#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[Ready2Change]

Do not send.

Boundary:

H, when you, speak to me in a harsh tone, I feel disrespected. I have decided that I will no longer tolerate anyone speaking to me like that. If you want to talk to me calmly, I will listen, otherwise there is no reason for me to listen to you.

I want you to write boundaries for the others, and post them here for our review.

[flowmom]

R2C, thanks for the example of boundary-setting. This is clearly not a forte for me.

I want you to write boundaries for the others, and post them here for our review.

H * constantly frowning at me
me: [ignore facial expressions]

H * making complaints about having to work for and pay for the things that our family needs
me: "I appreciate how hard you are working to support us. Is there something specific that you'd like to discuss about finances?"
[no response if he whines more]

H * avoiding speaking to me unless absolutely necessary
me: [can't really set a boundary here?]

H * making an argumentative comment to me while I'm on the phone with my mother
me: "If you have something to say to me, it can wait until after my phone call."

--

Sometimes I think he's trying to "bait" me, to see if he can get me to stop being nice, pleasant, nonreactive. I occasionally call him on things, but briefly and calmly.

[Ready2Change]

Have you read the boundaries thread?

Link to Boundaries Thread

[flowmom]

I made a GAL babystep today . I found out that a fellow consultant in my field is organizing a social night at a pub soon. I genuinely enjoy the folks in my field, but I don't get to see them much because I'm self-employed. I won't know most of the people but I will know some of them. In the past I would have skipped it because H has never put the kids to bed without my help. But now I'm GAL. I could be fun and good for business. But tonight I emailed him and asked him if he'd be willing to look after the kids that night. I didn't mention what event it was. I don't want it to look like a date, but OTOH, it's none of his business and he doesn't report his activities to me, so not sure how to handle that part. Curious to see how he responds.

[January girl]

Curious to see how he responds.

I'm curious too.

-JG

[flowmom]

Have you read the boundaries thread?

No, I haven't. I'll read it. H and I both have problems with boundary-setting...either not setting a boundary when we should, or setting a boundary in a harsh way that ends up triggering a defensive response.

Regarding H doing childcare so I could go to the event, he replied by email agreeing to do it, and expressing concern about putting my 3 yo to bed. I'm going to just have to be OK with them figuring it out together.

I'm going to a social event in the evening! Like a real grownup!

[CityGirl]

Very good on the night out!

I think it would be very good for you to read up on how and why it is necessary to set healthy boundaries in ANY R you are in. Without healthy boundaries a healthy R cannot exist.

And yes, it is up to your H to figure out the bed time routine with your son. While the two of you will always have to function as co-parents if you do divorce you will both also be acting as single parents and your H will have to learn how to handle all aspects of the day/night with the children.

If I may offer this suggestion...

You have put a TON OF EFFORT into dissecting your H (his problems, depression, MLC) and IMO you need to be focusing all your energy in you. Yes, you may be able to change the dynamic somewhat but as you know, you can't control your H.

I think a GREAT task for you this week would be to put all that energy in to really understanding boundaries for YOU.

[flowmom]

Also in the GAL department: I am dealing with my body. I lost 10 lbs in the last month. Ask me my weight loss secret!! Well, it was a combination of pneumonia and the famous LBS weight loss plan (=stop eating due to stress). Not the most healthy way to lose weight obviously. But I'm turning it my advantage to leverage more weight loss in a gradual, healthy way. My stomach seems to have shrunk, so it's easier for me to do portion control and watch what I eat. And for the first time in years, I can cook for myself, which makes it a lot easier (I drove myself crazy cooking a complicated, special diet for H's progressive health condition, and different foods for my children, who wouldn't eat his food). For years I've been slightly overweight while my H has been super-fit. He would never say so, but I believe that was an issue that contributed to his lack of desire for me. It's probably too late for my marriage, but it's not too late to get my body to a place where I feel proud of how I look and feel. I'm already getting compliments on how I'm looking, and it feels good. I've noticed that losing weight really affects how people perceive me, not just how I look. The only problem is that I don't have many clothes that fit well now. Maybe I'll allow myself to buy some inexpensive items.

[flowmom]

I could use some input on IC. I could get IC for free through H's work. But I am really dubious about run-of-the-mill counsellors. My experience is that many are not effective and I feel that in the past in my IC, there was a lot more talk than results. I am really good at talking. I need help with formulating goals, finding solutions, taking action. A standard one hour C session is $140 around here. But there is a guy who seems a good reputation who got this recommendation:

[His] therapy works! His therapy is very supportive of couples. I refer my Canadian based clients to him and the feedback has always been excellent!" -- Michelle Weiner-Davis

He also does IC, but he charges $250/hr, a lot more than the standard rate. His web site says that the "majority of people attend counseling for 4-5 sessions", so the overall cost would not be insane, in theory. Thoughts on getting the free counselling vs the expensive guy? I'm afraid of getting advice from the wrong person...I'm at a fork in the road where I'll be making a lot of decisions (career, relationship, parenting, etc.) that will have serious consequences. And the cost of 4-5 sessions ($1000-$1250) would be a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of making the wrong financial choices because of my emotional/psychological state. I also like the fact that the expensive guy would presumably be familiar with DBing because I don't want to undermine that. OTOH, maybe I'm justifying something really spendy that I can't afford.

[CityGirl]

Since your finances are so tight at this time why not at least give the free C a chance. I agree, the talking in circles for years on end is not productive UNLESS there is a very, very, very specific trauma/event that took place. IMO the perfect C is one that allows you to share your past, help you understand and learn from it and most importantly helps you the learn the tools to self betterment.

When you do meet w/the free C you could always be very upfront and say just what you said above... your goal for C is to obtain the tools to <input your needs here>.

I at the very least would meet with the free C a few times before you try and source the funds for the more expensive C.