The fog is real. When you're involved with the OP, that fantasy you've crafted is reality. And you draw away from or attack anyone and anything that threatens to pop the soap bubble you live in.
My moments of clarity are strongly tied to my bipolar disorder. So this may be a somewhat a-typical occurrence; I don't know. Brief explanation for anyone unfamiliar with the disorder - bipolar individuals vacillate between extreme highs in which they are bubbly, energetic, impulsive, reckless, and frequently hyper-sexual and massive lows in which they experience overwhelming fatigue, depression, helplessness, and even suicidal thoughts or attempts. Both mania and depression are characterized by hallucinations and/or delusions.
And every once in a blue moon someone like me (bipolar) gets a brief flash of sanity...a few hours or maybe a few days before the vicious roller coaster starts up again. It's a very frightening disorder, and I am unusual in the fact that I noticed the problem and was able to seek assistance for myself.
In the times when my mind was quiet, I could see that a R with my ex OM was never going to work, and that my H was trying to love me the best he could. But these times never lasted long enough for me to consider changing what I was doing. As I say, the clarity only lasted (for me) for a matter of hours or days. I occasionally wonder (idly for it has no bearing on the future really) if I actually triggered the return of mania or depression because I couldn't bear to admit that my fairytale life with my ex OM was a lie.
I never felt I deserved a reconciliation. I didn't question it when my H took me back after I got out of jail (and maybe I should have considering where I am now.) but I never felt entitled to return home and get my life back. For any WAS who might stumble upon this: You are not entitled to the forgiveness and reconciliation of your spouse! If they offer it, you'd better be thankful and not screw it up again!
And the only time I thought about reconciliation at all was when I hit rock bottom. And yes, at that point I figured it was way to late. What on earth did I have to offer my H? I had broken every promise I'd ever made to him, cost him a whole lot of money and grief, and was dependent upon him entirely. He had no reason to think I was coming back because I'd seen the light. I could just as easily have been trying to stabilize my life so I could return to the ex OM. He had to take my word for it that I wanted to come home. And I don't know why he did; I wouldn't have if I were him.
And now I do wonder why. Since it didn't really make sense for him to take me back, his current vicious assertion that he only wanted someone to take care of the boys, cook, clean the house, and make sure the bills got paid seems so much more likely. It wasn't logical to want me back as a wife, so I don't find it hard to believe that all he wanted was an assistant. And I know I shouldn't believe what he says - he's now the one reading a WAS lines right from the script. But I think that it is easier to believe his waffle because I never really understood why he took me back in the first place.
Sorry, all that probably belongs in my own thread.
Next question about having no respect for my H. I didn't think of him the way that it is described in the books, no. He never seemed weak or pathetic to me. He could be mean, or cold, or confused (that's how I saw it anyway), but I never thought his decision to keep trying was pathetic. Even in my fog, it was touching to me that he cared enough to want to try (so where is all that now? ) even though I thought he just needed to let go of what was gone.
There is no one thing my H did or said that helped bring me back. I had to get there when reality finally hit me. But there is one thing he said that I still carry with me, and I'd like all the LBS to keep it in mind. During one particularly nasty argument my H called me a slut. He wasn't wrong, but it still cuts me to this day. To think of the look on his face and the satisfaction of branding me that way brings tears to my eyes. I know that as a WAW I did things that were cruel and horrible. But please, as a LBS consider what your S will remember when the two of you reconcile as well. I'm not saying pander to them or tell them how wonderful they are right now. But please don't hurt your chances of making a better M once they come back. It would have hurt less if he had slapped me.
When my H decided to expose my A to my entire family and his (lot of gossips in our families so it wasn't hard) it didn't change my mind about ex OM. I was ticked off because my H was making my life more difficult, but that's about it. This, though, is going to be a lot more individual IMO. I had long since told my parents that H and I were failing (though not that it was because of an affair), and I was barely on speaking terms with his (check out my original thread if you want any more details on that one) so involving them was irritating rather than upsetting for me. As for friends, it was an interesting experience. I found some who were more than happy to stab me in the back and then commit the same crimes against their spouses. I found some who kept my secrets and their silence even though they thought I was wrong. I had some who felt I deserved to seek happiness with my ex OM and that my H hadn't deserved me. Sadly the last group includes people who were mutual friends of both my H and me. And today they are telling him the same thing - be happy with your OW because your wife is an evil harpy who never deserved you anyway.
