Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[MHL]

Okay Everyone,
This is going to be a long one, I am warning you now.

Had a huge relationship talk with my wife tonight, while I don’t think this was a turning point it is the most I have spoken with my wife in a long time and we successfully talked about the past without getting upset. I did not talk about the affairs, only reference “things that have happened in the last 8 months. My wife shared her “feelings” with me which she hasn’t done for a very long time even before the nightmare.

This started because my S9 stayed home from school today and I needed to go to work, he actually wasn’t feeling good last night and he missed his mom so I called her and unbelievably she agreed to come and get him and he spent the night with her last night. They spent the whole day together which was great for him and for her. I am not sure but I think she is starting to reconnect with him and wants to reconnect with D13. When it was time for him to come home, he was very upset and my W said to give him Benadryl to make him sleep and that she was going to seek counseling for him too. D13 is seeing someone now. I was mad at first, did not show it, I was thinking that all my W wants to do is have someone else fix her problems that she created.

When we got home S9 broke down with me and said he was scared that mom was never coming home. I asked what she told him and he said that she said,

“The reason I am not coming home is not because I do not want to come home to you and D13”.

A very confusing statement to a 9 year old. I talked to him more but he was still very upset, I called W to find out exactly what she said to him.

M: Hey, S9 is pretty upset, what did you say to him tonight? (very calm voice, caring almost)
W: I told him that the reason I am not coming home is not because I do not want to come home to him and D13. (same thing S9 said)
M: He doesn’t really understand that, he wants to know if you are coming back or not.
W: I want to come back to him and D13, but you make me look like the bad guy when you pray for me to come home every night.
M: S9 prays for you to come home, not me.
W: Still you make me look like the bad guy.
M: I understand how you would feel that way, what else makes you feel like that?
W: S9 keeps saying that you have changed when I tell him that you and I don’t get along when we are together. You keep telling him to tell me that you have changed, that you don’t get mad anymore.
M: I have changed, I hope that you have noticed the changes in me. The kids have but I have not changed for you or even them, I have changed for me.
W: Do you see why I have a hard time believing you?
M: Yes…………I don’t think I really ever grew up until a couple of months ago. I mean I have been a child and acting like a child for over 20 years. I think that I was still a child when and threw a fit on June 30, July 1 2009 (EA/PA Bomb) and then started my journey to where I am today. November 2009 was like my final adolescent years and after that I have grown so much personally that you would not know me. It is true, I have changed, I am happy with me finally and I don’t get mad anymore.
W: Why did you say what you did in the counseling session 2 weeks ago? (Stated that I was done and handed back my ring see my short thread on the counseling session, go to page 2 to see what I said http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...940#Post1913940 )
M: Have you ever thought something one day and was absolutely convinced that was the way you would feel forever and then the next day you can’t even remember why you even thought that? (To the wise Jedi DBer out there, you know who you are, sorry I plagiarized but it worked, thanks) That is how I felt that day but I still believe in us and I still would like us to work, but if we don’t then I will still be happy and I will be okay, and I hope you will be happy too.
W: If I were to come back it would be for the wrong reasons.
M: Do you ever remember me saying, the reasons people first get together are not the same reasons they stay together.
W: Yes. But I would be doing it for the kids.
M: I understand your fear of not being happy or having to sacrifice being happy just to be with the kids.
W: I want to be a Mother again.
M: You will always be their mother, but I understand you want to do the things that make you feel like a mother.
W: Yes, but D13 hates me, it will never happen.
M: I have been trying to teach her the gift of forgiveness, it is a gift you give to yourself. She is much more mature than you know and I am not just saying that because of the things she knows. She understands relationships much more than you and I think maybe even better, she doesn’t understand time though. D13 thinks in terms of weeks and I used to also but know I think in terms of years. It will take time but you and her will have a R and it will be better than before.
W: But I can’t afford a place of my own and even if I could I would have to work all the time and I would not be able to see them.
M: I know……….Have you ever thought about working on us again? I still value the idea of having a family and the kids having both their parents together. That is the dream isn’t it?
W: Yes…..but we are not the same people we were when we met back in Raleigh, it wouldn’t be like that. (MLCer wanting it to be fun again)
M: I know that,……… It can be better……… but I know that is hard to see especially when you do not have those types of feelings for the man you would be with. Can I read you something that I read in a book?
W: Yes
M: Love is a choice. You can love your spouse in spite of what he/she has done or failed to do. You can love your spouse in spite of your feelings. You may feel hurt, rejected, lonely, angry, frustrated, hostile, and any number of negative emotions and yet chose to love your spouse. “Gary Chapman: Hope for the Separated”. (wife’s name), the “in Love” feelings come later, and they are even better than before.
W: I haven’t read all the books you have read, I feel like I still have to work on me. I lost me somewhere along the way. I am a mother but I want to remember what it is like to be me. My father used to treat me so bad and control me and when I went off to college I was so happy, that is why I love my sorority sisters so much because I was finally me. Then I met you and you are just like my father.
M: Yes, I know. I tried to control you didn’t I.
W: Yes
M: We both have unresolved issues from our childhood and we brought them to our marriage. I didn’t have my needs met as a child and when my needs or wants weren’t getting met as a man/husband I didn’t tell you, I was afraid. (told her about No More Mr. Nice Guy) I know it is okay to have wants and needs and it is okay to say “my needs aren’t getting met”
W: My needs weren’t getting met either, but I just blew up at you (now she is crying).
M: It is okay, that is why we are where we are at.
W: I still need to work on me and I am getting tired, I did not get much sleep last night b/c of S9.
M: Okay, can we talk again sometime?
W: Can I think about it?
M: Yes……..I want you to know that you are worth waiting for while you work on you. (Sorry wise Jedi Dber, I stole your words again, you need to be on retainer with Michele)
W: Thanks
M: Goodnight
W:Goodnight

There was more said but that was the high points, I know she stuck her head out of the tunnel for bit and my expectations are absolutely zero. We had a little conversation about the ongoing separation agreement and out lawyers, also talked about my job opportunity tomorrow. We talked a little more in depth about our childhoods and how we treated each other over the last 16 years.

I validated and validate and validated some more, I validated so much I felt like a parking lot attendant. I did not mention anything about the multiple affairs or how she is messing up the kids, nothing negative about her what so ever. The funny thing is that it was not that hard once we got going and my frame of mind was set.

I will say this, the conversation took place over 2 phone calls. We spoke for about 5 minutes and S9 came in and wanted me to tuck him in, this was perfect b/c it gave me a chance to say a prayer with S9 and again before I called her back. I also grabbed a couple of the books I have read and flipped through and reread some of the sections I highlighted. When I called her back we spoke for about 45 minutes and I stopped short of mentioning Retrouville. I think it is premature but will see what happens if we continue to have these conversations.

I know I shouldn’t be jumping forums but I have come to realize that my Wife is in a MLC. I need to seek advice here as I clearly recognize some of the stages of MLC she has experienced, just not so sure where she is now but I think my treatment is the same no matter what, it just helps me with the patience thing if I know or can make an educated guess.

To the wise Jedi Dber out there on Hoth, I appreciate you keeping it “real” for me.