Dale, I'm still working from your first post. I'll continue from where I left off (half-way through Jan 29)
This is still day 14 from when she left. Something went wrong and she tells you the following in the 30 minute conversation:
1) She has had an 'epiphany' of sorts and her 'fantasy' fell apart. --> We can deduce that her bubble has been popped. For whatever reason her dreams have been smashed against the rocks.
2) She STILL thinks that you need to separate. --> So... she is NOT coming back to you. She is coming back to her 'own' life and where she intends to give you a 'test drive' before she can make up her mind to settle for you or look for another fantasy.
3) She tells you that if you get served D papers to ignore them. --> Point 2 above still applies. Here's another fact for you: She filed for D before she left because she was so dead-set on starting her new life with OM. Now that somethings gone awry she decides that some damage control is in order. That brings about the following question: Do you comply? I can't answer that question for you and I have no advice to give you on that one. What you can do is check online to see if a D has indeed been filed -- and check the date of filing. This will give you some answers.
4) She decides D isn't the answer anymore. --> But neither is reconciliation because she isn't sure of what (read as who) she wants anymore. You complied by agreeing with her. And that is not necessarily a bad thing because this is what we are working towards: BUSTING YOUR DIVORCE and giving you the best shot at COMMITTING to the M. Once that "buy-in" is received you can move forward to rebuilding your relationship.
The best thing you could have said to her at that point was that you did say: "I understood she had a lot to think about, that I did too." That was an important milestone! That you needed to think about it! VERY GOOD. This is what earned you a phone call three days later.
Feb 1: Your indecision has spurned her into some sort of action to get back home. Only problem is: money is tight. In order to deflect further questioning and to get back into your good graces she asks you if there is anything she can do for you wherever she is until she comes back. Additionally she decides to make a nice gesture... for you to meet her in Miami and drive back for a wonderful week with your grandson.
Now the reasons for this could be:
1) She wants to see how compliant you still are. 2) With grandson in the way she can find excuses to avoid talking to you by fussing over the baby... and he's a convenient excuse to keep busy when she gets back.
That ends my analysis of your first post. Could you look at it and tell me what you think? Can you pick out what you think could be done?
Also: I know you cut her spending, so I have one question for you: Where is the money coming from?
I'll read your further updates now and see what else I can pick up. Oh, and I encourage you to read up on my situation to know my background. There a few posts in it that could help you with your mindset too.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Well, I'll like to chip in to say that I believe everyone has the best interests of marriages at heart here, even if we disagree at times on the best way forward.
There are some who do need lots of "unconditional love", particularly if they felt that was what was missing in the M. But human nature is such that people often need a catalyst for change, or to snap them out of a fog.
I'm a strong, strong believer in Retrouvaille. Wouldn't be where I am without it. Even there, they do stress that couples coming in must want to work at the M and that all As must have ceased. I would say that's where tough love and DB principles may help.
You're right about the mutual respect thing CGU; right now it's on your part of the scale that needs some balancing it seems.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Dumb A$$ helper. Forgot which truck he was in. Put Diesel in a gas truck. Had to take trailer, pick it up, drop it at the yard. More to deal with tomorrow.
Will read through your "Wish list". Get back to you.
You seem to have a unique insight. Wish I could fill in all the litle things in between, so you had a complete picture, instead of just the highlights. Would like to have your opinion on other things she has said, and done.
One hit my mind today. When she had called, talked for 30 minutes. She had said, almost causualy, "don't know if you can forgive me" and was going on, but I had cut her off and said "I don't know if I can either". Thats when she threw in that "maybe we need to be seperate for a while, but I know D isn't the right way."
She had said, almost causualy, "don't know if you can forgive me" and was going on, but I had cut her off and said "I don't know if I can either".
That could mean anything. Don't read too much into it right now. There are 1000 things I want to tell you but it takes so much time to type it all out and to get it to make sense.
This is the reason I do not participate in too many threads on the board. I like to read every word in every post in someone's thread so that I can provide as much information as possible.
G Never messed w/FB, how is that easier, and, or faster.
Want to know the first 999 asap.
Still studying Part 3. So far just read through. Hardest part I see is not only forming a set plan, but staying with it 120% so it don't snap back in my face.
$ She gets some from her mother, or if her father sends her to get something, she treats herself, or just gets a couple $100 gift cards. She always has several in her purse. Her dad is a retired navy engineer, then retired as Dean of engineering at a col.
Today W had called 5 times, between 9:30 to 1:37, no mess. Left my cell at office.
3:30 W catches me off guard, called on work cell.[She's not supposed to call that phone, it's bus.] I answered that phone automatically. W did have a ligit question about D19. After I gave her a solution, she hesitated. So I said "Hey, I'm busy, any thing else?" W "I guess not, bye"
When I picked up my cell on the way in it shows 5 more missed between 5:30 and 9:15. no mess. Whatever W is wanting to say, she don't want to say to a machine.!
Thanks again G. Back to making my list from what you sent.
There is nothing easier or better about FB, but it is commonly referred to as the "alt" on DB. The one advantage that it does provide is a way to keep in touch with friends long after people leave the forum.
It is important to have a plan... there is one thing though... a plan is never "set". Think of it as a general outline or a rough draft of what you're heading for. It can also be a checklist. The plan I drew up for myself looked more like a flowchart of "IF... THEN... ELSE..." for different phases.
Where a plan helped me was keep me in check to not react. I was prepared for a lot of the different twists and turns in the plot -- and I drew up my plan when I was in a "logical" state of mind. It still keeps me on the "straight and narrow" during the emotional moodswings.
The next thing... you need list out your requirements for how you wish to be treated by your W. What is acceptable and not acceptable behavior. From there you will draw up your boundaries with consequences when they are crossed. Boundaries are personal and they relate to you.
So... 11 missed phone calls today... and not one message. Tomorrow give her a call to see if there is anything important she needs to discuss.
You can tell her you saw the missed calls and you left your phone at home. When you saw the phone it was too late to call back. Be polite like you're talking to a friend. If the conversation heads into R talk or her returning, politely inform her that you're busy and will call her back when you're free.
EDIT: Once again it is getting late again. I want to re-read the rest of your posts and provide feedback on those too. From what I've seen you're handling yourself well and have responded very well to her so far.