What I didn't have was a single friend who said, "This is insane! What are you thinking?!!" Nobody noticed that my behavior was erratic and self-destructive. Not one person, even those who had known me most of my life, not one ever considered that I might need help. Please, pay attention to your family and friends. I'm not saying you can force someone to get help if they have a mental issue. But if you love them or care at all, make the effort. Because most of us who are trapped inside our own minds are not able to find our way out alone.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Wow, I found this very helpful. As for your last line- I noticed a quote on a web page "friends don't let friends divorce." That's exactly how I feel. You are very brave and I admire you for having learned from your experience and sharing it w/ those of us anxious to gain some perspective.
Undefeated - thank you so much for your insight. My H of 13 years and T 21yrs left 7 months ago and I have really battled with understaning his decision. Your post has certainly shed some light onto why he would have made such a harsh and devastating decision.
Hope you are okay.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
thank you all so far for responding and i am sorry all you(me too) are going through this pain. I am having trouble sleeping, worried and it's been going on for over a year and a half. I am faced at this time to try to save up money for filing the divorce papers myself. I do feel i need to break this holding pattern she has put me into and she has offered to sign whatever just to be rid of me. we'll see what happens I think my wife is headed for jail due to a warrent mabey thats her rock bottom but who knows. i keep praying and my thought and prayers are with you all. I did order the dvd from this site
Thanks, lea, I am doing pretty well right now. It's a day to day thing. I'm glad for all of you who have gained something from me. It is both my penance and my pleasure.
Fallen Knight, I can't say whether jail will affect her the same way it did me. Remember I was vulnerable in several other ways too. But one thought I do have - if she does go to jail, do not bail out your wife!
She will say anything you want to hear to get your help, and then will most likely disrespect you and go back to her old patterns of behavior. Honest remorse will not ask for anything. Someone who is truly contrite will believe they need to pay the price for their bad choices. If she says otherwise I'd tell her she can prove it to you when she gets out.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
WOW undefeated!!! thx for that posts. It is helpful to read from another perspective sometime. One thing you have said to me and that close family members (parents and husband's brother) have told me is that husband will not wake up or evaluate his decisions until he reaches rock bottom. that is a hard pill to swallow for someone that you love. also, i wish that all family and friends would be real with people and tell them when they need help instead of telling people what they want to hear. my MIL knows about most of the things my husband is doing and she just says that she is concerned about him but just thinks we should both do what makes us happy as individuals
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
"For any WAS who might stumble upon this: You are not entitled to the forgiveness and reconciliation of your spouse! If they offer it, you'd better be thankful and not screw it up again!"
Hmmm maybe we could give you our WASs phone numbers and you can call them with this message! LOL
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Perhaps I am a WAS, in that I'm the person who is initiating the divorce and am walking away from my marriage, although it was my husband who had an affair. He wants us to save our marriage. This might help spouses who were the cheaters but now want to reconcile and start again.
I don't know your spouse, but for me, cheating was the dealbreaker. Not only was it a dealbreaker, my stbx-H and I agreed that it would be deal breakers from the time we were dating up to throughout our marriage to now.
From my perspective, there is absolutely nothing he could do to make me change my mind. There is no "task" he could do - marital counseling, flowers, being remorseful, etc. - that would change my mind. He asked something once (paraphrasing): How sorry do I have to be to win you back?
The problem is that regret/remorse/changing himself is not the currency that would stop the D. It's just not relevant to this whole sad situation.
Like I put in another post, when he asks that makes as little sense as someone asking you "What car should I buy?" and someone answers "3:30pm."
I don't want to be a finger-wagger here, and there seems to be a lot of good advice. But I wanted to share my insight with those who might be in a similar situation and give my perspective.
) even though I thought he just needed to let go of what was gone.
It's a day to day thing. I'm glad for all of you who have gained something from me. It is both my penance and my pleasure.