So I posted before but I want to recap my history of how I got to where I am now. My husband of 8 yrs says to me in Sept 2009 that he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore. We have two boys ages 8 and 4. We are still living in the same house. He has been keeping to himself and I have been trying to move on with my life as far as being happy with who I am and going out and doing things I haven’t done in forever that make me happy. So I am changing in that respect and LOVE IT! So a week or so ago he texts me he loves me, something I haven’t seen or heard in at least 5 months. And that he isn’t ready to give up on us and we are worth fighting for. Then the next day he says he is sorry but that he just had a brief moment where he thought he missed me but the things he said weren’t true. So we go back to figuring out where to go next with separation etc…He started staying at a friends house about 5 days ago at night after the kids go to bed. Last night he comes home at 11:00 p.m. and wakes me up and says he loves me and isn’t giving up on us. So you guessed it today I get a text that “I am extremely depressed” and “I just think that you deserve better then me. I’m confused on where I should be. I don’t even like myself.” He tells me this and that he doesn’t have anymore left to give me. All that we talked about last night doesn’t matter he is out the door is what he said to me….really??? What the heck is going on, anyone please help!
Does he have a history of depression? Many on this board get the ILYBNILWY speech when a spouse gets depressed or wants out because of an affair, emotional or physical. Your H sounds very confused. I would not take any of what he has said recently as the final word on anything. Sounds like he is on a rollercoaster. If by "keeping to himself" you mean isolating and seeing barely anyone, he sounds depressed. Will he consider going to individual or marriage counseling to help him sort out his confusion?
I just read your earlier posts about the EA. If that is now resolved, next time he comes around wanting to get back together, tell him you will make a MC appointment. Is there a way you can suggest IC in a non-judgmental way? If he says he's extremely depressed and doesn't like himself, you can't fix that for him.
Sometimes depressed people think they fall in love when they're just desperate and unhappy and looking for a self esteem boost. Maybe that's what happened with his weird softball EA. Now he's realized it wasn't real, and that he's made a mess of his life because of his moods. Regardless, it still brings you back to: and what is he going to do about it? You can't fix it for him if you wanted to because you are not in his mind and you don't own his problem. All you could possibly do is buy him a self help book or kindly suggest he get counseling assistance for himself. You literally can't fix his feeling crazy and like a loser.
Yea that was a bunch of bull that EA, I am really close to his cousin who is one of my best friends and he talks to her as well as I talk to her and she said there was nothing, I know what you are thinking but I am the only one that knows for sure and can say I truly believe her. He is just so back and forth all the time. He says I deserve better then the next day he is I love you, I dont want to let you go. Last night he was holding me and caressing my hair in a way that I know he cared it wasnt just doing it to get some I could tell he felt something for me. These are his words "If I didn't care or still love you I wouldnt have come back over here or wouldnt be so upset about all of this."??? I am just about ready to say see ya later
Well, you have a right not to go on his emotional rollercoaster with him. Can you just see him occasionally outside of your house for lunch or coffee until he gets his emotions sorted out? That way you can have positive contact but he won't be getting your hopes up and comforting himself just enough not to go get help for his mood and confusion problem. It sounds very stressful the way it is with him popping up in your house like that.
Oh also he acts so depressed when I saw him today. His face was so sad and his body was lagging. I didnt pity him or beg him, I am past that point in my life after sould searching for myself and finally loving myself and wanting to be happy! He also asked me why last night I let him leave to stay at his friends house instead of stopping him?
I wouldn't listen to all that "you deserve better than me" poor, pitiful stuff. That's for you to decide, not him. And why should he be fishing for reassurance when he has offered you none. If you're willing to consider taking him back, set some small goals. Like him coming around and acting normal occasionally or getting help or whatever.
Whether it would come across as judgemental or not, I would suggest setting up a boundary that he needs to get help (e.g. IC) and sort himself out before the 2 of you can commit to working on your M.
Keeping that positive contact rr22 mentions could help keep things togetehr in the short term I guess.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
