OK dear you helped me last weekend, now we're going to help you. Deep breath, remember?
GIVE IT 24/48 HRS. Saying nothing was good. You're likely to blow your top and this won't help. You may or may not want to say it again - but you must wait until ODP kicks in more and it will because you've come so far.
It must be harder to have the distance now to cool down, I know if my H were back home and in my face I'd be way more tempted to blow up. But you must practice this because it is your new way of life.
Yes it's disrespectful, yes you've already said it's a dealbreaker. He knows that. But you can't bun fight him or the topic will switch to your behavior, not his.
So you did great getting some space and not being too affectionate, and going to bed. Spend time alone, call a friend, ride your horse, write in a journal or on here....do what you can to soothe your own pain.
What boundary did you set? What did you say the consequence would be if he's not transparent? AFter you calm down and wait the 24/48 hrs, you must state the boundary again and the consequence. H may not believe you, may ignore you, but it's all tests. It's all tests to see if he can cause Rabbit to bun fight him. He is operating out of your old pattern and you must be the strong one to lead the new pattern of relating.
I would do the boundary exercise that folks on here suggest - "When you do _______________, I feel ______________, and when you do it I will do ______________.
Then the hard part - you have to do that last bit.
I'm sorry. I never had OP involved or needing transparency because of PA/EAs so I don't think I have anything helpful to add to that.
The thing that stands out to me though is that I think you should have been honest with him when he asked if you were annoyed with him. Even if it was to say "yes, but can I sleep on it so I talk with you calmly and rationally about it another time?" You know you're mad and he knows you're upset about something, so denying it isn't helping. You're expecting honesty from him but you're not exactly setting a good example either (even though they're two different issues...). You did do good by taking some time to calm down though.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
That he could remain friends with my sister if he was transparent about what he was doing and also that she was friends with both of us (knew the last bit would be the hard bit as I know she doesnt want to be, she has had plenty of opportunity in the last month after speaking when my parents were ill)
rr22 yes sister is a big pot stirrer and has treated me badly in the past. Has not been speaking to me for the last five years except when she has to at family occasions. I know that she wishes she had got to H before he met me! Its not him I dont trust.
Hope yes I thought the best thing was to step aside and try and get my head round what I wanted to do! Trouble is I dont know what consequence to apply to the boundary feeling a bit powerless on this one,
Addie its hard isnt it, its disrespectful but you feel that push it will just blow up in your face and apart from that and him needing a job things are good.. If it was as simple as him leaving his socks on the floor I could live with it lol!
Freckle totally agree with you on the honesty, and if it had been any other subject I would have been honest, but this one keeps coming back up and he digs his heels in like a spoilt child being told he cant be friends with someone. It was just more of a case of I didnt want to do the same old thing again cos it got me no where.
I went to bed, took my laptop with me to give some sense of me wanting to do something alone that he couldnt see, and put my laptop down when he came up, he put his PJ's on but when I asked if he was cold he said no, so they were just a barrier.. I then asked where something was and apparently it has become his rather than ours, to be fair it was his present but we had shared, so I went off to use something else and came to bed muttering I'd have to buy my own one. Wouldnt cuddle me and didnt want a cuddle when I offered, so I went to sleep. This morning he gave me a cuddle and then eventually a kiss, I know its mind reading but it obviously annoyed him but at the same time he is struggling with disrespecting me, I should hope lol!
Thanks for all the advice girls think this one is going to come up again!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Does sister possibly feel that she is keeping up with you by keeping up with H? Cake eating by having a relationship with you by proxy? She likely has some feelings about the fact that you two aren't communicating. Just a thought. I have no clue if she's husband stealing or trying to keep up with you by going the lazy way around or what.
No sister isnt keeping in touch via proxy. This is more a flouting of boundaries from H. Sister would be enjoying the fact that she is coming between us, if she realises that is what she is doing, I dont know what H has told her. I did ask he didnt discuss our marriage problems with her, but I just dont know and it eats away at me that he is content doing something I hate and doesnt seem to care.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Ok, you're still seething. Hang on another 24 hrs before deciding what to say to him. If he's flaunting, he's expecting a bun fight. That's not what you want, you want him to hear and respect you. So ignore the flaunting. If he can't get a rise out of you by playing games, you're on a more mature playing field.
It's like my H flaunting how busy he was this weekend but hiding what he was doing. He was testing me. I didn't rise to the bait.
But you do have every right to feel hurt. It's hurtful. It's rude and immature. And so soon after coming home. But you must show him you're not going to have a tantrum, but you are also not going to accept secrets. Tomorrow you can calmly but firmly remind him of your agreement and that you fully expect him to keep it up. If he doesn't, you will look into _________ whatever it is.
You have time to decide what the boundary will be. What will it be?
Look at it like how you would handle a child - keep those boundaries firm without showing he got to you.
You can do it! Maybe initially you should write out here what you are going to say to him so we can support you.
Hey LR-just checking in with you and see all of this! I agree with H4L about waiting and then decide how to talk with him. I sure hope this one gets figured out soon for you.
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
