a much better place than i was yesterday.
it sux, but there have definately been some positives.
i bought a voice recorder, i am going to tell my story to myself, come clean on everything, purge my soul on every misdeed or good deed i did.
i may keep it for my kids later in life, but i've allowed others perceptions of me to be my reality.
time to move from that dependency to individuality, then maybe relationships will be better.
got all the knowledge, just need to start pushing through.
trapt, i'm not going to be in the car business much longer, my friends at the dealership are flipping me to something more along my strenghts but are going to pay me.
i'm going to be working for a non-profit group and helping families.
i need a break from the store, they have been awful harsh, because like you saying i haven't listened, they didn't like the time it took for me to turn the corner. they joked too much about circus music. i wasn't a nut, i was heartbroken.
well i have a good heart, the owner my best friend knows that and i also need to get away from him,, he was such an influence i handled a lot of my marriage how he handles his, it works for his wife that wants stuff. my wife and kids wanted a dad in a good mood, not stressed and someone that did, not bought.
can't control wife, but kids are going to have a dad that lives not watches anymore.
The other night, I was picking up kids and there was a pile of stuff in the garage, my stuff, from under our bed.
In that stuff was a legal pad i used to keep that i had written my goals on 3 yrs ago.
Everything from Disney to paying off wife's student loan,cc's,getting her a car,stuff around the house.
Guys I accomplished everything, everything on that list before she filed divorce.
I mentioned to her, look at that list sometime, we accomplished everything but the trip to hawaii on that list.
which btw the trip to hawaii was booked in early august, so was a trip to the bahamas in december.
she stopped those two goals, but they were booked.
i feel good about the fact that let's say instead of a divorce someone had looked at that list at say my funeral.
kids,a loving wife and friends would've said, look at that he accomplished everything he had written down.
I did.
Time to start a new goal list. I finished those goals before she filed, i feel good about that and no regrets on that either.
in the 19 yrs we were together from 7/7/07 to 6/14/09, that was the best time of our marriage and the best time for our family, we went on vacations, we did stuff, i coached, i was extremely happy, i was getting out of the car business in august she knew that, got us to a point financially.
AYK- It does seem looking back that things in our marriages might have been really great from our perspective..right up until the bomb was dropped.
You've posted a lot... so just some thoughts...Putting things into perspective or a timeline can be helpful to look at your marriage more objectively..but don't stop there. Really look at what was good that you contributed and what was not-so-good and start there to work on yourself.
Quote:
I'm going to be a good man, no doubt about that, it's sunday at noon, son's happy, haven't texted D this wkend, she can come to me and no contact, hardly a thought about the nut.
Just because you don't hear from your kids(D) when they aren't with you, doesn't mean you can't text them a "I'm thinking of you" or "Miss you" or "How's your day going?" ..just a little something to let them know you are thinking about them when you aren't with them...it'll keep the lines open for when they are ready for more communication. Don't go dim/dark on the kids...the need to know you are there 24/ for them...figure out a way to show them that.
At some point, hopefully, the thoughts of your wife will become less consuming..the focus in your head will be more on you and what you need to do and where you want to go/be in the future..what kind of life do YOU want? and how do you get it? Its a mental shift..doesn't happen overnight(at least not for me)..but work on it daily and it will come.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Some rough times since the last time I visited. I am sure you have heard of tough love and consequences of decisions. Maybe treat your daughter in the same context. It appears that you canceled plans to going skiing because your daughter had a little fit. Why did you do that? I would think the sting of seeing her brother having a fun weekend of skiing with you might have had a better affect than standing your ground.
ON a parenting board I had a mom tell me "reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior unless it is life threatening". When children see that good behavior is rewarded....they too want that reward. So will change their behavior accordingly.
Think about that one....you gave your daughter all the power when you thought that by making demands you had the power. Sometimes when walking quietly the biggest stick isn't always used as punishment.
Funny not because I had any cards,I don't even know how to play, po'd some people.
Had fun telling one guy that went off on me, compared to my wife u don't have s**t so shut the you know what up and get over your bad beat. People would bet and I'd follow, guys I can't even hardly shuffle. I just wasn't going to be intimidated. Why can't I be that way with wife?
Got to thinking on this divorce, I've let my wife know alittle too much,now any day now she's going to get the motion on selling the house, which between us, I'll live in a tent before the kids loose the house, even though that might get wife away from the om (neighbor):)
I've given her bits and pieces on what's in the motion.
Guys do I treat her like an adult and go full bore after her, don't think it would be a fair fight?
She must've forgotten beating me up on Friday, we actually had a smoke together in the garage last night, now she berated me, but no swear words.It isn't her, could feel the heat and her cheeks were bright red, she was not relaxed at all and her eyes, there is something about her eyes. Why don't others see it?
Work told me they changed their idea, so I'm stuck in the car business. Fine I told them, pay me alittle, let me be free, gave them and wife too much for 15 yrs, I'm going to have a life.
My add lady called she said i need to get on med's, she's just like the atty last wk, I am in the top 10.Now I don't have ADHD, but ADD and if I here random one more f'ing time, do you really think I plan to be impulsive?
It's funny when your successful no one gives a dang how you act, be crushed and they pile on, like I didn't already feel bad enough about myself.
Texted wife too many times today, not about Relationship stuff, just on splitting bills and things.
Told her we can get Divorce final we have court next week, she didn't know anything about it.
Told her I had filed a motion, did not mention the house part and yes I bold faced lied on some of what was in the motion. Told her motion included parenting,counseling,communication between us. She told me to save the money, that we communicate fine, my gut told me she and D are nervous. She thinks the counseling is for d and an add therapist, no flipping way, d has no feelings, has been called a slut and drug addict by her mother.
I do get the superbowl with son, thanked her for that and for the cigarette.Noticed she recycles now, offered to recycle with her and split bill, she used some lame excuse it was already full, no poop, i put something in it and it's full of the neighbors beer cans. If i could legally kick his butt, man I would. He's taking advantage.
Thing is she knows she has me wrapped around her finger,my head was down most of the conversation in the garage. Wife did ask in garage how we were going to handle taxes, told her i got it, I got a credit card I'll pay the taxes, she said great we're right back to where we were, too funny, if she didn't go nuts and spend the money, I had the money to pay taxes, asked her to call family doctor and get what we spent in deductables and I'd call the marriage cnslr, etc. Told her sales tax on her new car was deductable and she said she knew my butt, she followed that up with we going to the stupid lady been using forever.
Funny the lady is stupid, but wife insisted we use her for yrs.
I am going to end up broke when this deal is over, so I get heartbroken and broke, kids when convenient. Good deal.
Didn't tell you, D ended up staying with a friends over the wkend. MY WEEKEND. It's all I can do, not to have the gloves come off with her and when I see the kids.
D is going to go to an ADD therapist on Thursday,wife set the visit, of course said I took too long, bs, asked since July, but wife left it up to D, D and I have been talking for mo's and D finally said dad we are a lot alike, maybe I do have ADD. I'm not going to the visit, I talked to her guy on the phone, told him I took the tests, by 3 different pro's and yes I've got it and bad.Was alittle ticked that I've been going to July, been asking to take D and she sets a visit with someother guy.
But hey wife doesn't believe I have add either, thinks I'm just a loose,self centered, generous cannon? How can you be self centered and generous at the same time?
ALL THIS BS I've been typing, boils down to this, I want to stay married, I love my wife, I want to take all the pain away and if she was sane we wouldn't be in this boat.
