2 forward - 1 back = still forward...! I was mulling over his text you sent, "I can't breath...". This suggests that regardless of the end result, at least now he seems to know you are important to him. You are doing something right towards saving your M.
i think he's always known i was important to him. the problem is is that he feels stuck in where things are in our M right now, and that we will never solve it, but continue to have the same conversation year after year. since we "can't even go 3 months without ending up back in counseling" it must mean there is something fundamentally wrong with us. (this is in his opinion)
i hope i am doing something right...i feel glimmers of hope from him, but they are pretty fleeting.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
that we will never solve it, but continue to have the same conversation year after year.
What is the "it"? What's the same conversation? This is what you 180. You change and the dynamic changes.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
what is the "it?" hmmm. the it is the cycle of our relationship, where we are fine and dandy and happy as clams for a few months, maybe even half a year or more, and then i begin to feel like i get less and less of his attention and focus, i let him know i need more and that i'm not feeling loved, and he responds with "nothing i ever do makes you happy."
let me tell you, reading mars and venus has been EYE OPENING in regards to "it." and it's certainly made me feel like i am a normal human being and not some sort of super freak that needs more attention than anyone else on the planet! but it's also made me understand that he has his own cycle as well, but it's the opposite of mine. i want to be closer, he wants to pull away.
how do you 180 in a relationship when you feel like your spouse isn't giving you enough of their time and/or attention? i tried spending more time away from home if he was out working, but that resulted in an email about how i never had time for him. if i could figure that 180 out, it could change a lot about the dynamic of my marriage.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
My W feels that, too. I needed her to tell me that she wants some time and be willing to let me delay it 20 minutes.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
if i could figure that 180 out, it could change a lot about the dynamic of my marriage.
You might also be a miracle worker! I've had a few times where I knew deep down my W wanted a touch, not talking. I didn't want the talking, so I just went somewhere else rather than feel guilty that I couldn't be there for her. I don't know if you can avoid the problem, exactly, but a few weeks ago my W came to me instead, massaged my shoulders, and suddenly I felt that I wanted to stop and talk for a bit. I don't know if that is what your H feels at times, but I know that when I feel like a bad H but I feel I'm a good person, it is hard to feel like my W is a good W.
When you're physically seperated, that might be harder. That is why I thought if your H ever hints towards watching a movie, dinner, etc, that you have an opportunity to show off your understandings of his 'weaknesses' as a S.
I wonder if the drugs or alcohol play a role... CBC Doc Zone about Pot. But then again, he has to want to stop it on his own, if it is a factor.
TTA, I'm glad you have a plan to do things for you. I think it sounds great!
I've read your posts since he left and you are only focusing on what HE thinks, how HE feels, what HE see's as issues in your marriage. You can't solve those for him and HE's gone so you can't influence how he solves them for himself. PLEASE STOP making yourself crazy about these things. You don't know what he's thinking or why he feels the way he does - so stop trying to read his mind. What he's thinking about your/your marriage/ his feeling's right now is none of your business. Trying to read his mind and rationalize what you THINK he's thinking to how you interpret his behavior will drive you to the mad house. Unless he wants to sit down and communicate these things to you all you can do is follow the last resort method. I don't believe you can do all the other things when you have limited contact with someone - the book even says that if you are separated this is your only viable option. Now you can do those other things when you interact... but for the most part they don't apply. I hope that makes sense... I'm a little off today
I want to see posts about you - what are you thinking and feeling - outside of H's context. How do YOU feel things were in your M, what were your concerns, what were things H should have done better for you?? These are the things you need to evaluate and decide how you feel about them. What are the good things in your life, what are the fleeting positive feelings you find yourself having, how does that make you more to the person you want to be?
Its OK to come here and talk about H and muse about all the things above. I just want to see that you are focusing more on you and not what H is thinking/feeling.....
You are doing GREAT - lets make this about You and YOUR HAPPINESS!!!!
Proud of You, T
Oh - DB your mom. Set the boundaries - if she breaks them hand up on her. Tough Love.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
the mars and venus book did at least give me insight to the fact that if my H wants or needs to pull away (john gray calls it the "rubber band effect" where men need to stretch and pull away either mentally, emotionally, or physically from time to time), it's not necessarily because of me. in the past i would think, oh my H seems distant. he must not love me as much anymore. so i would pursue him even more and seek assurance of his love - and at a time where he wasn't in a position to give it to me, i can only imagine the guilt that would make him feel...not to mention probably feeling like a failure for not being able to give me what i needed (due to the ADHD).
that documentary looks interesting, though...i'll have to check it out!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
just when i thought i wouldn't hear from him today...
got a relatively long (for him) email about when i could expect his paycheck to deposit. he talked a bit about his new job, but mostly it read like a business email. no emotion. completely impersonal. he didn't ask about me or the dog (although when he called yesterday he asked about the dog), and said if i get mail for him i can give it to our friend who lives in my building to give to him. i had hoped he'd ask if we could meet up at some point, but i guess that's wishful thinking right now.
i know i shouldn't flip out over one email, but the difference between the letter he left me when he moved out on saturday and this email is night and day. and i don't know what that means. i don't even know if i should respond to it, but since it's just a calmly worded, "this is what's going on" kind of email, i guess as long as i maintain the same level of "this is what's going on" language a quick response would be ok. but maybe tomorrow.
right now i kinda feel like i might run down to the ladies room and cry.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
also, still no mention of me signing any legal documents, but he has set up his direct deposit to give me a certain amount each month to cover bills and expenses.
going to a divorce support group meeting tonight. if nothing else, hoping to at least get some useful legal advice and learn a little about what my options are. last time i met a friend, so...hopefully i'll meet some nice people this time, too.
talia, i do see your point and i am sure that one of these posts, i am going to emerge from all this "him, him, him" talk and finally say something about how i'm feeling. that will be my 180 for tonight (or tomorrow in case i get home from dinner a little past my bedtime!): HOW DO I FEEL???
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
TTA, Its your party - cry if you want to!!! (Then block his emails so you can't get them at work. Those things are better left at home!!!!)
Don't respond! Ask yourself... does this REQUIRE a response? If NOT - don't. That's what it means to go dark. Being dark will let you only focus on you right now... and you need it. Give yourself all the TLC you can muster for now - you don't have enough to give to anyone else.
Don't READ into emails... emails are inherently emotionless... YOU CAN'T know what he's thinking behind the words so stop TRYING. It's probably not what you are thinking, but you have no way of knowing so don't drive yourself crazy with that.
Have fun tonight, go for you and what you can get out of this. You are gong to be just fine!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Seems to make sense to avoid "reading into emails". I've written some where the other party understood what I felt wrong - it usually ended badly that way.
If your H was on these boards, wouldn't he be told to not get emotional?
Talia is right - understand yourself. I think understanding him will help you reply, but not necessarily help you decide what you want for yourself.
I know I might be the only one thinking this, but I would think a response like, "got your mail - thanks for clearing things up, excited about job, if you want to talk more over dinner one day..." (cool & calm, but open)
I was thinking about your mentioning his changes in how he felt about the relationship every few months. Is kind of like a mini-MLC?
BTW, if he is on meds for ADHD, his responses will vary depending on the time of day, alcohol (etc.), and other factors that effect his focus.
