Found apt. Thursday. Tell H., talk for about 10 minutes, he leaves to go to hockey game. Also mention I am meeting w/L about financial aspects of D. Tell H. he is free to join me. H says 'won't that be weird?'. Ask for clarification, H. means in the sense of won't L think it's weird. Tell H. that L would be my employee, and as such, don't care much if L thinks it weird. H. tells me he is going to see L about 'financial aspects' - not about getting his D rolling, about the $$$.
When H. comes home & goes to bed Thursday night, I give him a hug. H. pulls me really tight, doesn't let me go, try to pull away, but H. won't let go. I pull away first. Dog freaks out; she seems really affected by the tension between us.
Get up Friday, H. leaves 30 mins. before I do to go to laundromat. Go to see L, get stuck w/paralegal who 'sorta' answers my questions. The only way to get more solid, concrete answers requires $$$ that I really don't have.
H. avoids me all day Saturday until I leave for work. H. leaves for band practice on Sunday & stays out until I go to work. Monday, H. spends day sequestered in office, door shut.
Today I put down payment on apt. Get home & H. is in living room. Tell H. we need to discuss practical matters regarding finances. H. then tells me that I think H. is incapable of making good financial judgement [true, have said in past]. The mortgage is doable w/both of our salaries. H. currently not working; have voiced concerns over losing house. Neither one of us can afford this place alone, but H. has a better shot at it. H. also tells me I think he is a 'scumbag' - never, ever said.
Tell H. that reading my mind and predicting the future will only drive him crazy. Tell H. if he wants to know something, to ask me. H. gets grumbly and says he doesn't want to know anything.
H. starts R/M talk again. H. says 'I never, ever wanted this' [referring to D]. I say 'I don't want this either'. H. says 'I don't want this; I have to do this'.
Say to him that when I was seriously wanting to end M, I asked him to go see MC. H. told me no. After H. said he wanted D, I asked again. Still said no. Set up appt. for MC, 2 mos. later, asked H. to go, again H. said no.
Am confused. H. keeps saying this (D) isn't what he wants, but he wants D. He finally scheduled appt. w/L for the morning. He's said he wanted D. 5 mos. ago, and now he's finally seeing L.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
