Its not a new hobby he has been doing it for about six years now, he works on a restoration steam railway, full size steam trains. TBH its usually works well as I have madam and she takes up a fair bit of my time. Its not that I mind him doing things its just it was a bit too reminiscant of "I'll do what I want" boy even though I know it wasnt intended to be. He still hasnt put what he is doing on the calendar even though I have pointed him in that direction a couple of times.. I just want to arrange us time and I cant do that if I dont know when I can plan stuff with him!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Not really rr22, we usually just used to bimble along doing our own thing as we always went out together friday night. But its more hurtful because I suppose I wanted to feel that it was important to organise us time and at the first possible instance he went into man mode again!
Im not getting much in the way of him being sorry or him being glad to be back, perhaps I should have waited longer before letting him come back but what with the financial sitch and also xmas it didnt seem wrong, and it was staged back in as he finished other thing back at his old place.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Maybe once the pressure of the move back leaves in a week or so, he will be more emotionally available. Maybe he's in man mode because he feels like he's coming home with his tail between his legs and he needs time to forget that. I would be disappointed too if I were you, but maybe your hope was too rosy for where he is right now. Unfortunately.
Ugh, so sorry to hear about this - I believe this is why people keep insisting piecing is so hard. Don't we want to be swept off of our feet! Don't we want to dive back in! Don't we want the second honeymoon!
I'm sorry you aren't feeling the welcome you deserve - remember ODP and perhaps calmly express yourself to him one relaxing night and then leave it. You can let him know you were really hoping for a more romantic VD this year of all years after the pain you had to endure being left and all and that you really hoped he could understand your feelings on that.
And then drop it.
He's probably struggling with whatever conflict he has emotionally, like rr22 said perhaps shame over returning, over his bad behavior, over not having an income - I'm sure it feels quite insensitive to you and I know how it feels. But ask and listen - what he is feeling. Get him to open up if you can - by being supportive and calm, not ready to attack!!!!
Really p*ssed off tonight, I suppose I have chosen to ignore this boundary for a while to see if it would stop, but it seems that despite me setting the boundary of transparency about H's contact with my sister, he is continuing to do so on msn frequently. My boundary was that he should only maintain contact with her if she was going to be friends with both of us, knowing full well that is not her intention. H knows this too but is chosing to ignore this fact. Every time I have tried to tackle this one Im on to a losing battle as he is just ignoring me. In fact I left it for a while hoping that he would see that he wanted to be with me more than contacting her, but it seems that his idea of transparency is not to close the msn box at the bottom of his screen.
Tonight after not making it particuarly clear I had seen the msn box I pulled away, distancing myself and being less affectionate, mostly cos thats sensible and also because Im so furious that he is totally disrespecting me. He asked if I was annoyed with him and I suppose I could have taken the opportunity to say something but feel WHY do I bother if he cared he knows I want it to stop. I just said No, have you done anything that you think would upset me and he replied NO and Im sure he knows what he is doing.. Im now in bed I came up earlier before I say something I regret or he will ignore.
I just dont know what to do about this one but its becoming a dealbreaker due to the lack of respect he has for my request! Help folks what do I do?
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I'm certainly not the right person to be giving you advice on this issue (i.e. my thread title) because after almost 9 months that H has been back I still have no transparency from him even though I've requested it many times and it was a boundary I requested before he returned.
You cannot control what H does. All you can do is make a request again, let him know how it makes you feel that he continues the contact and then decide what you will do if he doesn't follow through with your wishes. How much of a dealbreaker is it for you or are you willing to live with it for the time being if he's showing positive signs in other areas and hope that he will come to understand your request as time goes on? Only you can answer how much of a dealbreaker this is for you.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
This is a very hard one. It IS disrespectful, yet you are feeding into his oppositional nature to go against him. Not to sound rude, but is this issue just that your sister is a pot stirrer who treats you poorly or is there some dating history in the deep past between she and your H?
If it is not EA, I would strongly consider backing off on this particular transparency issue for awhile. Try to give yourself at least 48 hours or more until you decide whether or not to open your mouth. But allowing your resentment to grow about it doesn't seem to be a good idea either. Ultimately (in a month or so?) it will have to be discussed again unless you can decide it is not a dealbreaker for you.
